Reading Magnifico's journal

Every morning I wake up, it's the same. Even with the rotating schedule, the hustle and flow of college, it's the same. The alarm goes off, I slam the snooze button. I'm tired of getting out of bed. It's like every day I go through is another day wasted. I want to do relief work, to volunteer and help people who aren't living the life of undeserved comfort I've known since birth. It's a sad statement, but even that desire has done nothing for the fact that, as of late, I've just gotten tired of living. I'm not suicidal, I'm just sick of doing nothing important, day in, day out. I've found myself drinking more, and smoking a lot more pot, just so that I don't feel so shitty about the fact that I'm living a contradiction to what I believe. I don't think college really matters for me because what I want to do is go out to places like Pakistan or the Mississippi delta when something bad happens so that I can help people in genuine need. I'm staying here because my friends and family want me to, but it's maddening trying to crawl out of bed, waking up to the filth-encrusted pigsty my (our) dorm has become. My roommate is a depressed alcoholic who is an on-again off-again meth addict who lives at a sub-human level for the greater part of any given day. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm depressed. I need a way out of this before I go insane or, even worse, lose the drive and desire to do what I want. I don't want my own selfish nature to draw me away from what I know in my heart is the one thing I can and should do.

I'll believe in anything if you'll just believe in anything

I want to do relief work, to volunteer and help people who aren't living the life of undeserved comfort I've known since birth.

Magnifico, that's awesome.

Straight out of college I worked a job for five months. It paid well, doing work that was just okay. In college I blinded myself with what I thought I wanted to do. Now I see that I wasn't really doing what I loved - and I should have been.

It seems that you know what you love and where you want to be.

I'm staying here because my friends and family want me to, but it's maddening trying to crawl out of bed, waking up to the filth-encrusted pigsty my (our) dorm has become.

And if your friends are good friends they'll understand that you need to go where your heart wants to be. And family, fuck, they're stuck with you. They can either love you for doing what you need to do, or they'll think you're a weirdo. But I bet either way they'll still love you.

It's scary stepping out into unknown worlds with huge chances of very large debt. But trust me, it's not nearly as maddening as the madness that comes from doing what you're "supposed" to do.

There are still a lot of lessons you can learn at college (besides the ones you learn from living with a complete stranger). If you want to do aid work, you're going to need some biology courses, and some first aid type classes too. I'm sure you can find those science or kinesiology courses at your school. And it's way easier to study when you have the goal of helping people.

If you want to go to abroad and do foreign aid work, you'll need some culture, history, and foreign language classes (maybe more like English as a Second Language or non-verbal communication courses would be better than just generic French). If you really want to help the people your woeking with, you'll need to be able to understand the entirty of the situation they're in.

My roommate is a depressed alcoholic who is an on-again off-again meth addict who lives at a sub-human level for the greater part of any given day.

Sounds like you don't enjoy this. It could be worse. He could be a happy smiling roomate. You could ask Residence Life for a new roommate.

Have you looked into any organizations like Oxfam International or the Red Cross? Those are some pretty generic ones. I'm sure you can Google some better ones.

Please contiune to vote AND post.

Only a small suggestion, but... you could start by cleaning your dorm. It's relatively easy work and something where you see the benefit at once. And when you feel the satisfaction you can get shit-faced with a safe conscience as a reward :-)

Consider yourself hugged.

Ah the wondful moment when you realize there is something else.

Your tired of the same old same old. And you come face to face with the reality that what everyone else has in mind for you is definately not what you have in mind for you.
Basic to learning who you are.
That's a good place to be. Your discontent will make you do something.

If you do nothing because you want to please your family, then your discontent will grow and resentment will follow hot on it's heels and then at some point you will either fight with your family, leave home and college and go off to the wonderful land of really finding out what your made of.
If in deed what you say you want is real. And not just a sense of helplessness at seeing so much around you that you are not able to do anything about.
Or you will back down, again and again. And finally sucumb to the family wishes.

It's important to know your self. And often the only way to get a really good view of your self is to leave all you know and go do something else.

Unless you live in a part of the world where the nearest town is 3 days away, there are things you can do now to find out what the drive to want to help is really about.
For some people it's guilt driven.
i.e. I have so much, they have nothing. etc.etc.etc.

If you live in any size of town that is capable of drawing the homeless and there is a shelter there, you can volunteer right there.
And get your feet wet.

If that's not enough. Why not join the peace corps. For a very long time people just like you have joined.
They travel all over the world helping people learn how to help themselves.
After all, just taking care of the immeadate need only takes care of the moment.
Learning how to grow food in a poverty stricken part of the world where war and famine exist all the time is a much more powerful tool.

If that's a bigger jump than you want to take why not try something a bit smaller, like habitat for humanity, or even if the town you live in is big enough volunteer with a program called "meals on wheels"
People volunteer their time by taking food to the elderly.
It's an awesome way to do something that does make a difference.

My guess is that it's more about wanting to go away somewhere, away from your own privilaged background when you see so many that don't have.
It hits you everyday, in the face and makes you feel extreemly guilty.

And if you can do something for people who don't have then you can maybe find relief from the gulit of being born into a family that is well off and thinks it's non sense that you want to leave college and go off and do something that will never make you rich in terms of money or status.

Null's idea of starting by cleaning your dorm room is great because when your out there helping people, you will do alot of cleaning up.
If you've never done that before it's also a good way to get your feet wet.

If there is a soup kitchen in the town where you are that's a great place to volunteer.
And here's a thought, if you've never had the experience of being homeless, which in my humble opion every person who wants to go into politics needs to do to actually see what it's like to deal with the red tape that goes with trying to get any help, I've been there, so I know of what I speak,
You might try that.

It's kind of like camping without the comfort of brand new stuff that makes you comfortable.
You have alot more shit to figure out, especially if it's winter.
Like how not to freeze to death and figuring out how to get your hands on food.

There are two types of on going need in this world, the constant day to day that people live in because there just isn't enough money that they can bring in and cover the basics, housing, food and clothes.
And then there is the immedate need brought on by disaster.

People in third world countries live in the first state.
And so do alot of Americans.
It's hard to fathom that in a country that produces so much waste on a daily basis could or would have such a large popultaion of people who are starving, but it's real.
If you doubt this go to your nearest goverment funded agency that is designed to help people in need and go in and just sit there and watch the people comming in and going out.

It's a major eye opener if you've never been there.

There are people here that are living in less than human conditions all the time.
Some of them are there because they have no choice, much like the people who live in areas that get hit by disaster.
What gets me about thoes people who live in areas prone to disaster is that instead of moving to a place where that's less likely to occur again, they just stay there and build again.
It's like they are oblivious to the fact that building again in the same place is probably going to put them again in another disaster in the not too distant future.

Then there are some who have learned how to work the system simply because it's the road of least resistance.
They are the reason that honest people have such a hard road of trying to get help when they need it.
In my time of being homeless I ran into a few of thoes people, and have since come across several more, even though I'm not homeless any more.
But I know that could change again at any time.
Most people are two paychecks away from being homeless all the time and they have no clue about it.

Anyway, one thing is clear from your post, you are discontent.
And bored. And disgusted with the fact that you have come from a privilaged back ground.
You can't change the family your born into, but there are things you can do to change the world.
And you can do them right where you are.

But my guess is that doing them there is too close to your family, and you believe or at least hope that if you go somewhere and do something to at least make you feel like your doing something important that it will make a difference.
You'll finally get to feel really good, without having to drink yourself there.

It's an honorable thing to want to jump in and do.
It's maginficant that you have a heart to see need and want to do something about it.
It's quite another to actually leave all the comforts you take for granted and just go and do.

If you feel the need so strongly, here are a couple of suggestions to help you on your way.
Take the money you now use to buy beer and pot and set it into a savings account. You'll need it later on.
Then go to your family, and be honest with them about how you really feel.
You may find them more understanding if they see this is not just some flight of emotional fancy.
There is such a thing as that.

People doing things because they want to change the world and know that they have some kind of real value.
We have so much in this country, I'm assuming here that you are from america.
We have lost touch with so much. We have an over load of everything, so much infact that people throw things away because they are bored with them.
And the discontent with what we are faced with from people who have lost everything or don't have makes life soaked in abundance hard to swallow.

I don't know what you delcared as your major, but you could choose one that will give you skills to change things for people who are in need.

A friend of mine who is a nurse has done two stretches on what's called a Mercy Ship.
These ships are retired cruse ships, that are bought by doctors and refitted to the specifications of a floating hospital.
Then doctors and nurses from all over take time off of their jobs and go on these ships and travel around the world going to poverty stricken villages to give free medical aid to people who would other wise never see a physican or get help.

Then there are people like denists and optomotrists who every year go into places that are poverty stricken and help people with bad teeth and bad eye sight.
And they generally take a good size number of people with them.

You can find any of these types of thing on the net. Start there. Get an idea of what help groups are out there and then go from there.