Reading harold_maude's journal

Several years ago, I met a woman who came into my life to teach about the heart.
She was this incredible amazing person who changed my life by the things she taught me.
I was starving to understand so many things at that point in time, that when she showed
up I was like this hungry little sponge who wanted to keep this prize to myself.

She, being who she was and where she was at in her own journey, understood where I was
and understood what I would go through because of what her presence did to my world.
Thinking back, I'm greatful that the messanger was a woman, if it hadn't been things
could have ended up in a very tangled mess.

Durring the year that I got to spend under her teaching I experienced the following emotional
states: jealousy, anger, fear, and pride and some other bits and peices of things that made me
face things about myself that I had never delt with before.

Durring that year this is what I learned: that everything in life that we come face to face
with is a test.
It is designed to show us what's really in our heart, and no matter how much we deny it,
or try to avoid it, there it is.
Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it's nasty and ugly, and makes us feel like monsters.

She watched me as I went through things. And her words to me were always so powerful
as to strike deep into thoes places that needed to be exposed and delt with.
There were times that I was such an emotioal mess, in a state of confusion that it was almost
impossible to make sense of anything let alone function in any way besides feeling like
I was continually going sideways.

I learned to explore my motives. And I learned that very often why I was doing somthing
had more to do with self than anything else.
Thoes things needed to be adressed.
And I realized that what ever I do, my motives must be of the best intent.

She passed on the gift of this knowledge to me so that I could be more than I was.
I didn't understand at the time that this was part of the responsiblity that came with the gift.

There are things in the human heart that hide out. We feel them, and react to them
and have no idea why we do or feel the way we do.
They are there. Passion. Pride. Anger. Lust. Greed. Fear. and a whole host of other
things that hide out.
Good things. Love. Compassion. Mercy. Kindness. Honor. Those are there too.

To know you have an ablity, there is often guilt if you say you have this thing.
And that's because it's hard to keep pride from taking over and making us believe we
are the be all end all.
You see it in actors all the time.
They have this gift. And it goes to their head because people reconize it and make a huge deal
and it feels so good, it gets way out of control, and then you've got this person who
is so arrogant that they become this prima donna that is hard to live with.

The talent is still there, it's part of who they are.
But the issues of pride, and all it's stuff has never been delt with inside their heart.
It ususally takes something devistating to bring them back to solid ground.

I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. Both wonderful and not so good.
I know that if I step into anything destructive that is in my heart, my emotions
that the end result is going to be bad.
It will take life.

I know that I'm capable of jealousy. I know I'm capable of pride. I know I'm capable
of lust. I know I'm capable of anger. And greed as well.
I know that thoes things exist in the human heart. They are the things we war against
through out our entire lives.
Unfortunately, that's part of being human.
I wish I could say that once you conquor thoes things they never return.
But I can't.

I also know I'm capable of wonderful things. Things that bring life. But in knowing that
I have to be on constant gard against pride taking over and taking me places I definately
don't want to go.

I have gifts that have been given to me for this jorney. Gifts that I can't take any credit for
or say with any kind of ownership that opens the way for pride or any of the other things
that I have to keep in check.
And knowing that is a good thing.
It helps to keep my perspective straight.

Because of this I know I'm only a caretaker of the gifts I've been given, and that includes
the gift of art and all that means.
I know it takes me to places and makes things make sense that nothing else does.
It's safe for me to dance in that place because it's a wonderful place.
A place where life is for me.
A place that no human can take away from me or tell me that I have no right to be in.

But I know also it's not mine. I have no ownership of it. It has to be passed on, so that
it can do and continue to do what it is designed to do.
That's part of the requirements of being part of it.
Other requirements of this place include growing in it, learning as much as possible,
and exercising the tools as I'm given them.
This place makes teachers of people. And thoes teachers are simply guides to help
others find their way.
That's all.

Now in this world we all live in, the reality of it is that it is designed to take away
immagination or at least control it to serve the machinery of greed and lust and ultimately
it's design is to enslave people.
To take away their freedom to be who they were ment to be.

Because the world of art, and creativity is so powerful, it's dangerous to that.
So, in an attempt to stop that power, this world we live in has set about working tord
immoblizing the human race.
People don't believe they are creative. People are sucked into mindless places that make
them as dependant as an addict to a deadly drug.
They arn't free. They become lemmings. They become enslaved to a job or jobs that take
their time and their life.
And the long this goes on the less they are capable of believing that they are anything more
than what they are right now.
They can't believe that there is anything inside them that is so magnificant as to be capable
of changing the world around them.

There are thoes however, that have managed to either get free or stay free from this
strong hold of the world.
They live in this place of intense creativity that is so powerful that it flows through them
like fire.
They may not understand completely what it's about, but they know that's the one place
that feels absoulty right.

And very often they feel completely alone in that place. That is the nature of existing in
a world that wants to control you and living at the same time in a place that gives you freedom.

I don't know if I would understand so completely what I do know, if that woman
had not come into my life and taught me the things she did.

It took alot of falling on my face and alot of mistakes along the way to finally get to
where I work hard to live at.
But I'm here now. And that's what is the most important thing of all.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.