Reading What Sucks

AHHHH finally a place where I can vent. Guys I am really looking forward to some input from you on this topic, especially the married guys. Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her? Keep in mind that he is married and I love him more than anything. There was a time I thought he cared for me now I am not so sure. We used to talk everyday and now I am lucky if we talk once every two weeks. When should I know for sure to count my losses???

I'm not a married guy for two years, but I think communication is a serious factor in your relationship. I think if you find a way to relate to him like you did before, then you will find yourself being more sexual just as a side effect of getting along better.

Make a point to do something fun like go to the movies. Date like you did when you were first getting to know each other. Don't lose sight of the things that you two love about each other. If you love him, then you should try to get him to talk. If you keep putting it off, the awkwardness will just grow and nothing good can come from it.

"If I die of a heart attack eating bacon, I'll be a happy man." -My father

Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her?

I'd say the answer depends on what kind of guy he is and the exact circumstances. I think the more important question is, do you really want to know the answer? If yes, I suggest you ask him - and don't let him go until you get an honest answer.

Life goes on.

Maybe I am a little drubk !!! I am not completely sure who is asking this question. The girl the married guy has been involved with sexually for the past 2 years ? Well ! I have been married for almost a year now, and I can tell you something. Married guys like to F@#k ! And they don't like to f@#k their wives !! In some weird strange genetic, almost primordial sense they seek challenge. Marriage takes away that whole "hunting the prey" fun away from the game of sex. The second factor is that marriage is really difficult. Emotionally, it is quite traumatic. In general, guys don't like losing and are non-confrontational. Sex outside marriage seems like a excellent adventure sport along with being the easy way out. If you are getting laid outside the marriage, it makes it so much easier to simply ignore the marriage, and maybe even like it. As far as morality and ethics are concerned, they really have very little weighage in out "logical" minds.

Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her? Yes. A guy and only a guy can. The relationship is nothing more than what you have perceived it to be - sexual. Period. And given the fact that your conversations are drying up indicates that he is getting ready to move on...

I hope I understood the question. And I am sorry. Anyway, this is just my personal opinion.

In some weird strange genetic, almost primordial sense they seek challenge. Marriage takes away that whole "hunting the prey" fun away from the game of sex.

That sounds a bit misandric to me. I am sorry that you may have had some bad experiences, but men are not (all) mindless, instinctual creatures purely bent on having as much sex as possible.
Hell, some might even be open to establishing a clearly bound relationship (that is not a marriage).
But perhaps that's just my male reproductive organ speaking...

In general, guys don't like losing and are non-confrontational.

Women do like losing? In a perfectly sexist (masculinity v.s. femininity) world, that could create some balance.

Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her? Yes. A guy and only a guy can.

Tell that to Anna Nicole Smith. Seriously though, where are you getting your material?
I hope you will have more luck selecting a partner in the future.

Are you ready for more of the same?

This post was edited by oKtosiTe on Oct 10, 2007.

That sounds a bit misandric to me.

I don't think so. From the top of my head I remember three friends of mine, who are in happy, fulfilling relationships and still have remarked to me that they miss being "on the hunt". It's not about wanting sexual partners for them, it's that going out "hunting" used to be such a large and exciting part of their lives.

On the other hand, most men I know completely lose their desire to go on the hunt as soon as they're in a relationship. My theory is that it depends on whether meeting and dating women is a scary process for you (so you're happy when you make it into a relationship and don't have to deal with it anymore), or whether you find it fun and exciting.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Thanks for balancing that out, Jaz! Sharp.

Are you ready for more of the same?

Thanks for the reply, the truth is I should have let him go a long time ago. I did what you advised I asked him. I asked him what we were. His response which threw me back a bit was this..."we are the perfect situation, and just what one another needs. you will never be able to find two members of the opposite sex who get along, relate to one another, and to be able to have the conversations that we have" WTF

So how is it going ? If you are not seeing him, I think you will have to slowly pick up the pieces and move on... If you are still seeing him, you might be struck in this dilemma for a while. Anyway, nobody said life was easy.

No life is not easy and that is the beauty and the fun of all of it. But, your post was awesome. You can't just walk up to someone and say "you know I am having sex with a married man, help" yea that would make me look really bad. The things you wrote gave me a new perspective, I don't want to be the easy way out of his situation. Granted I have never been married so I can't say from experience, but I would say that it could not be easy.

To my defense, I did not realize he was married until after we had been seeing one another for a while. To answer your question, yes I am still seeing him, more now than when I made the first post. He is now blaming our lack of communication on his recent career change.

Since him I have gained a confidence about myself that I have never had, I have lost weight, and changed a lot of different things about myself. He is sort of affiliated with my work, and I work with all men except for four other women. His new thing now is that I am going to find someone at work and forget about him. (I wonder if he forgets about me when he goes home to his wife!!!!!!!) He has seen me talking to different people and is getting jealous, which is new, it is usually the other way around.

Your right, I think I will be dealing with this for a really long time. I am slowly getting over the whole situation, as weird as that sounds I have to do that my way and I will not be able to do it just walking away from him. I do not make it as easy for him to have time with me as I used to. We are playing the game on my terms. The hardest thing about this is going to be losing my comfort zone, which is with him. He has helped me thru a lot of rough things that have happened. He has been a leaning post for me for a while; when he said we were the perfect situation that is because for over two years not we have gone to each other for someone to talk to.

So I have made this long enough. Thanks for the advice and insight.

I found myself unable to experience love, since i'm so f*ed up. I have a girlfriend for ~4years now. And she is okay with that, i suppose.

On the other hand i feel like a total bastard being unable to experience the most complex emotions. :/

"Life is a queue. You come in, hang around for a bit, get some service, then depart."

Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her?

you almost answered your question. if it's mostly sexual, it's a physical "relationship."
You gals who get tangled with a married man should be ashamed of yourself. Not because I think it's morally wrong, or some crap like that, but because you always go into these things with unreal, and unreasonable expectations.
If I've seen it once, I've seen it 100 times on this very site, women who lament the loss of a relationship with a guy who's emotionally unavailable, and she just can't accept the situation. She thinks that he'll pick her over the wife.
Sometime, it does happen, most times it don't. An affair is exactly that, a short-time happening.
He doesn't feel the same way about you as time goes on, but still you believe his lies.
Newsflash: the guy will string you along for as long as you let him.
If things haven't gotten better in 2 years, how much longer do you think it'll be before they improve--do you want to wait another 10 years, hoping it'll get better?

Stay with him, or not. It's your choice. Ultimately, you get what you deserve. But don't go crying to anyone else when it doesn't match up to your hopes.

The Cranesbill--a surprising pick by Emmet.

Zen,
Thank you

Quote from zen's post
"Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her?

you almost answered your question. if it's mostly sexual, it's a physical "relationship."
You gals who get tangled with a married man should be ashamed of yourself. Not because I think it's morally wrong, or some crap like that, but because you always go into these things with unreal, and unreasonable expectations.
If I've seen it once, I've seen it 100 times on this very site, women who lament the loss of a relationship with a guy who's emotionally unavailable, and she just can't accept the situation. She thinks that he'll pick her over the wife.
Sometime, it does happen, most times it don't. An affair is exactly that, a short-time happening.
He doesn't feel the same way about you as time goes on, but still you believe his lies.
Newsflash: the guy will string you along for as long as you let him.
If things haven't gotten better in 2 years, how much longer do you think it'll be before they improve--do you want to wait another 10 years, hoping it'll get better?

Stay with him, or not. It's your choice. Ultimately, you get what you deserve. But don't go crying to anyone else when it doesn't match up to your hopes. "

QUOTE: "...Can a guy really carry on a relationship (mostly sexual) with a girl for two years if he does not feel anything for her? Keep in mind that he is married and I love him more than anything..."

Ok, I don't have all the answers on this issue, but I can tell You about my own experience. I am a married man, and I am with another girl for almost six yrs by now. And....I love her. I do, very much. And she loves me even more, as she use to say. I have never made any promise to her. I am what I am. If I just could turn back the time, and meet her earlier then I met my wife...
I don't think that he does not feel anything for you. He must feel something. That justifies his efforts to be with you for two yrs. And, for a married man, it is an certain effort.
However, it's a very beautifull relationship and it sucks at the same time. I know

Thanks for the awesome post. This topic has received a lot of mixed explanations. One question for you though...do you ever feel guilty and shy away from the gf for a while. The thing with me is there are times that he is really distant and moody, but then he will call me and everything seems to back to the way it was. But, your right it is wonderful and amazing, but then there are times it really sucks and I think those are the times where we both think we want out of it.

Hi. I have been out of town this month and away from the most urban things. It is my first working day after the holidays.
You ask me if I ever feel guilty. Well, maybe sometimes I do think that I am holding her life on a dead point. She loves me and she can't be with somebody else. Not that I am possessive, becouse I have never made her any promises and lies about my status. Now, she is with someone. She tries to put her life together, and I'm helping her as much as I can. I know the guy, he loves her very much. But, something is missing... She can't focus on her new and promissing relationship. My shaddow is always there, and seems to cause very cold heart. We also tried to get out of it, several times. It was impossible. We will never stop to love each other.

I'd count your losses and move on. Some guys stay in a relationship for the free RIDE. You deserve better for yourself. It sounds to me like once he finds someone else he will move on anyway. If he really loved you, he would be doing all in his power to make your relationship work. I'm no perfect male, but to romance a woman, single or married is the most precious thing a relationship has to offer.

I agree!

Hi, i was wondering if you're still in this situation. i too am involved with a married man, except i have been with him for four years and constantly am fighting between my head and heart on his "feelings" for me. i would LOVE to be able to speak with someone who is in the same situation as me. BTW - i'm also married, and we have been "caught" several times, and yet the other man refuses to get out of my life...i keep trying to push him away and he won't go.

I would say its the Saddest thing on earth when you love someone , sometimes even more than yourself but then you never get loved back. But then its how things are .. everything changes with time and so does people. You cant make them stick to you or remain the way they use to be in past. The only solution i guess is to move on and hope you'll find someone better.

The most disappointing part is some people practice the art of keeping their options option , they wont tell you the truth unless it becomes so important that your life depends on it. In my opinion everyone deserves to know the truth , I only wish the other person could at least share his/her unbiased views ; makes it lot easier to hear the truth rather than wondering what could be true.

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.""- Meredith Grey (Greys Anatomy)