Reading majic's journal

I'm naive and scared... I sometimes don't know how to act around people. I stutter my words, get excited and get very shy. Yes this happens to me on occasion. I absolutely cannot speak to beautiful people, yes low self esteem probably. This happens to me on occasion. I'm human, I fail, I try but more often than not fail. I can't help it, I pick my big feet up one by one and continue to trip over myself like an uncoordinated little boy. I really try. I really do. I still fail...

I've seen the love, yes there has been a few... Nobody really knows, I don't even think they understand. I am more inside and I don't know if they know. They know my name, my age, my favorite color (maybe) but yet they do not know, how wrong they are, they could not pick me out of a line up if a crime had been committed. There is so much more, yet time is not on my side.

There is a deeper meaning to what's inside me, something I've been coming to understand day after day, year after year. I am an epiphany that they have not yet realized. I am me, a person they know only by name, not by what's really there.

This life is so fucking goddamn complicated, not enough fucking time, things going 50 fucking million miles an hour into oblivion. I can't even understand the news as fast as it is. The world, the fucking world in its fucking fast paced demise. Society in an eternal fucking downward spiral, all I got to say is FUCK YOU. I don't care, I am so fucking desensitized to all this fucking senseless violence, this needless death, killing and torture, I don't care, leave me alone, fuck I can't take this, wipe the tears from my eyes you fucking bastards, I hate this. I am more, yet I am shadowed by this goddamn clock, this fucking shit... The hands on this clock they do not cry out my name, they are oblivious to the fact that I am here and I need to be loved.

I don't know, my eyes can't see through the fog in this world, I don't understand, pinch me this fucking has to be a dream. I scream at the top of my lungs yet nobody can hear...

Sometimes I don't even know if I know myself. I'm a contradiction of epic proportions. Oh well... I'll think about this and see if I can elaborate later...

This post was edited by majic on Nov 20, 2005.

It's caught up with you. And the realization that it's there and won't stop and there is nothing you can do.
A complete sense of helplessness.

The one thing so far that has helped me stay sane in this world of insanity is art.
It's where life is abundant, and beautiful, and everything is so clean and pure and raw.
It's the one place that I've hidden out in when everything was wrong.
And it's the one thing that no one has ever been able to take away from me.

Everything in the world around all of us is dying. Always. Even at the moment of birth, death is waiting, and walking along side. It is the reminder of how not in control we really are.

But in art, what ever the venu or media that is expressed in, there is no death. Only new life, raw and explosive.
Taking us where it will. Giving always giving, and there is no short supply.
It feeds the soul and causes the spirit to soar with wings that no man can ever clip or take away.
It's always there. We are the ones who decide how far to venture in and how much of us we let go of in there.
And the more we are emersed in that place, the more amazing it gets.
Time has no power in that place. It's a type of eternity that is about as close to perfect as I can figure.

That's why it's so precious. And that's why it's so important to keep participating in it.

Nothing much makes sense most of the time in this world.
How people judge you. By what you look like. Or the clothes you wear. Or by what you do for a living. Or the car you drive or your accent, or any other number of superfical things.
That doesn't make sense. That's not who you are.

People of one nation kill people of another simply because their religon is differnt, or their skin is different or because they arn't us.
That doesn't make sense. We are all of the human race.

Youth has strength, power freedom of movement and lack of wisdom.
Kids do stupid stuff and believe they will live forever.
As a person ages they gain things that are important, like wisdom and knowledge, but their body starts betraying them, becomming the enemy and the victim of time and it's ravages.
That doesn't make sense.
They have the ablity to understand the foolishness of war and selfishness and greed and no power to do anything about it.

Art and creativity level the playing field so to speak. Nothing matters there that matters here in the world. Your looks, your age, the color of your skin, it's all a moot point there.
The only thing that matters there is what it has to give you, and give abundantly it does.
All your life long if you will let it.
That's why I'm in love with it. I know it has loved me back with what has been created when I'm lost in it's gates.
When I'm there I don't have to explain how I know what I know,
Or why I can feel things and see the things I do.

I don't have to explain anything there, or give answers to questions that are comming at me faster than machine gun bullets.
I'm just there. Me. The person who most people look at as this strange crazy off the wall person who can come up with a story for kids that they get lost in, or paint something out of the blue, or do the strangest things...
I don't have to explain my gifts there.
I don't have to scream to be heard there.
And I don't have to protect me there.
There I am truely free.

It's my first and best love. And until my dying day I will go there.
Even if I can no longer move my hands to hold a brush or no longer be able to speak loud enough to tell a story about a magic frog that falls in love with a toad, and how that love changes a whole community of uptight, self-righteous frogs into more humain and giving frogs (yes that was a story that showed up one day and I told it to a couple of kids and they loved it, and kept asking for more)
I will still go there.
And dance in that place. And spread my wings and fly over clouds and hopefully meet up with people who are there too.
There is home.
Home is where the heart is.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

I haven't read all of your post yet. I will. But suffice it to say that the original post was longer but I felt stupid in the morning after the post and edited it. I keep posting the same bullshit over and over and over again. I am a broken record, I need to get some new lines to post here. What a pitiful thing my journal is becoming. Shit, back to the drawing board.

Saying the same thing over and over....maybe there is a reason.
Wanting things to change. But feeling helpless to change anything.
There are things you can change, but that's within your own world.
And when you begin there, other things begin to change.
It's been called the butterfly effect.
I happen to agree with it.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

My mood flip flops so much, I am happy though. Working leaves little time for real friends. That's the problem.

Friends are a hard one. Especially real freinds. It seems to be even harder to have them there in person.

And when you think of how much life is spent working, and what it's really costing you, that makes things seem a little lops sided at times.

It makes me wonder sometimes about the idea of "oh I'll get to it later"
My question is what later.
There is no later. It's always later than we realize,
and by that time it's so late that we end up regreting not doing it sooner than pushing it back to later.

That's how most people spend their "golden years". Living with terrible regrets that never seem to go away or have an end to.

Do your self a favor, and make some time to find people who will just enjoy your company.
They are the gifts you give yourself.
And when nurtured, they grow and last a whole life time.

I know how you feel about yourself. But ya know what? Alot of people out there feel the exact same way.
They are scared just as much of being rejected and judged to be something other than who they really are.

The worst anyone can do if you try is to say no.
But they may say yes.
And what's worse to try and fail or even suceed than to never try beyond just a little bit and never be absoulty sure that maybe you just walked past someone who would be a friend you can count on no matter what.
Someone you will other wise never have the pleasure of the company of.

Everyday is a new chance to try in this area that's so hard and so much in need.
And everyday that you let all the things your scared of stop you, that's one more day of regret you pile on the heap.

Your an amazing person. You have a great sense of humor and a gentle heart.
What could be better to bring to a friendship than that.

If the only way to make a friend was to be pretty or handsome on the outside, there would be a lot of friendships that would never happen.

Remember there are lots of people out there who feel just like you do about themselves.
And ya know what, a stranger is only a friend you haven't met yet.

Just a thought.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Your an amazing person. You have a great sense of humor and a gentle heart.

and a big mouth, sometimes an asshole, and, and, and...

And if allowed you would find every fault and every detail that doesn't fit, simply because it's easier to find fault with yourself than to take a compliment and just smile. :)

but Shakespeare said it better:
Me thinkeith thou doth protest too much.

I think it's easy to see all the flaws. It's easy because it keeps pride at bay.
The truth is that we all can get lost in pride sometimes.
And pride and humlity are hard to keep in balance.
So it becomes easier to debase ourselves in someway. Proof that we don't have a problem with pride.

But that's just this odd duck's perspective. :)
I like to think of myself as an odd duck, leaves lots of room for lots of possiblities. :)

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.