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Reading Prothonotary's journal

Well to say the least, this week hasn't gone like I have wanted it to.... I almost got fired on Monday, my friends are starting to turn on me, I almost got into a fight at work/school this afternoon, and I started to smoke again. There are some things thhat I regret that I did recently, but I can't change what I did. I think that I just need to start talking to people instead of bottling all of my emotions and feeling up inside of me. Anyways, I wrote another poem so here it is:

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I can’t feel the pain anymore,
I see the cuts on my flesh but I still feel nothing,
I see the blood flowing down my arm,
But I have no feeling.
The wounds are long and deep but I keep going,
One turns into two, two into three and more and more,
I feel relief but I still feel no pain.
Is it that I truly can’t feel it anymore?
Have I gotten this hard on the inside that I have no feelings?
No! This can’t be!
I have been stabbed in the back and I felt that!
I have been stabbed in the heart and I felt that!
I was stabbed so many time that the pain I felt from that was unbearable,
I hurt so bad that at points I couldn’t take it anymore,
I wanted to get away and escape from reality,
I wanted to go away and never come back,
Back to where I knew the pain was just waiting for me when I returned.
Is this the reason?
Is this why I can’t feel it anymore?
Because I have been hurt too much for too long?
Because I have felt too much pain in my life?
Most people think that I have it easy in life,
Most people think that I am a good kid,
But I’m not!
They don’t know what I have been through,
They don’t know the things that I have had to endure,
They don’t know why I am like this.
They sit and judge me but I can’t tell them to stop,
If I tell them to stop I would have to tell all,
I would have to let them know everything about me.
The good and all of the bad.
I don’t know what to do anymore,
I don’t know what to say,
There are things that I should say to some friends,
But if I do, I could ruin things for good.
I could say things to people that I should get away from,
But I can’t because it is too hard to just let them go.
I should have said a lot by now, I should have opened up,
I should have let people see the real me but I hid behind mask after mask,
I should have let go instead of holding on to things that hurt me,
I should have let go instead of holding on to feelings inside of me,
I should just open up and let go….
If people are hurt, I am truly sorry.
If friends don’t want to be friends anymore, then I understand.
If the people I talk with don’t want to listen then I will be quiet.
If I just open up and talk, I think that I will finally have the feeling back.
Though it may hurt, I will be glad that I can feel again.