Reading Love and Lifesense

So, I'm confused. I am not really sure what to do, so I'll explain everything as best as possible, and maybe, just maybe you guys can help me figure it out.

A few quarters ago I was in a human's relation class and I met an awesome girl. She likes games, she's got a damn good sense of humour, she doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't fuck everything that moves, and she even has some artistic talent (pretty good stuff she's done). I know she's not the perfect girl, there isn't one out there. But as the book that eljefe reccomended to me (God's Debris) said, you can't find the perfect girl, only one with faults you don't mind. I can't say I care about any of her faults at all(some of them are even funny), and she's so fun to be around...

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I really fucked up when we were dating before. We ended up breaking up rather violently (not physically violently) and I still can't recall how it all happened... I just know there were factors on both our sides that really made it hard to be a couple.

Where I messed up, I am not sure, but all I know is I got to find a way to apologize and well... I dunno. It could have been me being too affectionate, wanting to hold hands, hugging, etc. It could have been me always feeling uncomfotable about having a car. I know that when we broke up I can't recall saying anything that was too mean, I remember crying, feeling hurt... and god I wish I had a chat log so I knew just what I said. I know I told her "I can't just be friends", because "that never works out for me".

To be honest being her friend is enough now. but god I feel so empty and sad everytime I hear she's going on a date with somebody else, or even somebody else she's dated. I always think in my head "What do they got that I don't?" I guess I'm a jealous person.

I guess I am at the point where I am gonna be stuck as the nice guy friend. But well... I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad to just be friend, to know she doesn't care about me as much as I do her... I was happy once I'd pushed her out of my mind, but I recently ran acrossed her again and well, we've been hanging out and the old feelings came creeping back.

At this point, I've got two options:

I can push her out of my mind and let her live on happily.
I can keep on being her friend and try and win her back through whatever kindness I can offer her.

I know I can't be just friends, though. That would hurt me so much, it'd be akin to walking around with a knife in my side. But somehow, I guess I almost enjoy the heartache? I am super confused, and right now I want to resolve this without hurting anyone, not her, not me. Not anyone.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on May 27, 2006.

You need to try. Give it your best. Or you'll hate yourself for not taking your chances, and just watching everything happening. Even if she rejects you - you'll know that now's the time to move on with your life.

"Life is a queue. You come in, hang around for a bit, get some service, then depart."

Well, I guess that is sound advice. Sound enough, anyway... the only problem is I've already told her I was still interested in her. She said she never wanted to date me again, and that it hurt her. I am still not exactly sure what I did that could have hurt her so badly. I believe I was 100% sound when we broke up, it hurt that we parted ways...

It had been two weeks since I last heard from her. Not a problem if I had a way to get in touch with her. But the real problem was it had been two weeks since a date that didn't seem to go all that well. Two weeks of wondering... well, I did something out of desperation, the one thing that might possibly reach her. She had my steam account, and I simply changed the password. I can't recall how long it took for her to pop up on MSN after I did that, but I know she definitely brought it up during that chat.

I know I had told her how I felt about "just being friends". When she had said she wanted to break up, in reality, the whole point of me wanting to talk to her was to let her know I also was not comfortable in what felt like a one sided relationship, I told her that too. Apparently she didn't believe me in that I had intentions of breaking up... and I remember us arguing over that, then she blocked me.

It was ugly, really ugly. And I know I hurt her somehow, but I wish i knew exactly what I did that pissed her off. Maybe she isn't the one for me, but I know for some reason I can't get her out of my head.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I think I am going to give it up. I don't want to hurt when she leaves, and well... since I know she's not interested in a romantic relationship, I'll go ahead and back off. A friend told me that if you are chased, you run... but if you stop and run, and they don't chase you... something's wrong in the relationship. I am going to test this, and if she doesn't pursue, I'm done with it.

I just don't have time to be wasting my heart and money on somebody who says they don't want a relationship. She's like, my best friend right now, but somehow I think even that isn't exactly true. So I'm gonna test it, and react upon it. I'd go to the ends of the earth if I knew she loved me... hell I'm still debating pursuing her blindly... but fuck... what do I do, guys? This has got me completely fucking wrenched up.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I think easing off for a while could be a good idea. not only in terms of judging how she truly feels, but also in terms of collecting your ow feelings. when you spend time apart, infatuations and crushes fade, but anything more substantial will remain. give it time and see. after a break, if you're feelings are still strong then give it another go. but it's easier said than done, isn't it. *hugs* Well, we all love you regardless.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Thanks mel, that helps.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Okay what melmel said, cool, good idea. But think of it another way. Time waits for no man, and neither does a womans heart. Shes got to know how you feel before she makes any decisions based on not knowing how you feel.

Maybe backing off is good, but it seems to me like the easy option. Maybe instead you should take the bull by the horns, do something romantic, let her know you care.

Its time to be honest with yourself, would you really settle for having her as just a friend? I know your situation, ive tried it, it rarely works. For me, its either do something now walk away. And i know that isnt what you want to hear, but often the hard path is the one that leads to the better place. Such is life.

Good luck

First off, it's good to hear from you again, simon18. I did back off a bit on one of our meetings, and it seemed to of helped, but I dunno. I don't know how to approach this... because I know I love her, but she's already said she doesn't want to date me again. I'm sure that with time she may realize I've grown up a bit, and maybe she has too... seems to have, anyway. I will keep my good friends update...

I should be ashamed of myself.

Well, this is definitely an interesting turn of events. After visiting with her for some time, and just doing the nice guy thing and hating every minute of it, our relationship has grown stronger and she is returning some of the affection... apparently we are dating again... at least that is what we've agreed upon. We are still more friends than anything, but we are very affectionate friends. I'd love to kiss her, but I don't want to press... so I'll wait until she's ready for that. It's good to know she still cares about me, though...

I should be ashamed of myself.

Good luck man!

(Heh, just wait till she sees your car :-) )

Life goes on.

Well, she knows about it, but she hasn't seen it. For some reason, my car has a super exotic feel to it... I do believe it's the red paint, and it looks freaking amazing, I tell ye'. Anyway, right now I'm battling insurance rates on the damn thing.

I should be ashamed of myself.

HI, I had the same situation! me and my X were friends for 7 months before we started to date, now the 7 months of our friendship wasn't really pretty, the first few months we hang out was great, but somwhere along the road my feelings to her grew, let's just say I fell in love with her! As soon as i relized it, i couldn't hold it in me for anylonger, so I told her that I had feelings for her and that I could no longer be her friend....... well she rejected my offer and started to ignore me for a while, so I had no choice but to move on and so i did! a month went by and she started to call me again and saying that she missed me and all and she said let's just be friends, I loved her n i tought to myself I'd rather have this person in my life as friend then not having her at all! After that everything was great till new years night lol That night I kissed her! and told her that I can't deal with the friendship BS nomore. She rejected me once more and i told myslef that was it! i even broke my cell so she wouldn't call me and bug me! two weeks went by n she found me and told me that she can't live without me and that she want's to be love of my life! We dated for year and that was the best year out of my entire life! now we had plans for out future and dreams, we loved and cared for eachother untill recently. She left me for a guy who's a co-worker of hers....... I went to her work, Humiliated with flowers and bagging her not to do this... but she still did it to me! now it's been two months since that! last friday she showed up at my house crying and feeling pretty sad about what happend, she said that she can't stop thinking about me and that she still loves me! so she and i went out had fun talked about stuff and spent a night together, she left the following morning and wrote me a message saying that I should forget about her and that she made a mistake by coming and seeing me....... now on thanksgiving day she calls me nonestop and left me 5 voice messages, that she want's to hear my voice and that she misses me lol NOW can anybody HELP me with this situation????? I have to be at work in 3hrs and it's 2 am in the morning, I can't sleeep, eat, think straight, I can't even sleep without having dreams about her! HELP plz

Ok, I have read the entire thread on this topic/dilemma. First the insult...are you people in freakin high school?!?!?!?!

Second, dude, without ALL the nasty details (and I don't think we want them anyway) there is no way to help you with only one side of a situation, but it very obviously appears from what you describe, that she is using you. She's a user. She wants things (not you), and when you deprive her of them, she gets upset. Changing the password on YOUR account that you shared with her was a hint.

As for you "testing" a relationship? Grow up man! Here is the thing, if you are standing in front of a snake, and you know the snake will bite if you poke it, do you test it by poking it with a stick? Relationships and love are the same thing, if you already understand what they are, why do you have to test it?

Third (and the reason nobody needs any details of your relationship with her), friendship is the foundation to any healthy relationship. A friendship is supposed to be the first thing developed in a relationship, and if romance grows out of the friendship, then great. if not, no big deal IF the friendship is truly important to you.

Things born out of friendship:
trust
respect
general feeling of happiness
confidant

Now if you add romance to that friendship, you have a healthy romantic relationship. If you subtract(or never add) romance to the relationship, what are you left with? Get the point? Honestly, I don't think you two are even friends, just acquaintances. At best, mild friends.

This BS about "I can't just be friends with her" is just that, BS. Even if you think you love her, coupled with the assumption you understand what love is, you can still be her friend, you can still love her, and you can still do things for her, be there for her, and show your love for her, WITHOUT her doing anything, since after all...love is your gift to her, no strings attached, hence the definition of unconditional love (no strings attached). Unless of course you think love is just a physical thing, in which case, ya...you are fucked.

If you take this information, and look at the relationship differently (with this information in mind) ask yourself, is SHE portraying any of the aspects of a friendship or romantic relationship? You see, relationships involve two people doing the same thing..."giving" to each other, giving their friendship, their respect, being trustworthy, giving their love (if its a romantic relationship). I don't see or hear about any of this in your description of the relationship.

Look dude, you are in college, an adult, act like one. Even if you are the only one acting like one. Get your priorities straight and stop dicking around with a girl who is dicking you around.

And best of luck with all you do.
Rocket

As I just noticed this situation occurred last year, and you are probably well past it now, just ignore my post all together:D

This post was edited by Rocket on Nov 29, 2007.