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Prologue: Here it is. The big one. Two years on NAO, and this is the personal development post. Iíve written things on NAO I was proud of, but this is more. Anyone can read it and thatís fine with me, but at the core this is for the select few on NAO who are really my friends. This could have been a Love and Lifesense post also; I no longer pooh-pooh that forum like I once did. I donít dislike anyone just for having problems with emotional development (no matter what their spelling and grammar is like). But you canít be taught things like these. You canít take notes and make adjustments accordingly. I didnít learn it from a book, or a song, or a lecture. This post is only a picture of me.
They say 15 is a tough age to be. I took it to new heights. When I was 12.5 my family and I moved to a new city. For a time after, as a homeschooler, I was cut off from regular contact with people my own age that I could relate to. I didn't feel like a lot was missing. But at age 15, an event happened that changed everything. I went to a camp for homeschooling teens for a week, and I was surrounded by people of all different walks of life, with experiences I could not conceive.
I hung out with people, moved around a lot, sat with different groups. But it was too much. I had no direction. I was being pulled in different directions, overloaded by all these new things. I became indecisive. By the end I was a scrambling mess. The tragedy is, there were people there who were amazing. If I had only connected with them, we would still be in touch today.
But instead I did the worst thing. I felt terrible inside, but instead of exploring the way I felt, I cut myself off from it. In order to not feel bad, I stopped feeling anything at all. at the time I felt pathetic and inferior, and for the last four years of my life I have fought those feelings. Fought them by denying them, playing 'catch-up' by mimicking the teens that I wanted to be, and protecting myself from ever feeling bad. I was never able to free myself emotionally.
I don't lament the last four years. Many great things happened. I developed a lot, but primarily physically and intellectually. My emotional self was stuck. I came to NAO as an intellectual, and it was great, and I cared about it. I came to feel quite proud of my intellectually constructed self. But when it came to emotion, I faked it, or just lied outright (only 2-3 NAO posts showed my true feelings on something). I stopped thinking about my life emotionally, because I was afraid I would feel bad again. And as a result, I was incomplete as an individual. All I could do was move forward jerkily.
Then finally, last summer happened. A very Machiavellian individual saw straight through me. He refused to tolerate my illusions and let me hide in my shell, and smashed them to bits. I couldn't fight him - his attack was not intellectual, it was emotional, and I didn't understand. I was still wrecked though. My mask was gone.
Did he have the right? No. It was a lot more painful than it should have been. But I FELT it. I had no choice but to feel it.
The next six months were up and down. My intellectual ego was smashed, but I slowly began to realize that was a good thing. It had been trapping me. A series of things began to change me.
One was my Christmas holiday. I had been working my ass off at school, so the break was one I appreciated like never before. And I was still feeling the after effects of my bad summer. I finally had the motivation to relax completely, let everything go, and had no expectations of myself. I let it happen, and it was my most enjoyable holiday in a long time. Being with my extended family, whom Iíd known forever, put me at ease, and I rediscovered a lot about my relationships with them.
Another, roughly a month ago, was the death of my maternal grandmother. I had never lost anyone that close to me, and I allowed myself to silence my mind and realize how what my true feelings were.
And finally, thereís the girl. Iíve known her a long time. We were friends before we were teens, and we hung out like any old friends. She was shy, quiet, and reserved, but she was there and she had a good sense of humor. She started out a modest looking girl, but developed as the years went by. At some point or other, I began to suspect that she liked me, perhaps as more than just a friend. But cold me, with my screwy little ego, never explored that. I held her interest smugly in my mind, almost like a reserve, saying to myself ďwell, if I were really desperate, I could go out with her.Ē Which wasnít right.
After my fall, I began to finally ask myself if I should ask her out. The funny thing is, I almost was desperate - but there was something more. All that time, I had thought I had her ďin the bank.Ē But in the bank is nothing. It was time to try. And then finally, I did. I didnít have a set of expectations. But I went and did it anyway. And she said yes, and confirmed that she had liked me the whole time. This was an explosion within me. A whole whirlwind of feelings raced through me: fear, excitement, dread, joy, melancholy and elation. I thought in ways I had never thought before.
Our relationship is ongoing. I canít say how far itíll go, or how long itíll last. But weíve had fun together, and itís something thatíll stay with me forever. Iíve changed. Iím still the same person, and Iíll probably do some things the same as I did before, and believe a lot of what I said I believed. But now I know with my heart that I do believe it. I know now what I feel, and am struggling less over what I say. I see and understand things now that I couldn't before. The whole world in new again.
I may not be perfect, and there is much to do, but my will exists. And right now I feel a fullness within me, like I have almost never felt before. Iím confident. I realized confidence doesnít mean experience, it doesnít create laziness, it doesnít mean ego, or looks, or coolness. Itís not the mask I had. Confidence is peace with yourself.
"History is more or less bunk." - Henry Ford
It's nice to get to know you.
I guess you remind me of myself at your age: smug that I knew what categories that everything belonged into. My entelechy was set. My intellectual ducks were in order.
But what I never stopped to realize was the fact our rationing, reasoning minds are an abbheration of Nature. Our reasoning intellect is not-only counterintuitive when superimposed against our real life experiences, but it is anathema to the natural order of things.
My sister needs to have traumatic events, her life-saving operations explained and expressed in cold, intellectual terms. She needs the cold, impersonal language of medical terms to understand her situation. She can't have things explained to her as the average person might understand.
She needs medical terms.
Her "intellectual" arrogance has blinded her to the fact that she is lucky to be alive.
Logic, nor reason can explain luck.
Or your house being spared, while your neighbor's was swept-up in that tornado.
We build walls around ourselves to insulate, protect and isolate ourselves from reality, from life.
In a week, what you know, or what you think you might know can change. Given enough time, everything you know will change. It is the law of The All.
But what never changes is that you feel. You are a being with feelings, emotions and presence. That comes with the organic tissue.
To ignore nature, what is real, and what is here, is a sin. It is you trying to deny a part of yourself. It is your will trying to suppress nature. That's like trying to hold back the ocean with a teaspoon.
The best you can hope for is to feel the moment as it happens, and then let it go.
Its nice that you made that step, outside of your comfort zone, so to speak, and talked to the girl. You will never regret making that step, even if it ends in a no.
You gave into the inertia of your decision, and acted upon your feelings.
It seems to me that it's much tougher when you try to do that at my age.
I've made plenty of stupid mistakes, banking on things. In the end, it all comes down to how you handled yourself in a certain situation. I made a bunch of no decisions, and no here I am at 38, trying to grapple with those same issues, of trying to meet people, and let them in to be close, and possibly making yourself vulnerable.
There is no amount of intellection in this world, that prepares you for that, or which can take it's place.
Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag
You don't know me, seeing as how we've neve met, but we seem to have alot in common. Before I go on though, I just have got to say you have an amazing ability to use words! You should be a writer, that is if you aren't already are one. The main thing that attracted my attention to this entire website was your post on Kando. But since that was such a long time ago, I figured I would simply reply to this one instead. You see, I currently work for Kando! I'm very curious as to who your boss was... could be the same as mine. How did you like aerating? Personally, I loathe it. I can't stand goign to someones door, especially at 10:00 in the morning! Well, that's basically what I wanted to say... I have to learn the... intricacies of this website. Can I swear? Sigh, so much to do so little time. Anyways, I think I've said more than enough.
P.S Actually, I just read the posting rules. I feel so.. pressed to write properly! But oh well, that is indeed some funny stuff!
Cogito Ergo Sum, I Think, Therefore I Am
Hey, thanks for the reply (sorry for my delay, I don't have much time between working and playing lately :)). I'm not a writer professionally yet, tho I am leaning that way.
Last year there was only the one boss, Robin. He did say he planned to expand; did you work there last year? Haha, I didn't hate the aerating. :) It was bad, especially in the morning, you're right, but I found the day went quick.
As to NAO, if you have time, drop in now and then, it's a good place to write and think. You can swear (I do) but within reason and all that. :)
"History is more or less bunk." - Henry Ford