Reading baffled's journal

I wasn’t planning on going out that night. In fact it was the last thing I wanted to do, but my friends peer pressure prevailed, I think it took them 5 minutes. And less than an hour after making that fatal decision I was quite drunk. Soon to be very drunk, we played who ever missed in a game of pool had to drink 2 fingers of their pint. It’s a very effective game.

This should have been the end of the night. We were quite jolly and laughter had rained a dozen times. But the idea of going to a night club loomed. Stupid thoughts are far more attractive when you’re drunk. As my poisoned mind takes over, every girl becomes an object. The night club grew fonder. And without a doubt I was spending the rest of the evening there.

I spotted a few girls I had kissed before. One of them wasn’t impressed; I must have offended her quite a bit when I ignored her for a couple of months. Who would have guessed? But the other was, I hadn't kissed this one before but that was soon to change. She was a terrible kisser; she bit my tongue, lip, neck and shoulder. Luckily the alcohol was in full effect and the pain was distant. I returned the favor by sinking my teeth into her shoulder. I hope it hurt.

After a few more kisses and drinks I asked her to come back to mine, but she had her friends staying round her place and she thought it would be rude to leave them. When the message was clear that we wouldn’t be getting any closer to her that evening I set my sights on the women on the dance floor. After a browse I stumbled across an easy picking. She was too easy in fact. I’ll skip some minor details, we had sex. First time I used a condom but the second time I didn’t. What an idiot.

I decided to leave her at around 3 am. I was at her place and when I stepped out her house I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was. But with the fantastic ideas I’d been having all night I thought every road would lead me home. It eventually did but it took me 3 hours. At first it was an adventure but then it soon turned into torture. I longed for my bed. It was my savior my pain reliever. I stopped 5 people for directions and phoned the police from a phone box to ask for directions. The police officer was surprisingly pleasant. He giggled when I told him what happened and he told me I’d got lucky. He gave a number for a taxi. But the time I tried to ring them I had forgotten the number and I thought it would be impolite to phone him again so carried on searching. A wave of relief came over me when I started to recognize streets. And within a few minutes I was laying in my bed.

When I awoke, what I had done hit me like a punch to the chin. She told she had slept with 50 guys. I felt sick, I was sick; she must be riddled with diseases. And I’ve given myself another reason to go to Hell; I might be heading there at a faster rate if she’s given me a present. I felt ashamed, stupid, damned. She wasn’t worth dying for; she wasn’t worth killing for she wasn’t worth going to Hell for. I’m trying hard to forget.

Poison has shaped many decisions of life and many more to come.

This post was edited by baffled on Nov 26, 2005.

What you've experienced is going to change you. Even if everything comes up clean.
But I'm thinking you already knew that, so here is a thought that may help, take the rest of your life and make it the best you can.

Every person on the planet has no gaurentee of how long they have, whether they've done all they could to do it right, or made horrible mistakes along the way.
Every day we get is a gift.

Some times we screw up. Some screw ups are small and others continually beat us up, in effect stealing life from us.

Yes, you did some stupid stuff. But we all have. I've done things that should have killed me.
And I spent years drowning in fear.

And you know what, you can't change the past. You need to try to accept what you did and forgive yourself for an act of stupidity.
If you hadn't been drinking...if you hadn't gone with your friends...etc. etc. etc.
Oh the joys of hindsight. May they some day be forsight.

After having as many deep sobbing self debasing wailing sessions as you need, step outside and look at the sky.
Really look at it. It's beautiful, and full of possiblities.
No matter what the past holds, the future holds possiblities, and the present is where you decide to live.

Just a few thoughts.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

It seems stupidity is incurable, a trait that will be similar to a disease I’ll inherit if I continue living my life this way. Thanks for the advice Harold. I’m trying to follow your line of thinking but it was barely a few days till history repeated itself.

After the disgust and shame I felt from that one night stand I was determined to stay away from women and alcohol influenced decisions. My mates had decided they were going to have another night out. They begged me to join them and I refused a dozen times but they persuaded me enough to have a couple. I thought it wouldn’t matter if just had one or two drinks or maybe if I went out with them but held back on the drinks, keep my mind in a cautious state.

They decided to play some drinking games; I thought I would be able to survive this obstacle as well. It wasn’t pool this time but a game called Arrogance. I’d never played it before, my friend explained the rules, it went something like this, you all have a drink, (we were using vodka and lemonade), an empty pint glass is placed in the middle of the table, then you place your bet 2, 4, 6 fingers of your drink into the empty glass and you have to guess the heads or tails of a coin or the color in a pack of cards. We were using cards. If you guess the right color it passes onto the next person and he has his bet and so on, in till someone loses his bet and he has drink the mixture in one go.

An hour or so passed and 2 liters of vodka were consumed between 4 of us. I won most of my bets but got caught out a few times towards the end and it was safe to say I didn’t survive. The first bar we got to you I thought I should take it easy with a bottle of beer now but my friend bought me a pitcher of vodka and red bull. I thought it would be impolite not to drink it. Still trying to keep in the context of sensible night, but it was quite clear that wasn’t going to happen but I continued to lie to myself anyway. I had already fallen again.

In the last bar are where things become distorted, my mind wasn’t completely in control of my actions at this point, but I was too intoxicated to be concerned. A girl sat beside me, I can’t remember what she said but I had the impression that she found me attractive. The feeling was mutual but she was slightly older than me, say about 10 years older and err some more. It must have been less than 15 minutes before we were kissing. She kept saying I was young and I kept saying I don’t care this statement was repeated again and again. Her body was desirable. Nevertheless it still wasn’t worth going to hell for. And yet again I didn’t use a condom. I asked her if she had a one and she said what for? Great

When I woke I just wanted to get my life back on track as quickly as I could. I had a lecture in a less than an hour and I was desperate to attend it on time. She told me that she had to leave at 9 as well because she was teaching students about the brain today. I thought it was quite ironic after the mindless acts we had performed the night before. She asked me an array of questions, where do I live, do I have a girlfriend, what do I study and do I play rugby and so on. It was annoying me but I answered them all. She told me I looked like a lawyer and I answered, corrupt? She also asked me what would I specialize in and I said divorce, she didn’t enjoy that notion as she had been recently divorced her ex husband is a professional rugby player. At least I can heckle him now when he plays my home side. She drove me to my university. I told here that it was nice to meet her and some other pointless comments. She took my number which I was reluctant to give. I stumbled into my lecture, missing some underwear and dignity. I was too hung over to follow what the lecturer was saying I was picking up some words, “beneficiary of land”, “equity”, but not enough to make sense of it all. In fact I was baffled what others were writing about. I yearned for a more pleasant state of being. So I took my time to discretely scratch “GOD SAVE ME!” into the desk.