Reading rosyxxx's journal

After a decade of teaching aerobics, followed by another decade of stripping, and three years in a Physical Therapy program, followed by an art degree because I felt that modern medecine wasn't creative enough...I think I have found my path.

This is what I was looking for...to heal myself, and then to be able to heal others. Somehow, continuing to strip for a living, while working part-time selling yarn that bothers my sinuses doesn't seem like what I want. Cutting hair for a living doesn't seem to be it. Being a librarian doesn't seem to be it.

It needs to be in the health care field, or the health and wellness field. When I switched my degree from Physical Therapy to Fine Art, I did it hoping to go into a Master's Degree Program in Art Therapy. But I don't even like modern psychological theories. They don't resonate with me.

A few years back when I began to take an interest in different forms of energy healing, I met a man who told me that I was naturally a very gifted healer. Everyone actually has the capacity. They realize that more in other countries, such as China, where children in rural areas are taught to give Chi Kung healing from the time they can walk. But he said that I had an exceptional ability that I had blocked for some reason.

Someone else told me that in a past life, I had been very advanced spiritually, but that I had misused my power. It would make sense with the karmic stuff I've been working with...but now that so many people have been coming around to help heal me, and presenting me with opportunitites to be of help to them...my interest is so strong. I was skeptical of things like crystal healing and Reiki for a long time, even though I did invest quite heavily in the crystals five years ago. Five years ago, the guy I met thought that I should learn Reiki.

Now, my girlfriend says that her aunt would teach me. And the guy I met while meditating the other day, said that there were people at the Reiki Circle Share who would probably agree to giving me Reiki attunements. Reiki and crystals seem to be very interconnected, and it feels like home to me.

I don't think I was meant to follow a traditional work path. My intellect is so much stronger when used intuitively. I can channel it intellectually, and have...I've worked in insurance and in banking. And yet, it just feels like I could do so much more. Reiki feels like home to me. It feels like that is where my energy and my heart belongs. It feels as if whatever else needs healing within me will be healed with Reiki, and that I would be very good at passing the energy along. It feels as if the process would change me so much more than I have already changed....and I think I'm ready. I really want to learn Reiki. As in right now. I hope whoever will teach me deems me to be ready.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

Excellent post. concise, and focused. Amazing. I never woulda thunked it of your writing.
Actually, this is very nice; not only that you've found direction (as evidenced in your tone), and it's in the healing field.

The world needs more healers. It needs more healing. It needs more people willing to use that skill.
The problem is that healers have to keep giving. It can kill them. May all the best and brightest spirits by with you that it doesn't happen, but that power becomes manifested through material means: your body and energi. I comes from somewhere.

Who cares for the healer? Physician heal herself?
Someone needs to care for you, someone who cares for you very much. That is her fountain.
There is some truth in the passage that says "whereever two or more are gathered, there i am in the midst," and the other like versus. It's all about the combined power of belief. No one is an island. Don't isolate.
I say that more for myself, than you.
I isolate, i feel sick, i decay.
I isolate i can't and won't feel pain.
and in the end, all i feel is that pain, and lonlieness, and isolation and bitterness.
it seeps through the very fabric of my existence, it becomes all i see. there is nothing but the veil that covers my face, and i think that it will always be that way.

in order to heal myself i can do nothing except let that pain, and hurt,
and lonely,
and hatred,
and rage,
and utter filth
wash over me, drown me.
i must accept these feelings
i need to be whole.
i need to feel joy
i need to move
through my pain
and fear

Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag

Excellent post. concise, and focused. Amazing. I never woulda thunked it of your writing.

Yeah, I can just wander all over the darn place, can't I? *laughs* I have my moments now where it is so easy to focus. That just really didn't happen before. My energy was so frenetic. Aynjell even mentioned that. He said that he'd never read someone's writing online that seemed as if they were so 'out of breath'.

The world needs more healers. It needs more healing. It needs more people willing to use that skill. The problem is that healers have to keep giving. It can kill them.

Not necessarily. That is the beauty of both Reiki and Chi Gung. If you are truly attuned, then you are drawing down energy from the Source...and not depleting your original chi. You are using the universe to heal.

As far as crystals, traditional methods of cleansing and charging them only go so far. It's said that infusing the stones and crystals with your energy can increase their healing power tenfold. When I first worked with crystals the only way I knew to charge them was with my own energy. It drained me. But Reiki symbols can charge the crystals as well, without draining you.

It's funny, but while participating in a Reiki share the other evening, I saw a beautiful white light, and my hands began to grow so warm, almost hot. I can't feel it so much now, but while I was in the presence of several Reiki III's I could feel it. And that energy......I had it years ago, when I first walked in the door of the stripclub. I would get on stage, and what I was doing was drawing down power from the Source. I literally vibrated with energy. I could feel it coming off me. I sent it out into the room, without truly knowing what I was doing.

And then I let people just drain me. I let them suck me dry. I began to drink, and the holes and tears in my aura multiplied, and the darkness came to feed. I felt like Inanna trying to save her sister Erishekgal in the Greek legends...only I was both Inanna and Erishkegal.

It's so nice to feel that energy again, and to realize what it was -- a gift from the past. And I don't feel drained anymore. What the Reiki and the crystals have done, far exceeds the power of Yoga (at this point) and accupuncture. I just need to remain attuned to the source, and to become more 'attuned'. I don't think it will deplete me, not the way Reiki works. ESPECIALLY not if I continually remind myself that the energy is not mine, but is given to me to use.

Don't isolate.

No, don't. :-) But also, be careful who's energies you align yourself with. It's so hard to read people over the net, and sometimes hard to read them anyway. While you are trying to move out of the pain you are in, you are so vulnerable. So vulnerable. The people you surround yourself with now are key. They need to be positive, because you will remember to resonate with the positive while you are healing your heart.

People confuse and dualize the positive and the negative. Yes, of course, they aren't really seperate. But then people need to go further to realize that it's really light and darkness, or light at the core of darkness; not positive and negative. The darkness with light at it's core, is true darkness. A positive darkness. Like the warm, damp earth, or a night with a full moon. The darkness that fools you, with no light at it's core, is negativity. It is a falseness. True darkness is positive...not knowing that is why people fear to do the soulwork they need to do. It seems so dark, but in the real darkness there is a flashlight shining. It took me so long to realize that. I remember reading an essay on 'The Counter-Initiation' by Julius Evola, in his book on The Magus; and it began to become clearer.

A great loss such as yours leave holes and tears in your aura (you know this...), and the negative can come in and attach itself. When you have begun to heal a little more from the loss, you might be strong enough to let people into your life who have a bit of a negative twinge. Certainly, if I ever speak with you and am in such a negative state on a given day...it is in your best interest for at least the next year, to withdraw a bit, until the negative aspect is not so strong.

Take care of yourself. You need this time. Treat your mind and soul and spirit, as you would your body if you were very, very sick. This isn't so easy in a world and time where the rituals of mourning are not really recognized. Most people roll up the carpet after a few weeks, but the soul needs longer to heal. If you don't do it now, you will have to do it later, and it could take much, much longer. Surround yourself with people who are full of love and light. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy. And when you are strong enough again, you can step into the shade of the trees, and be there for those who's eyes hurt from the light.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.