Reading harold_maude's journal

I look in the mirror and see my eyes. Green. The color of pine trees.
The ravages of time are also there, but it's ok. I can live with it. I have to.
I have no abundance to do what other women do when time says this is what it is,
and go to some plastic surgon and plead for the return of youth.

I've been told that I'm many things. Alot of thoes things I can't see.
Alot of thoes things I'm told I get suspicious of.
I tend tord the belief that someone who is saying them isn't really being honest.
They are just being nice.

I don't hate the outside as much as I used to.
I used to burn every picture of me that I got my hands on. All I could see was this hideous
beast, something befitting the monster in a horror flick.
I've had people take pictures of me and hide them from me. Seriously and for real.

The truth is I'm kind of avarage in features on my face. But I like the color of my eyes.
And that's not a bad thing, seeing as how I didn't pick them out, but the color of my skin
and the color of my hair compliment the color of my eyes.
And since I like the color of my eyes, I tend to like the color of my hair.
Even though there are strands of silver that exist there now.

I've been told I have a pretty smile. I tend to ignor that. I'm terribly uncomfortable
with compliments.
They make me squirm. Leave me fumbling around for something to say.
When the only thing to say is thank you.
Saying thank you gives the person saying what they do acknowledgement that they
can see me anyway they want to, and not in the same twisted way I've seen myself
for a long time.
I've come to realize that I see me through a twisted and very broken mirror.
And seeing yourself in that mirror will distort your view.

I've been told that I'm beautiful. And I tend to think the person is nuts, and have said
so.
But as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I would prefer to have them get glasses so they could see me the way I do.
All of this stems from a type of self loathing that came from the house I grew up in.
Not a real safe place to spend childhood in.

I can easily see every problem, every flaw that exists externally. And because of that it
took alot of people seeing what I do and telling me how good it was,
for me to look at what I do, namly art and begin to see the value of it.
I used to see it as glorified refrigerator art. Nothing more. I am my own worst critic
in all areas of life.
I tend to think of it as being honest about me.
Others might think differently. What I do know, is that when someone sees me
or sees what I do and there is no reason for them to just be nice so as to not hurt my feelings,
and they like what they see or are drawn to what art they are looking at,
that it's ok to say thank you.
There are no strings attached to that.
Just a simple acknowledgement that someone has found something pleasing about me
and I don't have to do anything to make excuses or explaintions for it.
Doing that, I've come to the conclusion, is like trying to pay for something that someone
is handing you just because.
There is no need.
I can't earn my looks, how ever anyone sees thoes. I didn't go to the looks store and pick out
what I wanted for christmas.
I didn't go to the talent and gift store either and make my choices.
I'm a package deal. And I just have to live with the fact that somepeople find that they like
what they see and what I do.
And I can't talk them out of it. All I can do is say thank you when they say so.
That's all. And that's ok.

I've been told I have a pretty smile. I tend to ignor that. I'm terribly uncomfortable
with compliments.
They make me squirm. Leave me fumbling around for something to say.
When the only thing to say is thank you.
Saying thank you gives the person saying what they do acknowledgement that they
can see me anyway they want to, and not in the same twisted way I've seen myself
for a long time.

I find saying, "Yeeah, right. Thanks." in an elongated manner while looking at the floor helps to avoid further compliments.

...Unless the person can't take a hint at all. Then it just makes things worse.

Please contiune to vote AND post.

Yes, I absoultly agree. Taking a compliment is a hard thing to do.
Especially when they are rare beasties.
Learning to just say thank you is even harder.