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Jun 06, 2006 05:33 # 42948

DjangoDurango * posts about...

Skinned Deep

90% | 3

This piece of H-list horror movie crap... Saying it was "bad" does not do it justice. No, it wasn't just a bad movie. It was a bloody fucking dreadful movie. Skinned Deep, it's called. It's not the worst movie in the history of cinema, but I'd be willing to bet it's in the top three.

Upon reading the back cover, I had a pretty good idea that this wasn't going to end to my advantage, but I watched it anyway. I mean, how can you not after being introduced to characters such as Mama, Brain, and the Surgeon General? So into the DVD player it went.

I'd say the biggest problem with this movie is the script. As a writer, I sat watching this movie in awe. I was completely amazed at the number of crossed plots they crammed into this bitch. It felt like being in one of those really shitty relationships were you just get jerked around. No one did anything according to character and shit happened that had nothing to do with anything.

I going to get what could be considered spoilerish in order to explain just why this movie fails, but honestly, I can't see why one would want to see this movie except to verify that it is just as awful as I claim it is.

It starts with this chick Tina and her family going to Mama's house for dinner when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Basic starting point for a horror flick, right? Fine. Now there's crazy shit all over the house, yet no one but Tina thinks anything of it. Still okay, so far as crappy horror goes. Skip ahead, skip ahead, everyone but Tina gets slaughtered by the Surgeon General (who appaears to be some sort of cyborg... thing, he looked like a corpse with goggles for eyes and had robot vision during the first chase scene) and Plates, a midget who throws plates as his means of death-dealing (played by the guy who played Professor Flitwick in the Harry Potter movies, how the fuck he got wrangled into this shitbox of a movie is beyond me). But Brain (who, of course, has a bulbous brain shaped cranium) wants to keep her as his girlfriend. He's the sensitive type. Okay then, you're stretchin' my suspension of belief, but I'll play a little longer.

So after some more gross-out horror shit (including a rather needless "puke on the camera lense from coming across your dead father's corpse" shot), the whole movie shifts into this little Stockholm Syndrome love connection between Tina and Brain. They go to the park for a picnic amid frisbee players and people playing with their dogs and all that happy crappy. They have some "I'm too ugly to be seen in public/Oh, come now the world will accept you for who you are" tender moments. Which would still be okay, lame but okay, if they weren't sitting in the MIDDLE OF A CROWDED PARK. Then we cut to a scene of Brain running naked through a city for no apparent reason at all. When we get done with that, they have another exchange the involves something about how the Creator wouldn't approve of something or other. I was in such a state of shock at the craptasticity of the film by this point that I lost my focus here.

Now at this point, I'm sitting there, dumbfounded, completely and totally amazed that such a movie were able to be made. Already it's been ruined beyond redemption. But I keep watching anyway. I have to know if this train wreck of a movie is, as I suspect, careening down the tracks towards a cliff and into a massive, hippy-rioting oil spill of a suckfest.

So we join our freaky friends the next day. the Surgeon General and Mama burst into the room they keep Tina in and force her into a wedding dress. Yeah, I kinda saw that one coming. What I didn't expect was for them to strap her to the front of their truck while they go mow down some random drunken guys in another truck. To what end this serves, I haven't the damnedest, as they proceed to untie her and let her kill the last of the guys by pouring sand down his throat. I assume it was supposed to be some sort of hazing ritual to make her like them, as Brain was in the back screamed "No! You're ruining her!" Which was stupid because he was driving the car during the whole scene and had appeared to be prepared for what we can loosely call a ceremony. Surely, he'd been familiar with the process.

But let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was betrayed or something. He goes to visit Tina in her room later that night after she been "initiated". There's an exchange bewtween them, wherein he sweetly apologizes for all that's happened to her and she pretends to being trying to seduce him. Then all the sudden, she plunges her hand into the back of his head and kills him. What the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? She just told him the day before that he had a chance at being normal. Maybe this is part of her being in the group now?

Nope, suddenly she's back to normal and trying to escape (which she could've easily done during their picnic, I might add. Brain wasn't being all that watchful.) So as she's stumbling about the house, she comes across the obligatory Secret Room. And what does she find in there? The usual lab experiments and fetuses in jars, yes, but also a headless bodybuilder, wearing nothing but a loincloth that reads DYNOMITE and flexing his oiled muscles. This, friends and neighbors, is The Creator. Out of nowhere our heroine now has the greasy statue that assumedly created Mama, Brain, and the Surgeon General. I fucking wish I was making this up.

Then Mama walks in and hooks herself up to a machine that, I assume, sucks the blood out of dead bodies and puts it in hers. Tina pinches the tubes and screams some bullshit about them not giving Brain a chance to be good (wasn't she the cunt that killed him... for no reason and without provocation?) Just as she's finishing off Mama, the Surgeon general busts in and tries to do her in, but lucky for Tina, there's a conveniently placed electrical box for him to fall into.

With good old SG out of the way, Tina proceeds to smash everything in the room, which (again without reasonable explaination) hurts the Creator. Go fucking figure. But it seems Surgeon is still alive, despite being hit with high voltage (of course). So what does Tina do? She removes part of the Creator's loincloth. And what does she find? His naughty bits? NO! She finds fucking dynamite! His loincloth says DYNOMITE and that's what's underneath it. I sat, stunned at the simplicity and stupidity of it all.

So she leaves some TNT with the Creator and the rest with Surgeon, sets the timer, and runs away, getting out of the hosue safely.

But Surgeon's not out for the count just yet! He gets up, dynomite and all, and chases after her. Thirty seconds pass, the dynomite explodes, along with the house. Killing Surgeon? Fuck no, he's a horror movie monster, dammit! You can't take him out with just a couple pussified pieces of dynomite! But you can kill him by running him over with a motorcycle, at least according to this cinematic holocaust. With no prior prompting (seems to be a thing with this movie, huh?) Tina has a flashback with her family in which they all insist that she forgive Surgeon General for trying to kill her and let him live. But luckily (for once) common sense reigns supreme and she kills him anyway.

And thus ends the crappiest film I've seen in my time. I think only Gigli and KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park could beat this piece of twatrot for the Pure Shittiness Award.

If ever there was an argument for sittin' down and shuttin' up, Henry Harrison is it.

This post was edited by DjangoDurango on Jun 06, 2006.

Mar 23, 2008 00:51 # 45605

harold_maude *** replies...

Re: Skinned Deep

?% | 1

This sounds like a canidate for the worst movie catagory. I have one that we can add to that, it's called "Hallows End". The cover was cool so I got it thinking it will be a nice addition to my collection of halloween movies.
I've got cheesy movies as well as some rather decient ones, like "Sleepy Hallow" and Rob Zombies "Halloween", that kind of thing, we even have a copy of "The Omen" and a few copies of "Carnival of Horrors" and others.

This movie, "Hallows End" was so bad that we only watched it once. It's porn without the porn, that's how bad this thing is.
We tried unsuccessfully several times to get rid of it, but it kept showing up again.
I finally put it out of it's misery, and killed the dvd.

It wasn't good enough to be on any B-movie list, it was just plain crap.
After your disection of "Skinned Deep", I won't spend time or money taking a look at something that isn't worth it.

Thanks for the review!


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