Reading Magnifico's journal

I haven't been sober in a week.

Even now, I'm sitting at my desk with a glass of whisky, but not trying to get drunk. I'm trying to go back to enjoying liquor, not cut myself, because I know that if I try to restrict myself and make it alluring and far away, I'll start drinking even more heavily. But I haven't been sober in a long time, it seems like. Maybe more than a week with all the pot, ambien, and liquor. On Thursday, I drank half a handle of vodka in one sitting.

2006 has not gone well so far, and I pray to God that it gets better soon. A couple of my friends, who were really really close, are no longer that way because the guy fell in love with the girl, but because she can't date him (she feels he is too close a friend), he's cutting himself off from her. The same night he told her, after holding it in for so long, that he loves her, she came to me. We talked, and got really close, in a mutual drunken stupor. That night, I had sex with somebody for the first time where I wasn't dating them, where I wasn't committed to them wholly, emotionally. We both feel that there might be more here, but I think we're both afraid of going into a relationship, especially right now. I don't feel that I am emotionally stable enough for one, and I still have some hang-ups from previous relationships that I haven't dealt with appropriately. She feels the timing alone is pretty dangerous, with our friend feeling the way he does about her, and because we've been friends for six months now and doesn't want to lose another close friend right now.

Two of my friends who were dating last semester now essentially fear seeing each other at gatherings. My roommate hasn't been here all semester because he overdosed on morphine and xanax over the break, and was put into rehab in california as soon as he was out of the ICU. I've had to take one friend to Family Planning to get emergency contraceptive, and was afraid I'd have to take another in the same month. There have been a few incidents this month where I started cutting myself again, not as a cry for attention or because I'm suicidal, but as an act of atonement for the things I've done. I'm still not sure how to feel about the action, because some people seem to think either that I'm doing it because I want to die/want somebody to save me (I don't), and some who think it's unhealthy to do this to myself simply because I'm very pissed at myself for the things I've done (which I am).

So I've been drinking. I've been trying to escape my responsibilities; not just in that social circle, but in the classroom (when I'm even in there) and with friends that aren't even involved. I have showed up to two play practices, where I am supposed to be the responsible one as stage manager and keep the actors focused and make sure everything is taken care of, stone cold drunk. It's not even that I haven't been able to get the job done, it's the fact that I'm turning my back on the things I care most about, like I'm losing my grip on them all and falling back into my hermetic apathy. There have been times where I eat one meal every other day, and I must have lost somewhere around 15 pounds in the last month (my belt that I've had for about four years now doesn't even fit anymore). I'm praying that after the dust settles from this things start looking up, because I don't know if I can handle seeing so many people I hold dear getting hurt like this, and I don't think I can put up with myself the way I've been going.

Thbbbbt