Reading rosyxxx's journal

Since Sunday, I've been so full of happiness. Granted, yesterday, I felt a little like I got hit by a dump truck, but not really. This guy Rob who did the Reiki healing on me...I guess he's a level III with a lot of practice...he said I'd feel wiped at some point. Well I did yesterday, but I wasn't sad.

I swear I feel like I did twelve years ago, before my mother ever got sick, before the hemorraghing, the tumors, the cysts, the cancer, her death. People who knew me back then said that I was happy all of the time, always giggling, always laughing, making other people laugh, goofy jokes, just giggling for no reason. And then things changed. Then I got bitter about life, and angry that she was gone. Angry at the whole world. I've had happy moments since then, but I've never felt like I did before she ever got sick, until now. I just love it.

I don't know whether this is because of What Rob did, or what Ashley did with her Reiki/crystal healing, and her distance healing from Sedona, or if it's just being in Moon's company, and her good vibes rubbed off, or if it's the meditation, or if it's the fact that approximately last week, I've been chanting for a year...I don't know. Or maybe it's that I forgot to smoke my weed somewhere around Sunday....or the organic food, or the fact that the horrendous amount of overwhelming clutter and overflowing books in my home is now disappearing.

Actually, I don't think it's any one thing. It's everything. It's probably partly talking with a friend online here about the loss of his mother. That healed me as well. And it's also the out-of-body experience I had recently where I felt as if I heard all of the voices in the world, crying and laughing. It felt as if everyone is really one being. It's all happening so fast, and I love it. I'm so grateful. I'm actually grateful for the illnesses, and the attempted rape. If that guy hadn't almost raped me, then Rob would not have done the Reiki healing...and I wouldn't feel as if all of the physical violations that have occured in my lifetime were healed.

I've never been so happy in my life. I just want to spread it around. People at work on Monday asked me if I was high. They couldn't believe that I was just happy. It was so foreign to them. Yesterday, when my friend Dan came to pick me up to take me to my car, he said that I seem so happy, and that my Southern accent (long gone for years...) is now back again. It's like I am no longer embarrassed to have a thick accent, and I'm not interested in 'fronting' to be so sophisticated in my speech. I just sound like a southern belle again. I didn't notice it, until he pointed it out. The accent only ever came out before when I was tired and not vigilant enough to cover it up. It's like all of my colors are flying!

And the people I've been around like Dan, just are so affectionate, hugging, kisses on the cheek, sharing the love... so many people came up tonight at work, people I've known for years, people I knew years ago, people I've never met -- to tell me that they really enjoy my presence. But it's not my presence. It's just something bigger I feel.

I feel so connected. I don't feel afraid to talk to people. I'm just so happy I don't know what to do with myself. And ever since I meditated in front of that huge statue of Kuan Yin, I've felt this overpowering urge to go to the hospital around the corner and ask if I can rock the preemies in the neonatal unit, or just reach in the sleeves and touch the ones in the incubators. I want to hold their little heads and rock them, smile at them, sing to them. I don't need the children I've lost to give that kind of love to...everyone's babies and everyone counts.

I'm just so happy I wish I could give it to everyone. Even Mr. Potato Head and Rick. And Linda. And my sister. And James and Wendy. I just want to pass it on. And I know I can do that without even talking to them. But especially I want everyone on here to know how much I really do love you guys for actually, truly, starting this process for me back in September of 2004. I'm actually really grateful to every one of you, even the people I don't seem to be talking to anymore. Just know that I love you. The past is gone. It's over. It's so nice to be looking at leaving with this wonderful feeling in my heart. So nice. I just want to pass it on. And I want it to stay forever. Even if there are bad days, I want to be able to feel that love. I've known that it was there, intellectually, but the way it "feels" is so much better.

Thinking about it is one thing. Actually feeling it is entirely different ball of wax altogether. It's absolutely beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you everyone for your help on this journey. I hope what has healed my heart can heal yours as well. I know there is so much more work to be done for myself and for others, but it just seems like an adventure to me now, rather than a long road uphill. I've still got hills to go up, but I am excited about them. I'm no longer afraid. The fear is gone. Just truly gone. It's gone.

I feel like I could stay well forever, like my body will be on my side now. Not sabotaging my ass. I feel like my little coochie is so pretty, and deserves to be loved. I'm probably gonna go ahead and pierce it with some jewelry to make it look even prettier. I just want to jazz it all up, and show it some love. I wish every woman and every man could feel this way...so open and happy, and accepting of themselves and their sexuality, and how beautiful it is...no more guilt and sadness. No more cancer, no more AIDS. All of the incest and rapes healed. All of the repression gone. All of the guilt gone. And most importantly, the ability to know that life is such a precious gift, and that it is possible to let go of our loved ones who have died, without feeling as if we have betrayed them in moving on with our lives.

Just to let go of guilt and misery period. To feel no need for it...to let the negativity go, and heal our souls. To no longer even have an urge to hurt others. Can you imagine what our criminal justice system would be like with no one on death row, no one in prison, because everyone cares about each other and helps each other? Maybe not in my lifetime, but I hope in someone's lifetime. The sooner the better. To no longer dwell on past guilt, and also not to be engaging in things that will cause more guilt. To not even feel the compulsion to create guilt.

My wish is for everyone else to have this feeling. It truly rocks.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

Sometymes i can almost hate you...just posatively detest you.
I was about to post to my journal about mom's memorial service, which was today at 2 by the way, and I decided to visit you first. OOps! silly wabbit.
I can hate you because you make me actually read.
In case I've not told you this before, I HATE to read.
You, you sweet thing, make me read more often then I care to count.
Were I not to read your post all the way through (even though it's 5:12 am Sunday morning ~~), I would miss this absolutley memorable gem:

I feel like my little coochie is so pretty, and deserves to be loved. I'm probably gonna go ahead and pierce it with some jewelry to make it look even prettier. I just want to jazz it all up, and show it some love

it resonates. It plants a particularly fragrent blossem in my mind: salient reminder that you are a beautiful creature on so many levels.
(maybe if i say me prayers to Kali, she'll bless me with a picture of that most lovely flower sprouting its latest adornments :-P)

I've been meaning to reply to your post on the Osho cards. that was very nice.
Again, I must plead the fact of my reading issues...and of course, I've been busy...and I had to re-install Windows on this stupid box...and, well, you get the point.
I know the most important part of that is my input into the discussion.

I came over here cause i wanted to say hi.
i wanted to touch the hem of your robe.
Thank you for beeing happy. Thank you for giving that to me. Thank you for thinking about me, and mom.

I can so easily picture that about you, how you described yourself then. I can so picture that you are in your natural state: a bubbling, inspirational, source of energy and light. It makes me feel sad that your joy, and my joy have been diluted, and civilized, and turned away from our original natures, our bodhis.'
Yes I would speak in Zen metaphores with you because you deserve all the wonderous healing and purifying energy that it can bring you.
Who heals the healer? Who cares for you? ashley the reiki-healer. your family. your friends. me.
i can feel what you said. it resonates. all of it.

i was recently told by my partner's friend Christine that there is no closure. I said yes there is, depending on one's definition. Saying goodbye when the person is in their right mind, able to vocalize their thoughts.
Mom, and grandma (who died of cancer also) 5 yrs earlier, were in their right minds on what turned-out-to-be their deathbeds. I couldn't ever ask for more closure than for all of us family to have been there at the very end, where she could call me "her precious." I was her only son. I had the chance to say "i love you" and "goodbye."
I think it selfish to ask for any more than that.
My heart aches deeply for those who never got that much.

We held the memorial at mom's church. They are super christian.
Mom hated being called religious, but in the end, that's really the most fitting phrase to use to define he beliefs.
Even though she had so many "surface" interests: cooking, gardening, knitting, reading, Murder She Wrote, it's impossible to separate her from her core (religious) beliefs.
Saying goodbye publically was very important. I and my Sister Hol~ spoke, as did R~, and other members of her family, friends and church. If it wasn't for all the church crap, and the alter call (what a cheap shot --at her funeral, nonetheless!!), it was nice.
I got a chance to say my final goodbyes publically, and apologize a little bit for how I've been in the past. Of course, there's lots of stuff that I wanted to say, tons, but couldn't fit it all in.
One of the things that would've been appropriate is the story about when I got hit by the car. I was maybe 6 at the time.
I used to run-off. Mom would always come chase me. (I get the "exploring" genes from both my folks.) This time I remember we were in town, and mom was shopping. She told me that she'd take me to Dairy Queen after shoping, if I could wait. I was so impatient.
I chose not to wait. I remember looking both ways before crossing the road, but obviously I misjudged the rate of speed.
The last thing I remember was hitting the ground so hard it knocked me unconscious. I came to, officially, in the emergency room.
It was only years later that I recall seeing the ambulence haul me off, and the insides of the emergency room. It was from the third person. I was watching myself. I believe I died and came back, or I was close. I think I saw that bright light, but it might have just been the light in the em. rm.
That's my legacy--running off and getting into trouble. And mom was always there for me.

I had to say something about her so that everyone "out there," all those who never saw her internal and private life, could have a chance to get to know her. She was like the metaphorical iceburg.
It was important that I get in the last words, just to remember her well. She was sick; she had problems; she was human. and she was lovable--frailties, and shortcomings and all.

Just to let go of guilt and misery period. To feel no need for it...to let the negativity go, and heal our souls. To no longer even have an urge to hurt others. Can you imagine what our criminal justice system would be like with no one on death row, no one in prison, because everyone cares about each other and helps each other?

My older sister wouldn't get up to speak. She's still filled with hate, and bitterness over the old days. I was hurt by those days, but I would not let this go without saying my peace.
My sister will never have the chance to say anything. The spirit gets to see its parting. It think it must make my mom a little sad, even in whatever heaven she's in, to see that her first born...
but that's not my business. that's with her and her creator.
i need not worry or concern myself with her business.
i got all that i could've asked for.

It's nice to hear you're happy. let me take this moment to feel it with you.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

This post was edited by zen on Mar 19, 2006.

...and I decided to visit you first. OOps! silly wabbit.

Holy cow! I signed up on a reiki share site as 'sillyrabbit'. That's funny! Ha! :-D

(maybe if I say my prayers to Kali, she'll bless me with a picture of that most lovely flower sprouting its latest adornments.:-P)

Well, I'm not sure I'll do it, but if I do...I want my friend Moon to do it. She does piercings for a living. And I'd like to get someone who works in lapidary to fashion a bead from some atacamite, or green flourite. That's what I want. *beams*

I've been meaning to reply to your post on the Osho cards. That was very nice.

You are so welcome. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be of some help. It made me feel needed and it healed me as well. I just cried when I read what I'd written and quoted on the last card, and it healed another piece of my heart that broke when my mother died. I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, and to find that it was due to cancer...well, it just makes me that much more determined to do as many healings as possible when I get my Reiki I and II, so that someday, some years from now, someone will offer to attune me to Reiki III, and then I can go on the AIDs and cancer wards and help those patients....especially the one's in great pain waiting for their morphine drips in absolute agony. Even if I can't heal someone of cancer (which I hope is possible), I want to ease the kind of physical pain that brought my mother to tears. Even if someone has to die, it still would be nice to ease their passing of misery. To see them die with a smile on their face.

It seems to me from what you've said that your mother did die happy. She had a healing with you.

I came over here cause I wanted to say hi.
i wanted to touch the hem of your robe.

Well...I don't wear one, I go skyclad, heh....so there you go. And well, if that means what I think it means, then please know that my ultimate goal is to feel so connected to everything that my ego no longer desires any gratification. After all, any healing work that is done, is because of the life force, the chi, the energy. Not our individual personas. But I'm glad I could be of help. Still, something directed me that day, and it wasn't my psyche.

And what you said about us being in our natural state as bubbling, inspirational sources of light was beautiful! When everyone Thursday was coming up to hug me, tell me how much they loved me, and how wonderful I was, and when some insisted that for me to be that happy I must be on drugs...all I could think was: It's here for you too. I'm standing in the middle of the bridge...wavering. I can see, still, the misery I left behind, and the pull of it; while also seeing this truly magical happiness. Heaven on earth exists. Our natural state is to be happy.

Those kinds of moments are what are just so insipiring. So when the days like yesterday, where I see stuff that just is so annoying and irritating happen, I look back over the bridge, and see myself turning in circles. I haven't left the bridge yet. Someday I hope to.

Your mother's on the other side of the bridge, and she's probably smiling and waving, but you just can't see her. Like she's an invisible little fairy with some magic dust to put you to sleep, and dream of a world where nothing is seperate. She's with you more than you know. Her energy has probably actually integrated some of itself with you. But science isn't at a level yet to prove that.

You have my thoughts and my love, and my gratitude for the healing that you have done for me as well. Thank you Trevor.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Mar 19, 2006.