Reading simon18's journal

And I miss it so much, knowing who I am, what I love. I feel like ive let so many people down. I feel ive disappointed her, im not the man she though I was. Was I ever worthy of that love. Or am I one big lie that spreads and corrupts. Maybe she couldn’t be corrupted, so shes breaking free.

Why is it always the same. Why doesn’t nobody else go through this. Such agonising pain I cant bring myself to open my eye, so many tears and I don’t know why, I haven’t heard of this kind of pain. So much more than physical, everything is so pointless. Love becomes meaningless when yuove lost that one you thought was it and you always believe. So everytime you feel like more of a fool, always beleivoing in love strangely for what its done to you, like being addicted to something that so clearly destroys you every time you take it.

Love is something cruel and vicious that attacks me, to destroy me from within. And as I roll on the floor tears streaming down my face, unable to contain the pain. I know no release. For I don’t believe anyone else feels this pain.

How to tell her, to make her see, I wish somehow she knew.

This is me, as I struggle to look up away from whats consuming my private time, the mourning again. And why is it so severe. So unbelievably severe. Is this the worst ive had I wonder. No, there was a past… that was worst, but I know this is the first wave, Im scared of whats coming. Im scared of what it might do to me. What happens to a person that gets pushed too far.

I just need to believe that people have been here before me. I must try and believe that. But I don’t. How could they have. Not this much pain.

Its crazy. The great and the mighty, can all be felled by a broken heart. Theres no arguing with it, just the true acceptance its over and the absolute knowledge that you cant deal with that. I know im in over my head.. Its too much this time.

I think that love is a fractal.
Simply by hearing the sound of the word, it sturs emotion. By talking about it, by expressing your own personal vision of that pattern, that emotion, we all feel a glimpse of that emotion, even if we've only had the smallest part of it.

Most humans can feel that pain that comes with rolling on the floor, thinking about the hers or hims that we care deeply about; those we've lost. Those that we stare at speechless, and can't say what we truly think and feel.

Love is the opposite to thinking clearly. Love is being emotional about that person. Love makes no mental semse, but it satisfies our heart and soul. Love is what perpetuates life.

I've said before that in the end analysis, it may not matter our great deeds, or extravagant dooings, but how deeply we've loved. In the end, it may only matter that we did love.

So if it hurts now, move through it, and feel it. Let it consume you. When you get older, jaded, more "worldly," more "grown-up", you're expected to not be moved by these silly emotions. You're expected to be adult and hide the feelings and pain.

Drink deeply of your hurt.
It is fleeting, and will not last.
Maturity, age, society sees to that.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second

This post was edited by zen on Jul 14, 2006.