Reading harold_maude's journal

How deep does this go?
this love that holds me captive.
Where is the end of the universe?
That would be an easier question
to find the answer to.

the love I feel for you
transforms me
takes me so deep
and so far
that the ocean isn't deep enough
to compare it to.

the love I know
that is solid and real in me
gives me strength to go through the day
knowing that it will be more
than what it was yesterday.

How can you compare
a living
breathing
growing
life, which love is,
to something that
although brilliant
is so much less than.

Oh to be loved
with so great a love
as I know,
that is my wish
for all who walk to the earth.
For the whole world
to know
even for just a moment
how much rapture this holds.

I would gladly lay my life down
to be impaled a thousand times
by a thousand blades
than to have missed this
love that I share with you.

....I would love to know that in that way and know they love me back just as deeply in return.

It's not that no one has ever loved me, but this kind of love is something that dreams are made of.
Something we see when we watch some movie where it all turns out perfect.
And after long trials and tribulations, the lovers, seperated are now rejoined.

I know, it's called a chick flick. But that doesn't mean that guys don't want the same thing.
They do.
Every person does.

You wanna be loved with the kind of love that surpasses time, and every objection that time could
or ever would come up with.
It's not just a sexual thing either.

Sex is great, as far as it goes, but there is so much more to this than that.
this kind of love doesn't need sex to help it. Sex is just the icing on the cake, as it were.

This kind of love is deep. It's roots are lost in a friendship that goes so deep that if you followed them
you wouldn't be able to find the end of them.
And it's upon that basis that this kind of love grows.

That's what I want to know, at some point in my life, I want to know this kind of love.
To be loved so deeply by someone that it makes them feel like a part of them is missing when I'm gone.
I don't think that's wanting so much.
Or maybe it is.
Maybe in this world there is no time or room for that kind of love to exist.

I've met a few people who have loved other people that deeply. And what I've noticed that every other
person they come in contact with is a kind of waiting for that person to show up.
And when that person walks into view, everything else for the person waiting just stops.
Their face lights up like christmas and the fourth of july all rolled into one....

And they forget you are there, or that they were talking to you...

You are a poor subsitute for who they would rather be with....

I'm so glad that I have my art. If I didn't, I'm not sure what I would have been like, knowing and seeing that.
Yes, this has happened to me.
I've been in love with someone who settled, because they couldn't have who they really wanted.
Every time that person showed up, I could see it in their eyes, and their smile...
and yes it hurt like hell.
But I believe the choice to love someone is not dependant on them loving you back in the same way, or
even loving you at all.
So I have loved and gotten half baked love in return.
sometimes less than that.

I've gotten different kinds of love from different people over the years. And I'm still waiting for that
person to show up who will love me in the way I would love to be loved.
And I want it to be someone who I want to love back in the same way.

It won't be a smothering kind of desperate thing. That's not love. That's a wet blanket thrown over your face
until you can't breathe.
that's lust gone emotional.
I don't want that. I've had that, and it sucks. For a while it's wonderful.
It's the top of the mountian....but no one tied the ropes off so the fall and the subsequent crash was really
a mess.

It's hard to discribe completely. I know it's possible. I've seen it. And it's made me ache inside
watching two people who love each other like that.
You can feel the love between them.
It's so beautiful. And every time I see two people in love that way, it makes me ache inside for want
of having it too.

I want to share a bottle of bubbles with this person in the middle of winter. On a sunny day so we can
see the rainbow orbs floating and then comming to rest on the snow.
I want to eat popcorn in the middle of the night with this person under a blanket as we tell each other
ghost stories.
I want to be there when they loose someone they know. And hold them as they grieve.
I want to take long walks with this person and talk about everything with them.
And share stupid silly moments just because.
I don't want them to be afraid of me. when I see inside them and see their pain, I don't want
it to scare them.
If I want to hand them my world so they can know what I know I want them to understand what
it is that I'm giving them, and what it means that I'm doing it.

(I want the student to have the same understanding of the art and when I hand it to them, I do want
them not to be scared by it, or think I'm being weird. that's the part that I want to have in both places.
With the person I love and with the student I pass on my understanding of art to.)

And I want to see myself reflected in their soul.
And if they smile at me it's because they can see themselves reflected back.
I want to do the things they love and are passionate about with them, at least once.
More if it's not something that death is always a possible constant, like being blown out of
a cannon, that type of thing.
I'll try it once, but after that, I'll just watch.
Or blowing up buildings, or cliff diving....that kind of thing.

....sometimes I think that the art and all it is to me, is compensation for not having that....
and if it is, it will be enough.
more than enough. It has been so far in my life.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.