Reading Hardballkid's journal

So, I'm pretty much screwing myself these days. Finals week is next week where there waits 5 exams ready to devour me like a crippled zebra in the Safari. Well, only 3 of the 5 frighten me like no other. Maybe thats because those are the three that are comprehensive exams. Doom looms next week, thats for sure. I pretty much have to A'ce my Spanish exam which seems all but impossible (are pigs in flight yet?).

This stress, as Im feeling, is inducing pain in my gut- otherwise known as Crohn's. Damn this intrepid disease; its such a bitch. If I have learned anything over the last 7 years by living with this pain is that stress is the worst contributing factor. But, as a college student in a fast-paced & high stressed world- its all but impossible to escape.

As for today, well, its starting off slowly (work-wise that is). A big group of us managed to elude work by going and having three intense- INTENSE- games of Laser-Tag. I, in particular, did fantastic with hit after hit of individuals and freezing their homebase numerous times. So many times that it is almost tooo numerous to enumerate. But, after all that rolling, jumping, diving and knocking (yes, I did break the No Physical Contact Rule), Im too tired to work now.

All I have to say is that its going to be a very long and exausting weekend. With my next to mornings occupied with Jujitsu class on Sat and Church on Sun- today is my last line of defense against screwing myself to perpetuity.

Ohh well, somehow I still have a smile on my face. Maybe its because of that part of my that takes pleasure in high pressure situations.

Well, as for now, nap time.

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!

Hard, maybe you have already posted this, and I apologize if that is the case for asking again, but what do you study? I read that you have to deal with a Spanish exam? Are you in the field of languages? If that were so, considering that I am a grad student in that field, I bet I could help you (provided that the languages you study are the languages I study... and if you study Finnish or Swedish... well I cannot help you :P)

Let me know, okay? You really got me curious. I wouldn't know why else you would study Spanish, but then maybe you chose it because there was nothing better to choose, or because you like the idea of learning a foreign language, but it is not within your study field at all.

Un bacio è un'apostrofo rosa scritto tra le parole "ti amo".

Hard, maybe you have already posted this, and I apologize if that is the case for asking again, but what do you study?

Well, I havent said before so no worries.

I read that you have to deal with a Spanish exam?

Yes, that would be true, sadly. Next Thursday at 7pm is...well...Reckoning Day.

Are you in the field of languages?

No, no. Nothing that advanced, really. This is my first and last college level spanish class...ever. Its been a unbearable experience due to, mainly, my lack of knowledge, and then the teaching method and course speed.

I've really tried though. I took 2.5 years of classes worth in High school and a 1.5 years before that in Middle School.

Let's just say, spanish isnt my area of expertise despite all my years of schooling. Lets just hope I have enough to squeak by this Thurs.

I decided to tp try spanish since...well...seeing how practical it would be since I live in Southern Mexifornia (otherwise known as Cal-Eee-Forn-A as our Governor calls it).

I would still love to learn it, only maybe not academically.

If that were so, considering that I am a grad student in that field, I bet I could help you (provided that the languages you study are the languages I study... and if you study Finnish or Swedish... well I cannot help you :P)

:-) Your absoluelty too Kind- with a capital K.

are the languages I study...

LanguageS? Wow. How many and which do you study?

Back to your original question- as far as majors go, I am undecided/undeclared. Im not one of those that truly dont have a clue on what they would like to do- I'm just utterly confused. As for the classes Im currently taking- Philosophy, Biology, Spanish, Old Testament Studies (christian college mind-you) and a nameless Math class.

maybe you chose it because there was nothing better to choose, or because you like the idea of learning a foreign language

Well, combination of both to a certain extent. The only problem with the latter half of that statement is- I'm not good at learning foreign languages- I have grades to prove it. ;-)

Thanks for your willigness to help though. I appreciate that suicidal venture you enthusiastically endeavored upon because attempting to teach me is no easy task.

Well, seeing as how it pains me to keep my eyes open- I'm off to the short & tiny slab of brick I call my bunk-bed.

Ohh and Andromacha-

Let me know, okay? You really got me curious.

Sorry I had to dissapoint.

:-) Goodnite all.

Cheers,
Hardballkid

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!

I'm royally chapped. It's times like this I cant stand being alive. That deep feeling of uselessness boarding meaningless. I feel like a total retard who has no destination in life because nobody could possibly want him.

How I could study soo much and produce so little? Hours upon hours, sleepless nights upon sleepless nights and what do I have to show? Nothing for it. Actually I do. Fucking horrible grades thats what.

I have reasonably high standards for myself, but I just dont know anymore. Its completely demoralizing to put so much into something then to find out later- you've gained nothing. It's like buying a tread mill and never using it. Pointless! Well, they are pretty pointless anyways. Why run in place when you could go somewhere- be outside?

Anyways, I dont know what to do with myself. Except for inflicting-self pain. If anything, I know how to do that. As i write this, Im banging my know-nothing head against the painted over brick hall as I lay in this closet turned study room (hide-a-way/prison). I find, being at this damn small campus, its the only place i can get away from people. People either dont know about or fear to bother me while Im in it.

The music echoes pretty well in here. Besides that its tight, warm and laced with a chemical smell. But its a place of solace so what the heck.

As for music, some meaningless angry music is verbrating of the walls. Have you heard of the band Xiu Xiu. Dont bother, they are horrible in every way imagineable. But right now it sounds good. The shrieking yelps of the lead singer and the tormentous melody just seems to fit my lonely and depressed mood. They would lead any sane person to shoot themself in the head after the first chorus, or at least thats my opinion.

I'd give anything right now to just be able to go to bed and cry myself to sleep, but No. I can't. Im going to be up a majority, if not all, the night preparing for my Biology exam at 10am. So, in short, I will be reviewing and hopefully understanding around 400 powerpoint slides.

Theres nothing like failing and attempting to get back on the high horse to only know youll do the same once again. It sucks to feel (be) such a failure as of now. The pending doom arrived and well, left me without a prayer.

I wish life would stop throwing me curveballs and give me something I actually could hit.

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!