Reading Bunk's journal

A friend of mine is having a tough time. The girl he wants is an eternal mystery. He doesn't understand why they went back to being just friends ("friends with feelings", he called it).

They were 17 when they first were together. He remembers clearly. Did he ever forget her? I doubt it.

I for one was oblivious. We were friends then, and I had met her, but somehow I never knew they were an item. I wonder now how I would have felt. You see, I had a crush on her for a while. But she, in my mind, had an untouchable quality about her. I had just met her, she didn't know me, yet she knew everyone else. How could I talk to her, me, an outsider? She was so beautiful, I couldn't imagine her as shy, quiet, withdrawn a bit, a bit of a loner. She had to be a party girl, popular with boys lined up down the block.

I was wrong. Yeah, she partied, she drank. But play my cards right, and I might have been there. I wasn't so far from the crowd as I thought. Stupid me, I never even talked to her until 2 years later. She's nice. She's an artist, but a shy one. She's quiet by her own admission, nervous and unsure sometimes. A human being, for christ's sake; albeit still a beautiful and talented one.

I can't pretend to fully understand the relationship she had with my friend, only being present and aware for round two. But it's not like she found someone new. Which is what I guess makes it so hard to understand why it ended again. They still talk, and yet his frustration mounts, because he wants more.

But instead it's back to the old story of the in between time. He has plenty of female friends, because he's smart and outgoing, but none of them are romantic relationships. But what does she want? Someday she's going to make something of her art. Someday she's going to switch to a full-time program at the university (instead of dallying in part-time as she has done for 3 straight years). Well, I've one upped her there, but then what is a general BA in arts going to do for me?

It seems like we're all just going with the flow at school right now, which is odd. We're all smart, we all have our own unique talents. But where's the focus? Where's the ambition? The need, the drive, the singular goal? With so many options, how could anyone pick just one?

Some time ago, my friend and I saw a show by an obscure (and now disbanded) band called The Dymaxions. They played energetic, complex, and amazingly catchy songs. At one point they surprised me by saying "Here's another song about being sad and lonely."

It wasn't until I listened to their recordings that I caught the lyrics: quirky and genius, but ultimately carrying themes of longing and searching and wanting. Members of The Dymaxions all had many past bands that had broken up. Why was it that they couldn't stick to being The Dymaxions?

But I can't find no place or nothin', where thrills are cheap, and love is divine

This post was edited by Bunk on Nov 27, 2006.