Reading majic's journal

Nov 08, 2005 05:55 # 40281

majic *** is unsure about...

Inconsistancy is a motherfucker

Yes, Inconsistancy is my middle name, it's the trait in my personality that makes me quite the asshole. Hypocrite? Yes please... I'm all happy one minute then all sad the next. I tell you I love you then I tell you I hate you. Bi-polar? Yes more thanks! I am a head trip, a train wreck tragedy going 120 mph into a brick wall, death is starring me in the face yet I still show no emotion.

I can't understand this... Really I've just been crying out, I need a friend that knows me. I need a person to hang out with, somebody I can shoot the shit with, not somebody on IM or IRC, somebody real that I could reach out and touch and they wouldn't be horrified or cry rape. I need another human being in the fucking flesh that sees my reflection, goddamn this shit. I can't do it, no matter what, I could not tell a stranger on the road hello and it sound real. Yet I do and it horrifies me because they just ignore me.

Am I too far out there? Am I just that far removed? Could I stoop as low as to earn a real friend? Could I tell you good morning without sounding like a sarcastic asshole? I don't think so, I've tried. It doesn't work. Please tell me the secret to this formula. I want to make a friend and not horrify them and scare them away. No I don't wanna fucking break the ice with "Nice weather where having? Eh???", is it just that fucking idiotic to make a friend?

I have a few friends that I cannot be myself around, I mean I have to show them what they want to see. I can't show them all of me, they wouldn't understand. Nobody understands my musical tastes, not even my wife, she hates it and I'm not allowed to listen to any of it in her presence. Are you fucking kidding me? Even after I have to put up with yet more hours of Gospel music that is not in the style of singing that I like? Exactly at what point do my needs become relevant? Yeah explain that one to me. Fuck this.

I wanna talk about Emily Dickinson but I'm sure it'd bore everyone. I could tell you about dynamics of a sentence in the scope of a stanza of a poem but I'm sure somebody would look the other way.

I could tell you I read John Keats the other day and dabbled in W.B. Yeats, yet I'm sure somebody just got lost. I don't know on what wavelength to reach another human soul.

I don't have a goddamn degree from an overpriced college nor do I walk in the footsteps of the other lemmings in the fucked up world. I do my own motherfucking thing, I can't be bothered with a classroom, it doesn't make me smart, either I am or I'm not. A classroom will not change me. I know what I love, I can taste it, I can feel it, I can rub it all over my body and it feels as real as it did yesterday. I know the smell of life, I've been there, I can transpose that smell into words for which the human brain can understand. I can translate the human emotion into a verbal impulse, yet I can't figure out how to reach another human being on a purely emotional level.

What am I doing wrong? I wanna tell you hi and it mean something, I wanna see that in your eyes... But to this day I haven't...

I wanna be loved but right now I don't feel loved.

This post was edited by majic on Nov 08, 2005.

Nov 08, 2005 13:25 # 40290

harold_maude *** replies...

Re: Inconsistancy is a motherfucker

Yes it does make a mess of a persons life. I do understand completely.
From one who has walked in thoes same dark halls you find yourself in thashing about like a blind soul, I have been there and on occasion I still end up there now and again.

All I can say is that I'm here. I wish the distance wasn't so far, but I'm here inspite of the distance.
I know that place. I've spent alot of time there.
And it can be more painful and more alone than words can even come close to touching.

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