Reading Aynjell's journal

I've finally decided to get in shape. And thankfully, I have been super depressed lately. I suppose that deserves explanation: I've noticed that when I run I don't think about everything I'm pissed off about. I don't think about the women I want to be with, I don't think about my lacking a car, I don't think about school, work, my family, money, games I suck at, or my fucking inability to focus on something for more than a day; I think about getting past this block, and then the goal shifts to the next... and the next.

Excercising is enough to clear my mind and quiet my thoughts, and amongst other things, it's making me a better person. I notice a peace come over me when I get home, pouring with sweat... and when I start my shower to rinse the sweat from my body, it's millions of times more climactic than what I would be doing, and oddly enough, it is keeping me from doing the things I hated about myself... like looking at pornography or sitting around and not doing anything, letting my life waste by in a blur of self-loathing and sloth.

I am already addicted to the strain, the high, and the goal I hope to achieve(which is to lose 50 pounds). Strangely enough, my depression has put me into a position where filling myself with anything but water makes me feel sick... and that is simply an exponent on my excercise, making my 50 pound goal all the more realistic, so I suppose I better take advantage of this while it lasts.

Yes, this depression does coencide with that girl that I know I can't have... and running is the only thing that takes my mind off of her.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This is a very real and also, for once, explanable thought process.

My housemate studies sports science so i know a bit about these thing. Basically when you exercise your body releases a drug which makes you happy. This is natures way of saying 'your exercising, good!'. It also gives you something which everyone requires and is very primitive: a goal. A simple goal, an achievable but difficult goal. This is very important and people find it from many different sources.

I am a more motivated person when i exercise. Fact. And not exercising is losing me everything because i have no motivation, no drive. But having no motivation means i dont exercise. Its a vicious circle for me.

Agreed... for me, it's that when I run, I forget about the things that hurt. It's getting to the next block taht matters.. and I can live one block at time... just as long as it's without thinking about all the things I care to forget. That is why I run... and yes... the feeling of taking a hot shower after your run is great too.

I should be ashamed of myself.