Reading hells_angel's journal

Well it's official my life sucks and I'm going to hell. Oh yes since I was born, and baptised catholic I am going to go to hell. I got in a fight with my mother on Monday and needless to say this fight set off everything that is wrong with me into full out war scale trama. The argument was about my brother this time. The thing most people don't understand is that my brother is what you would call the "good son" he helps my mom out money wise, has his own car. And right now since I am depressed...oh wait that's nothing new I have been depressed for a while now...but anyways since his life is looking better than mine I am jealous of him. Alright I admit that. But he doesn't understand the the hell it's like being a 21 year old female who has no dreams left to dream and who doesn't have a job and is living at home and is reminded day in and day out about how pathetic life is. Instead of throwing stuff I started to rip paper and toss it well mom slapped me and it went to hell from there. She threw in my face the fact that I was, am, jealous and that I am not wanted by my dad which drew me over the edge and I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and told her I knew how to end all my problems and hers. I locked myself in my room and turned the volume up on the stereo and listened to my "I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself" cd. I almost did it. I almost stabbed myself in the chest. I kept trying to talk myself into it. But I couldn't...like the damn coward that I am...I couldn't do it. I still don't have a good enough reason to live. I mean yes I would have left behind my boyfriend, and some friends but what's that to anyone anyways. I'm not going to lie and say that they aren't important to me because they are it's just that what the hell good am I to anyone when the demons always win. My aunt is my biggest demon and I get to deal with her in 2 weeks. My dad (biological) is another demon, and then there are my demons, the ones inside of me filled with doubt and hopelessness. Mom says I should be glad to be going through my trying period so that I can get it over with and move on. She fails to understand that it is killing me inside. It hurts sometimes to smile and laugh but it hurts worse to cry. Sometimes I really just feel so alone. I don't bother my boyfriend with my problems, the ones I deal with on the inside. He knows about my problems at home which is honestly good enough for me. I can't open up to anyone and tell them how I feel at home. I can't tell my aunt that I hate my life and I think I'd be better off dead. My aunt can't understand the concept of there are no jobs in small towns and the only ones here are dead end ones...do you know what's more pathetic than that though. I applied for this dj job at the radio station last week. I had the interview and I really thought the job was for me, I love music, and when I am happy I am a bubbly outgoing person who loves life (I haven't had a reason to be happy since that interview I was actually bouncing off the walls as soon as I found out I got the interview and when I went to the interview I was happy) but I called today to find out if I got the job and well needless to say I didn't. They didn't even bother to call me to tell me themselves I had to find that out myself. So right now I really don't see how to make a life for myself while still having dreams. The only way I can be happy at a factory is if I don't have any dreams of getting a better job and if I gave up on trying to go back to school. So in the end what's it matter anymore anyways?

Take your time don't live to fast troubles will come and they will pass