Reading MelMel's journal

So it's god knows how long since my last post, things have just been happening, and i've been having trouble writing lately.

I suppose things have been ok and all, i'm still very depressed most of the time and hate life when im not in the theatre, but i'm coping ok. I've dropped out of uni to do more theatre, which is probably the best decision of my life. On the downside, the more theatre i do the more i realise just how unqualified i am as a tech. But im young, i'll learn in time. You all know me, im a bit of a perfectionist, and i like to do well.

Things that have been getting me down lately...

Well my life is a bit directionless, i'm not working very regularly, and i have no idea where i want to go with any aspect of my life, which isn't always a problem, but lately i've been wanting answers to things more and more.

Also, i've been dropping friends like flies over the past few months. I keep in touch with very few people, and when i'm down it often feels as if there's nobody to call, nobody who would answer, listen and understand. I'm just too afraid of opening myself up to people, still. I havnt even been able to write lately, here or anywhere else for that matter. Sometimes it seems like if i say it, or write it, it'll become more real and harder to manage and ignore.

Im sick of being so disgusted with myself physically as well. Looking in the mirror makes me feel ill and so angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I've joined a gym, a decision i feel good about, despite the fact that it costs so much.

Lonliness is a bitch too. Sometimes it seems like i'm destined to live alone with 87 cats and a rocking chair on my front my porch. I've always thought i was just unwantable. That nobody could ever find me atractive. Thankfully recent days have proved me worng on this front which is a little ripple of hope flowing through my thoughts right now. But theres so many reasons why this shouldnt work out that im avoiding thinking about all that and trying to just enjoy the moments. But firstly theres a substantial age gap, every other little thing i can talk away, but im choosing to ignore this one.

So i dont know where this is all going, but suffice to say that despite all the shit around me, today i feel like i can wake up in the morning and get ready to face the world, regardless of how much i might dislike it.

-Melmel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!