Reading rosyxxx's journal

It's noon. I'm up! My friend Moon and I had a slumber party, and just chilled in her televisionless apartment. She was talking to me last night about the stuff with the attempted rape, and the Women's Music Festival that she went to...and a sweatlodge for abuse survivors. She said it changed her life. I had been doing okay, and then just started bawling yesterday. I called off work, and they were so cool about it, I guess because except when I am sick I'm reliable. :-) So, she came and picked me up, and we did this slumber party thing. Our bears had a tea party while we talked...sort of.

I saw the two new wooden Buddhas she brought back from her travels, and all these pictures of kids in Laos, and grandmothers and grandfathers. The people's eyes are just so loving. She said almost no one drinks there, except some of the men, and the hookers. Heh. Interesting. I've seen so much ugliness from alcohol. I've loved being back to the old person I used to be before 27, when I never drank. Not drinking for almost a year since late March has just been wonderful. It's really helped me get in touch with my feelings, and my issues.

It was so nice, though, last night, just sitting in her living room and listening to Radiohead, talking, staring at the ceiling, and then getting up and going to Denny's for 3 am eggs. I felt so loved. And there was no need to talk about the stuff that hurt. With her, talking about everything that's wonderful about life was what was so healing. I need more of that in my life. I'm a little tired, because I slept fitfully in a strange place closer to the street noise...but it's good for me. I heard the pigeons, the owls, the buses, people on the street...and it was good. I really want to just knuckle down, save as much money as possible, move, and travel.

I don't want a real job. I don't want to accumulate posessions. I don't want to fit in with society's ideas of how I should be...I want to travel, and maybe join the Peace Core, or just move to another country and disappear into the woodwork. I've actually been thinking for years about becoming a nun. We talked about that last night. I asked if she'd ever thought about that, and she said no, that she liked sex too much. I love it too, but I can do without. The peace of mind without all of the relationship drama is wonderful.

What I like about Buddhism, is the way that it accepts the little demons inside you that need to be loved, not thrown out in the snow. The way you train to become more integrated in mind and spirit and body, to accept the fact that you can have both a loving and a somewhat hateful side, and have the love slowly take over the hate, to the point that it begins to do less damage...but you still accept that side of yourself instead of rejecting it. It's your protective side. I love it. It's soooooo not about guilt, and really about healing -- yourself and the world.

Today is just beautiful in more ways than one. The sun is shining, it's warm and lovely outside, and it feels like love is in the air. The pain of last night seems so far away right now. I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not interested in dwelling on stuff, or finding myself sucked into a quagmire again. Life is too short and too beautiful to feel that way....ta ta!

*aside* Bernie, if you didn't get my e-mail, and if you did as well, just send me an e-mail about the proofreading stuff. I'll be on the computer for the rest of March, and then finally, finally I can let this computer go. I've been waiting for so long, and now the time is almost here to let so many things go....including my Persian rug. :-)

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?