Reading ginsterbusch's journal

.. erm no.

incorrect.

THIS sucks (copy + paste right out of here):

[17.12.2003] WIshlist for Christmas

I wish my mother would die. I really do. There's too much hatred between us.
She, who does change everything I say into her own truth, ALWAYS making me look stupid, always mixing up things together WHO simply CANNOT be mixed together, and making up out of all of this her own tiny, totally irrealistic world. Of course, she is ALWAYS right, anybody else is just stupid/doesnt know enought/psychotic and has to go to a therapist.

And of course, it's totally correct and HER absolute birthright to say the worst words to her children, cursing them, and then afterwards, after coming down, acting as if NOTHING AT ALL did happen - not saying she was sorry that she said those word, NEVER EVER!

My current theory is: if there's no-one else there she can let her frustrations out, it's just sombody like me walking by she gonna hit with her anger - well, it would DO help a lot if she woudl, even with only the faintest hint, admit it. But NO, we are ALWAYS Mrs. Right-All-Others-Are-Wrong X-(

I've told this everybody who is part of my nearer family - and they even didnt believe me till two or three years ago, wehn even THESE people finally realized my mother seems to be kind of a psychopatic monster...

... if it was about therapy, I would be VERY glad to help her - but she never ever went to a therapist - even when my father once tried out this family therapy-thingy after he did marry again, especially for his new wife and stepdaughter - still, my mother of course had NO problems and therapy is for mentally-ill people only ... sure. Only people who need serious help would go to a therapist on their own free will, yeah, certainly. }:->

God, I just cant fucking stand this woman anymore - I cant believe she really is my natural mother! One who would leave her brain at the kitchen sink to make everyone get angry or plainly disappointed and frustrated about her.

I simply dont know what to do anymore - I've fought this terrible, brain-dead, sickening "discussions" out with her since I first decided to come more often to her home, which is a bit more to Munich, than my father's house is (WAY more). Thats about 4, 5 years or so now. And I dont see any kind of way to get out of this worsening situation in the next 2-3 months! 8-o

So what did happen this time: today she told me I HAD to ask the boss of the company I work for/do a practical training whenever he would want to make a education contract (Ausbildungsvertrag) with me - whilst I neither was in the mood of talking about this nor did she know ANYTHIGN about whats going on ... and then, all in a sudden, it was once again all about her, NOT me - I told her then (first politely, later more rude) that I didnt want to speak to her anymore about such things, because she always is in the mood of argueing about such things, of course because she knows it all better, has more experience, blablablacrapshitbla...

I didnt tell her the real thing - that I came late for about 2-3 weeks - and the folks at the company gave me a last chance to solve this problem by longing my practical training for one month (till end of january), because I know her too well: she would say she KNEW IT before, make me all look bad, and then I of course would react worse, getting steaming of hot red anger, etc. etc. Its allways this way, so I didnt start with this - I'Ve tried many times, but I nowadays cant trust her anymore: one time, she is calm and tries to help, next time, she acts neurotic or even psychotic about ANYTHING - so its no use. I simply aint got the power anymore to fight this .. sorry, but I'm nobody's punching-ball.

cu all, w0lf.

Fuck off the 30 seconds posting limit!

I'm guessing from this post you are hurt and pissed and I think a bit of scared/betrayed by the actions and words of your mother. Mothers are parents and supposed to be nurturing and rational at all times.

I have no real clue how to help you.

I will just say what I've done. A long time ago....I decided to pick and choose the people I consistently have around me. I gathered them like fine wines...people who always make me stretch to stay up with them. Something in them nurtured me also.

You can love a parent, respect them..but you don't have to have them be your ideal.

The other side of that coin...is the dime stops on your doorstep. Your successes and failures are your responsibility...and you will grow.

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

I feel your pain. I too have a mother who is negative and turns everthing around so she is the victim and I am the evil child.

My mother has become a negative, pessimistic depressing person, but according to her, that is the "vibes" she gets from me. 'It's your husbands fault I'm like that." No, I'm fine until I visit her.

We don't talk about things anymore. I come over everyday for lunch. If I ask how she's doing she says "How do you think?" So why ask.

I think my dad died when he did because he wanted to, to get away from her!

I almost did get my wish of my mother dying this summer. She had surger at the university hospital in the state we live in and she was in ICU for 5 days. She got real bad when she was in there and they had an oxygen mask on her. She tried to take it off and get out of bed(she had angioplasty on her legs and was to stay in bed). I said loudly "Mom, you can't get out of bed!" To subtly get the nurses attention. My mother gave me the look of death. She had such hate in her eyes. She was bitter almost thru the rest of her stay at the hospital and claims she doesn't remember doing that. I had wished so hard for her to die that day and end my pain.

Right now, I don't care if I get out of bed on Thanksgiving Day. I wanted to have Thanksgiving at my house, but she blew a gasket and claimed I'm taking everything away from her. "I won't be around next year you can do it then" she claims. She's never cared for my husband and says he doesn't like her. It's not that she doesn't like her, it's that he doesn't like how she treats me. I get the same mental abuse.

Perhaps we can send them both on a slow boat to China.

I'm sorry to say that I'm glad to see your posting, but now at least I don't feel so alone in my thoughts. I'm not the only one that has this problem. Nor are you.
Good luck, I hope your situation gets better.