Reading majic's journal

The hardest part of being me at the point I am in life is the realization that I simply cannot find anyone to connect with on a purely intellectual and emotional level. Not the ordinary friendship with another human, that is not what I mean. I'm pointing towards the kind of person that understands you and doesn't laugh at all your oddities and mannerisms. The kind of unconditional love that transcends the daily shit that plagues our lives.

This life of mine seems to be filled with fuckers that walk around and jump to a beat that is canted by some arcane societal force that revolves around pop culture and worthless bullshit, material wealth and fads. I can't touch these people, they are untouchable and unapproachable, they are clueless and run around like zombies infected by an invisible but unbreakable gravity. I simply am not speaking the same language, I know there is more but yet I am alone.

Despite my lack of emotional contact, unfullfilled intellectual needs and general sense of loneliness I am not depressed, hardly. I am probably at the pinnacle of mental health that I have ever been. I am happy, glad to be alive and in a very cheerful care free mood daily. Infact I am scaring myself at how sunny my demeanor has been. I feel as alive as ever and I thank GOD for this.

Yet here I am crying out...

transform this emptiness
inhale and let go
feel it from your eyes
down into your soul
this me I show to others
this person that is in me
I can make it what I want
and project that which I see
today a man that walks alone
to a place I cannot see
a place I do not know
yet a place that sets me free
I hear a distant voice
I'll take a photograph to remember
all the friends I wish I had
can be so lonely on the outside
a place I stand to look in
see the sunrise then it's burning glow
this morning was a new start
tonight it slips away
I can feel the love around me
it's warm vibrant hold
I'll gladly participate in this life
if only you'll show me how
a thousand years separates me
from the place you stand
I'll run until I fall
to be that pinnacle in your eyes
a thousand years behind me
a second not too long
the skin is not too deep
to find out who I am
can be so unforgiving
to hide behind a moment
this inside is worth more
than the projection from this light
deeper than a memory
my feelings live in me
larger than the universe
my curiosity seems to be
two eyes gaze upon a foggy plane
a stumble upon a fall
picked up from where I left
only to realize
I've forgotten how to walk
I couldn't recognize another
if it hit me in the face
and stood outside my front door
begging to be within
the confining walls that I build around myself
until I tear myself inside
a faint whisper bleeds
yearning to live
to be connected with others

Someday, somehow...

Im sorry you feel so alone
but i think you write beutifull poetry
i know its not easy to conect with people, they can seem petty matirialistic and judgemental,thats thire problem.
If your not depressed and you can think clearlly maybee it would help to find a course, something you believe in and focus you energy on doing something positive that can mabee change this ignorant world that we live in for the better, sometimes by helping others we inadvertantlly help our selves
but keep up the poetry its really cool
ps please forgive my misspellings, im stil working on that

The hardest part of being me at the point I am in life is the realization that I simply cannot find anyone to connect with on a purely intellectual and emotional level.

It's so timely for me that you posted this, as I have been thinking about this topic quite a bit recently.

There is something quite terrifying about the realization that, as human beings, no matter how long we interact with one another or how well we know each other, we are ultimately alone. I have felt this quite strongly lately, as I have been living in the town where I grew up; I've had a realization that my old friends are people I now hardly know or understand, people I'm not sure I even want to maintain friendships with. And so, surrounded by people who ought know me perfectly, I am still, in essence, isolated.

Despite my lack of emotional contact, unfullfilled intellectual needs and general sense of loneliness I am not depressed, hardly. I am probably at the pinnacle of mental health that I have ever been. I am happy, glad to be alive and in a very cheerful care free mood daily.

I think I know what you mean... The ultimate realization of alone-ness can be affirming, even peaceful. I think, for me at least, it's the knowledge that I am my own best resource. I don't think anyone should completely separate themselves from other people, but there is nothing wrong with being satisfied with one's own company.

I love being around people, but when they are people who don't meet the standards of what I deem quality interaction, I don't mind being on my own, either. I guess you could call me a rabidly social loner. ;)

I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for...

My stepdad isn't mean, he's just adjusting. -Death to Smoochy