Reading majic's journal

Nov 08, 2005 06:47 # 40285

majic *** is unsure about...

Pouring out my soul in a puddle of tears

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I'm sure I'm repeating myself in some form or another and I am truly saddened by that, please forgive me

Here I am... pouring out my tears again from the failures of my life. Oh I'm so smart yet I still fail. This music is so emotional and I don't know if anyone feels this. I wish somebody did....

Can somebody see this love? If I pick a word today and hand it to you would you know exactly the emotion from whence it came? Could you look into my eyes and say... yes Frank I understand exactly?

Can anyone do this?

Can I do this? Am I even for real?

Why do I need this love? Why am I reaching out? After all, society tells us all we need is money to survive. We need shelter, food and money. Do we need love? Do we need companionship? Fuck, I'm just a goddamn lemming on this fucking earth.

I have no idea.

These thoughts are raw, uncensored and a witness to the torment that is inside me constantly. Most days I can shelter the wrath of myself and keep it's powers at bay. Oh, when I listen to the music I can feel it, it's not just a top ten single, no I can sense the emotion in the words and in her voice. Kelly Clarkson, baby you are my idol, fuck America...

I've learned a lesson from Wendy, this human emotion can fill the page, it's touch upon my page is a testament to the beating of my heart. I can take a word and put it here and put a few over there. The sentences will be short and some long. I can think a thought and place it in the front or in the back of whatever other thought I wish to bestow. Yet in the end the raw human fucking emotion shows through and the life that is inside me is all there for somebody to decipher and hold against me. Fuck I've said too much and now my heart will be held liable for wanting to love another...

I am scared but sometimes strong, and other times running from everything this world has to offer. Can you understand this? Can you tell me Frank, I know what you are going through and I'd like to be your friend? Nobody has.... 30 fucking goddamn years and I am still a fucking scared person on this earth. I wanna be loved yet do not feel any. Please I wanna be me. I wanna show you..

I love trance music, especially when it has female vocals, I love writing, I wanna help you, I love to express myself with any word in the english language. I am not afraid of the words fuck, goddamn, piss or motherfucker. To each their own and likewise.

Would you understand the feeling I have when I get behind the wheel of a car and drive, listening to my favorite music? The pure fucking emotion of vocal trance, throbbing in my ears and my mind traveling to a better place, I see the road but I also feel good, and this is definitely something I want to do.

This music and these words and their symmetrical bond, their gravitational field around my heart and mind. I cannot escape thee, nor do I wish to. I love you, do you love me?

And now I feel quit stupid for saying any of this. When I wake up in the morning I will feel quilty for allowing myself to have been exposed and unfolded in such a violating manner. God does anyone understand me, I don't even fucking understand myself.

love me, don't hate me...

This post was edited by majic on Nov 08, 2005.

Nov 08, 2005 12:07 # 40288

MelMel *** replies...

Re: Pouring out my soul in a puddle of tears

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Frank, i have no idea what to say to you but i feel compelled to reply to you, if only to tell you that you're not alone.

At the risk of sounding clished, you are loved. Look at the impact you've made here, to complete strangers. You wouldnt even know the impact that you have most of the time. the same is true of physical ife, we do things that impact those around us. our actions spread like waves and we have no idea what their final impact is. People who dont even know you will love you.

I know, you're talking about a far deeper love, but then look at your beautiful little girl, she loves you and is the product of your love.

Yes, we need companionship and we need love. But these things come in so many different forms. I can wake up the morning and believe that i will never be in a relationship with a guy, and that was emotionally crippling for some time. But, there's so much other love in the world. When i walked into my final assembly holding hands with my dearest childhood friend, despite the fights, the suicide attempts and the spilled blood, i felt an incredibly strong wave of love flow from me. When i hug my brother after my parents have been guilt tripping him into staying at each of their houses for the majorty of the time i feel a fierce, protective love. When i go out dancing with my girlfriends and we stand together, laughing at how unco-ordinated most of us are, and about who has the biggest, best child-bearing hips im overcome with love for them all. you see, there is no single person in my life who i could look in the eye and reassure myself with the knowledge that they get it. that they understand all of me, my motivations, my capabilities, my wants, my needs... But that's because each one of them is as complex as i am, some of them more so. they all love me in different ways for the different aspects of me that they relate to.

I'm getting a tattoo along the side of my foot which shall read "All is full of love".

I guess the thing is we all spend spend our whole lives looking for that person who knows and truly understands us. I think the problem is a lot of the time that we dont truly understand ourselves, after all we're all so incredibly complex. Thus when we do find someone we love and who loves us we want that ultimate connection. but the fact is as long you continue to develop, your love must develop so that they can continue to look you in the eye and tell you they love you and understand.

I'm not sure that anything i've wrien has any sense, or that it offers any real, tangible comfort to you. but know that i'm thinking of you and sending hugs across the world. at the very least, i think your writing is so beautiful like this Frank, i can feel your anger and frustration and pure, indescribable emotion pouring out onto this page.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Nov 08, 2005 23:50 # 40298

majic *** smiles...

Re: Pouring out my soul in a puddle of tears

WOW, Mel... This is very thought provoking. I need a few moments to think about what you said. Thank you. =)

Nov 08, 2005 14:56 # 40294

harold_maude *** replies...

Re: Pouring out my soul in a puddle of tears

I have something that I want to send you, I'm trying.
It will help I think.
It's where I've been and what you know.
Without putting it out here, all I can do is try and send it to you.
*hugs*

Nov 08, 2005 23:54 # 40299

majic *** replies...

Re: Pouring out my soul in a puddle of tears

I think I got it. I was busy all day and have no had a chance to read it. Had to make flight arrangements to go to see my grandmother, my whole family is summoning me. So yeah I think there is some love there, hehe. I had to do all types of crap to tie up the loose ends down here in New Orleans. I will be around tonight to read stuff but the next days I may not be able to keep up with you guys. I'll think about all of you though. You guys do play a special role in my life and I can't forget.


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