Reading harold_maude's journal

Hello Magic,

This letter is for you.
It's a journal post, but I realized as I wrote it, that it was going to end up being a letter to you.
So here goes:

Since there have been problems as of late with trying to get into e-mail that gets stopped.
It seems to be caught in the threads of some loop that opens a page of something that looks
like it's being hijacked, I haven't been able to get into it at all.
That's why I now write off line instead of here.
Then I copy and paste it here.

There are a couple of problems, one of them is this computer needs new ram. It's been causing
cascading words to just show up, and goes into a cycle of going on and off.
Looks like it's gone nuts as well.

The art is still in existance. I was reminded by 3 people that it's still there. I have the knowledge
and the skill to keep doing.
I spent sometime last night talking to one of my sisters, who is also an empath.
What that is, for thoes who are not familiar with that, is it's a gift, first of all, that helps
people like me be able to know how to help other people.
I've had it for as long as I can remember.

I can feel what other people feel, and sometimes it's so intense it's hard to know what I actually
feel and what is comming from someone else.
The rage and anger that I've been getting hit with are because this new roommate is emersed
in those things.
Under this calm exterior, he has got some major shit going on.
And I can feel it and see it. He has been sucking the life out of me.
I've been in a state of complete exaustion because every time I'm in the common area of the house
he will find me and start talking.
He won't go away.
I've tried to be nice, and respectful of the fact that he is going through alot.
But he hasn't been listening so far.
So, since actions speak louder to someone like that, I've been comming down here until he realizes
that I'm not comming back up stairs.

I walk into this house and he's waiting. He never leaves here. And because of his intense
need to, in his words, have some support and for what ever reason he has from day one
decited that he's going to get it from me.
Possibly due to the fact that I have been through a divorice. His wife just served him papers
this last week.

There has been this growing fear that he is going through things while he's here.
And the idea that he would find what I've written and have more information about me than
he should, came into the mix last night.

The other thing that made me believe that distroying everything was that the night before
last I went to paint and it was like I was a stranger to my work.
That everything that makes me who I am was gone.
I've been in a place similar to this just over a year ago.

It's a very black place. That's the best description without going into lots of detail.

Last night everything hit, all at the same time. A massive collision.
And I reacted.
At the moment it hit the only thing that it seemed I could do was take everything
that I had created and distroy it.
If there was no evidence than how could it ever be used as something to distroy me further
with.
I wanted to keep some people safe.
The thoughts were tangled and running at high speed.
This roommate's emotional state is killing me. I was convinced that I had given all the part
of me that generates the art, the creative fire to someone who I believe is desine to be the
next care taker of it.
I am still of the mind that this person, yes Magic I am still convinced that you are destine
to be the care taker of what has been given to me.

You have the passion and fire for the part of this creative firey wonderful and very amazing
place.
The world of all art. It's not just visual that exists here, but every other type of creative energy
that flows through everything and everyone that exists in this universe.
You have the power, and the fire to make things happen with your art.

I do not say that lightly, or as some way to inflate your ego.
You are the real deal.
A genuine artist. Your venu in this place is writing. If you ever stop, I will hunt you down
and kick your ass.
That's a promise.

That's why I believe what I do. I see the earmarks of someone who with this gift you have
will be able to change minds, and so change the world.
I believe you can change the world one word at a time.

You understand what this place is, and now with it being opened in a way that is blowing
everything away, all the notions that you have to have gone to school to know what you know
all the notions that you have to become Emily so that your writing can become powerful,
like a hard slam against the body.
Words of a prize fighter.

But the truth is you already have that. Inside you and it lights you up like the fourth of July,
Christmas and New Year's day all rolled into one huge fiery passionate place.
This is your venu in art.

Every time you write. And it just flows, you sit there, completely amazed and what has just
come from your hands.
You sit there wondering how and why what you just created is possible.

It's because it's all there, and it has been all your life. You came on to this planet with it
intact, and it only was waiting for a key to come along and unlock it completely.
So you could become what you've dreamed about.
What you want more than even than anything else this world holds.
Your so deeply in love with your art, and you haven't found anyone until now who
knew that same passion for their art.

It's real. And I know as well as I know the feel of my own skin, that this gift I have.
This place in this amazing world of art was ment to be passed on to you.
It will broaden your view.
It will blend into the landscape of how your art moves and shifts.
And what you see.
And what you write about.
You will change the world.

But you have to know it. You can't just believe that.
Knowing it is like knowing that the sun is a star. Every child who goes through school
ends up knowing that the sun is a star.
They may not comprehend it, but they know it.

Believing is something that sometimes can be alot like looking at a car on a show room
floor and wishing that it was yours.

Knowing is in your blood, your skin, your eyes, every part of you.
When you know, you do.
when you only belive, you often don't do.
Why?
Because you may believe in somthing, you may not know it.

This gift that is being passed to you is going to take you into the knowing.
You already believe lots of things about your art.
You know certian things about your art.

But you have to step into that place where you are moving in it like you walk
through the air around you.
It will become your air.

And when the time comes that the gift requires you to take what you have been given
and pass it on, you will be standing where I was 10 years ago being sent out on a quest
to find the one who you would pass it on to.

And when the quest finds it's goal, that place is like everything falls into a place
where you know that the art will take you with it when you leave this life.
And that is powerful.

Your life is a mear journey
through days and nights
and you are the voice
that cries from the soul
"hear me"
"I have something to say"

The eyes of the future are looking back
waiting for what you have to say.
They wait
in desert dreams
along oceans lit by suns
and stars

You are already
in their dreams
walking among the children
of the future
They know you
and love you for who you are
and what you bring to them

You will be with them
in your words
carved from the clay
that hold your feet fast to this place.

You will teach them how to fly
and how to be free
you will teach them how fragile
a thing is the human heart
but inspite of that pain
that it is always better to know what love is
than to keep your heart steeled in safe keeping.

The fire burns in you
a sun that consumes you.
And you know it's there.
Every dream
every moment
is there.

Know it as you know your heart
know it as you know your name
know it as you know how much it fills you
and this will give you wings.

My sister said something last night, that made sense. She said that in giving you the art I've been care taker of,
I was giving it to you for safe keeping.
I hadn't thought about that.

There have been somethings said over the last two months that are now comming to pass.
And more things that are comming to pass from things said far earlier in my life.

That is another reason I know beyond any doubt that you are the one I have been waiting for.
And although I would have prefered to send this to an e-mail, there are problems with my emails
and you need this now.

Hopefully this will help you understand why I went nuts and wanted to take everything out that could be
taken and used by someone who has no right to it, my roommate is who I speaking of.
This was an attempt to keep it safe from his eyes, even if it ment distroying it all.

I would rather distroy it than to end up with the wrong person.
And since I beleived I had given you the part where it all came from and it was now safe with you,
there was no longer any reason for me to keep what had been created.
Including everything I had written.

I hope this makes more senes as to why I went crazy last night.
I hope this helps you understand why I believe what I do, and why your the person I've been waiting for
for a very long time.

Sorry my first response was childish. I'm sorry... I am not in the right frame of mind to comprehend all this...

This post was edited by majic on Nov 07, 2005.

I understand why you would be freaked out by all of this. That's ok.
That was not my intent.
But that's what it's done.
I appoligzie for freaking you out. I hope someday you will understand, but if you don't
that's ok too.

You decide what you want and what ever decision you make will be ok.
No questions asked.