Reading Hardballkid's journal

Another day, another futile effort. I never thought I'd feel this desolate, this careless. Sleep, ally of death, is all I wait for now. All ambition crumbles to pieces, it doesn't mean anything any more. The tears swell up and my heart sinks to the floor as I realize something: I don't care any more. Everything I do is based on habit and not meaning. My friends seem so alienated - we never talk and I never understand them. I'm under the plaster of despair, wide awake, and wishing I would fall asleep. I feel abandoned and lost, but it doesn't matter, because I don't care. When I'm awake, I wander directionless, head filled of life-long desires and physical fantasies.

The sincere, affectionate touch of another is all I really think about any more. This thought occupies my mind, entrances my emotions. Apathy has desensitized me. Pleasure means nothing to me. Apathy. Just sleep and ignorance of reality. I don't need to ask myself who I am - I always knew, but now it doesn't matter.

When we sleep we dream about living. When we wake we dream about dying. Lies surround us. We drown in this sea of lies. We lie to ourselves. Push off reality and pull on a mask. Flawed are both the mask and the face it conceals. These tears are meaningless.

I dream of happiness, but open my eyes to the cold, sterile darkness inhibiting my reality.

(I’m not truly this bad off, but, it doesn’t all sound to far from the truth- As for now, I will lax into a bleak hallucination- pondering the potential of next Valentines Day- while I eat a white Sweetheart that simply says “Cool.”)

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!

I was almost feeling sorry for you, I'm glad you added the last bit that your writing wasn't exactly a reflection of your reality.

It was convincingly absence of hope and abstract just enough to convince the reader that you really are in a distracted state of mind. I see a great character development in the works.

Kudos for a well written entry.

I am just me, searching for simplicity.........and a good hair stylist

I think I'm going to introduce a new Japanese phrase to NAO. It's "ganbatte ne!" (がんばってね). It's kind of like, "good luck", "do your best", and "fight on!" all in one.

I'm sure you'll get through this (and I know it's not something you'd like to focus on, but I'd love to hear more concrete details about how this season of college life sucks).

We know you've got a good head, and plenty of motivation for important things. Sorry to say it, but somethings in college require not caring and just getting it done. Just don't let that stop you from doing your best on the things you love.

Ganbatte ne!!

Please contiune to vote AND post.

It's "ganbatte ne!"...It's kind of like, "good luck", "do your best", and "fight on!" all in one.

Thanks for enlightening us Charlie- I really enjoy that phrase/saying.

I'm sure you'll get through this (and I know it's not something you'd like to focus on, but I'd love to hear more concrete details about how this season of college life sucks).

Well, it is not only the 'college' aspect of my life that is throwing me for loops. It is a good part of it though, as I'm replying to this while sitting in the library trying to finish a research paper as the clock strikes midnight. However, what brought on the journal above was my despair over my lack of having a 'significant other.' Lately, I have been desiring a girlfriend to no end. It's been about a year and 9 days (but who's counting) since my last relationship - which you can read about numerous times in my first postings here at NAO.

I dont know exactly how to explain it. In one sense I quess its like in Where the Red Fern Grows where Little Anne follows Big Dan into the grave in grief over his death. No, nobody has died, but its that sensation of lonliness that I can associate with. There is just a piece of my that is anxious to rush into a relationship, to where I fear I might endanger the emotions/heart of mine or another. Whether a relationship would truly complete me or not right now- I'm not sure.

But as I look to my friends and classmates who have that other half -to which they find completness- I find myself lower in the pit of agony at the mere thought of desolateness.

"Wheres Mine?" - I ask. (Hate stating it that way as if if were a material possession I desire)

I know I'm still young (19) and have a life-long worth of experiences to encounter, but still, one cant but quizically question providence- right?

Ganbatte ne!!

And yes, no matter what- I will Fight On.

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!