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A few months ago, I met a man, someone with whom I shared what was seemingly an instant connection. We spent several weeks getting to know each other....lengthy telephone calls every evening (hours on end) as well as instant messaging each other daily. I am a divorced mother of two young children, ages 5 and 2. He told me he was a divorced father of two, and we shared stories and pictures of our children, although neither of us introduced our kids to each other. We had discussed it, and felt it was forthcoming. Bottom line, over the months, we grew very very close, and were so well suited for each other, it was scary. I was experiencing emotions for another I never had before, and he let me know that he was too. We were both scared of it, but exhilirated by it at the same time....it was very intense.
Then the bombshell. Two weeks ago, I learned that this wonderful, beautiful and amazing man was....married. He had claimed to be divorced for three years, but apparently nobody thought to tell his wife of 16 years that little nugget of "fact". I was heartbroken, and I confronted him. He came to my home that evening, after my children were in bed, with tears in his eyes, and told me, of course, how his marriage was a sham, that they weren't in love, that he wanted to leave her, but wasn't sure he could do that to his children. Then he told me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. I never intended to be "the other woman" in anyone's life. I heard him out, and for the next week he engaged in a campaign to win me over. Constant emails and phone calls just to tell me how much he loved me, making plans for our future, etc. I am ashamed to say that I bought into it. Then, unfortunately, his wife and children discovered the affair. Suddenly I went from the love of his life to his greatest mistake.
He called me, with his family present, and told me that there could be no further contact whatsoever, etc. etc. I agreed. Two days later, I rec'd an email from him, followed up with him calling me to discuss this. We talked for an hour and a half. I felt I hadn't rec'd answers to the questions i asked, but I was seeing no other choice but to steer clear of him. Another two days passed without communication, and he emailed me. Of course, I responded. I tried not to, but I couldn't do it. I have no interest in trying to get this man away from his family, and he has been the one initiating the contact...ironically saying "it would kill her and she'd leave me if she knew I was talking to you like this" but yet, he still does. He claims to have rediscovered his love for her, and is going to do what it takes to work it out with her, for the sake of their beautiful children. Yet still telling me he does love me, and that he's available via email.
I'm not a stupid woman, for the most part. I know he's full of it, and I know that he's merely trying to maintain contact in case he needs a safety net. However, my feelings for him were and are very real, and I need some help getting through this. It is unbearable for me to have lost him, even though he lied. The things that drew me to him are fundamentally still there, in spite of the lies and decpetions.
How do I get through this? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I've been prescribed Xanax so that I can function for my children. This is no way to live, and no example for them. But I just can't seem to get through the anger and the loss and the pain. Please, can you or someone out there tell me what to do to shake this?
Thanks for your time.
Ignore the idiot above.
Love can do crazy things to people, you cant control it you cant try to steer it, it just happens. Love is like throwing a stone into a lake, you cant stop the ripples that go out afterwards.
Its so unfortunate what happened to you. Try not to blame him greatly, he was as much a victim of emotions as you are.
Balancing the influence between the the head and the heart is difficult, i would advise trying to form a decision based on a balance between the two.
Damn, i took in riddles. Sorry but this is all i have, i hope theres some thoughts here of use to you.
Men can be real shitty, to tell the truth. I was involved (for a short time) with a woman who was going out with a man for a few years before he told her that he was married. I was there, and I agreed with her that I thought it was fucked up. It took him 4 years to tell her that he was married. WOW!! She chose to stay with him, despite that.
I think that there should be a "dating application". On this app. there should be a space for PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. Said perspectives would put their previous relationships, including current marriages. Just like on the employment app., if s/he lies, it should be know up front, that is grounds for immediate disqualification from further contact.
I, noone, can heal the hurt that already been done. However, let me say that you're not alone.
Obviously, it seems that you were, yet weren't, destined for each other. I don't fault you, him, or her, for this mess. The fact is, we can be attracted to more than one person, and as Nature is my guide, we should be allowed to pursue "others" in our lovelives.
It's this even-more-shitty society where we have to choose Column A, OR Column B for-the-rest-of-our-lives that really holds that blame for your hurt.
Honestly, that is unnatural. Nature would allow both you women to have him, in some capacity. Forget Nature. Here we are. If you want to live within society's rules, you have to make a decision.
Noone can say he's not for you. However, he sounds like a, pardon the expression, chickenshit dude, for the way he handled this whole thing. For that alone, you should drop him. But that doesn't help your mental state.
I think the only thing that'll help the mental variable in this equation is for you to find someone else that can make you purr just as much as he did. Believe me, they're out there.
The only problem being that it might not be a man who does it for you.
Once Fred Neitszche declared God is Dead, f*ck became the most important word in the English languag
This post was edited by zen on Jul 14, 2006.