Reading MelMel's journal

On November 11 I finished the last of my exams, which means that I officially finished and survived high school. I survived. There were so many times when I thought I wouldn't, but I did.

So, now I'm in the real world. I can't run and hide from life any more, well I shouldn't at least. But years of conditioning and practice make it so hard for me to establish any kind of meaningful relationship. I push friends away, subtly so that i don't ever tell them what's going on inside me. And, what's truly bugging me tonight is my relationships with guys. i have plenty of guy friends, and i'm just so used to being everyones little sister that i cant change out of that routine. Part of me is happy thee, but part of me isnt.

years of being told how unattractive i am have led me to truly believe this. nobody could ever want me, and im not saying this in an attention-seeking-please-tell-me-how-great-i-actually-am kind of way. So when guys do show interest i just shut them down again and again thinking that they must be playing some kind of sick joke on me.

Most of the time, i can handle being alone. it feels right, but sometimes, like tonight, i sit here longing for someone to connect with.

I was at a gig for the band that i light the other night and i know i could've picked up any number of guys that night. but i want more than some srunken one night stand. i need someone who can look at me and talk to me sober and straight and still want to be with me. i dont want to be someone elses regret.

sorry about this post by the way, im still trying to recover my 'voice', i lost it by not writing at all for a few months, so my tone is tending to be a bit erratic at the moment. this also peeves me, because my writers voice was one of the few things i was proud of.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is so i'll try to avoid talking in circles. I guess i'm just getting more and more tired of being alone here each day. every day is just another handful of people coming to me with their problems and refusing to listen to mine. theres nobody i can just phone and chat to. nobody to hold me and tell me that my family's collapse isnt my fault. nobody to tell me that i'm special and that my life is important. it makes me wonder why i bother to listen to them at all.

it's so tempting to just pack my bags and run away. ruun so far that nobody would ever find me, so that i could start a new life, or just disappear.

But i know that my problems are all self generated, i know that. there's something inside of me that wants me to fail repeatedly at everything.

I just wish that for once, just once I could take a chance.

in the end, i guess i'm even more of a coward than all of those people who i 'help'.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

This post was edited by MelMel on Dec 05, 2005.

I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, because no one truly can, but I do know some of what you're feeling. A lot of people get to that point in their lives where they feel all alone, like no one understands or even wishes to understand. It's a difficult time, but you have to keep hope that things will look up, and they will-when you least expect them.

Life is not guaranteed to be great all the time. Some aspects will get better, and some worse. Just take life one day at a time and enjoy it for what it's worth. :)

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

I do try to be positive, however, things have been progressively getting worse for the past 10 years.

Any great would be, well, great, at this point.

Last night my mother and i had a huge fight about how much time i spend at my fathers house, and how i think her friends are pathetic for disowning my father the way they have, and about how i'm such a disappointment.

Woo.

So: Her depressionand self pity are my fault basically.

One day she's going to realise that she's raised two very unhappy children and she's going to be filled with regret.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

One day she's going to realise that she's raised two very unhappy children and she's going to be filled with regret.

My mother has changed from weird to quite normal and nice, and now that we have a normal relationship I haven't got the heart to tell her that I think she's totally failed on me when I was a child.

It's not the thing i would normally say. I'm generally quite a reserved person... But... We all have our days.

And in this case, it just happened to be true.

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

My mother has changed from weird to quite normal and nice, and now that we have a normal relationship I haven't got the heart to tell her that I think she's totally failed on me when I was a child.

I'll wait for that after I've finally moved over to my beloved one. Just something to tinker about: Today my sister called and we talked for an hour or so, when we strolled over to the topic 'Where To Be On Christmas' - she made a nice remark: now what is our mother going to do if she sits alone before the decorated christmas tree? Maybe she's going to start to think a bit WHY this has happened ...

Its kind of sad, too, but I want to be with my beloved one this christmas and not to have to celebrate 'Yet Another Christmas At Mom's Site'. Maybe next year I could do some christmas hopping but not right now.

cu, w0lf.

Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign for a diseased mind!