Reading k9lionheart's journal

Yeah just to let everyone know right off the bat to whoever bothers to read this, I almost never write journels of anykind. So don't blame me if this sounds cheesy or even stupid, but I just gotta get it out or I'm going to go insane.

Lately life has really sucked ass. Basically because of two parts, a: I'm extremly worried about my future and b: I am extremly lonely.

I am going to admit it right off the bat, I am not very good at a lot of things. There are only two things I am good at. History and Philosphy. Talk about two versitile subjects. From what I have researched there is absolutely nothing I can do with those two subjects in my life but teach them. I don't want to teach, I have done it before, teaching kids first aid, and I do not want to do that for the rest of my life. I mean I can do it, but I won't be happy. I wil basically just feel like I am passing along information that can only be used to get a job teaching. Plus I don't want to teach a buncha kids who don't want to learn, and this is what I'm seeing with most of the people I am surrounded by, and I don't expect the generation next to me to be any better. My other option is to go to law school. This is actually what I am aiming for, but just trying to get in is intimidating enough. I have to keep my grades up to at least a 3.5 gpa, and while I am exceding that expectation currently, just the pressure of it is enough to keep me awake at night. I will also have to take the dreaded LSAT. I have done my research and most law schools take that test more serriously then my grades. I am preparing myself by reading books on it, and practicing problems, but I know that when the time comes when I take that test, its going to hit me that this is my only chance. You can take it again but they average your scores together. If I don't do well enough on it, then I will be forced to spend my life teaching for a living. What else can you do with a bachelors degree in history? I guess that knowlege is always on my mind and I suppose I'm just worried that if I don't do well enough to get into law school then I will have wasted much of my time. People keep telling me I am going to do great things with my life, but thats all they say, and that irritates me. I want to know what I am going to do thats so great. I wish someone could tell me because quite frankly, I don't even know where I'm heading, and I feel about as lost as someone in the middle of a huge desert, without a compass. Everyone in my family is going to be successful or already is successful. My brother graduated from ga tech and has a great job. My little sister, has the potential to be a great artist or anything she wants since she makes better grades then anyone I know. My little brother, has so many skills and is so good at anything he does, that I can easily see him being anything from an engineer to a lawyer. I just wish I had that. I wish I can see exactly where I'm going or what I can do. I'm just worried I'm going to end up becoming a dissappointment, or someone who just doesn't make it in life.

I am also a very lonely person. Being a shy person is not easy. I don't have that many friends, and I have even less friends that I can see everyday. I don't mean the people who just say they are your friends, but the people who really act like it. who want to do stuff, and have fun. If anyone asks, yes I am a nerd. I like my video games, I like reading historical books, and I like watching movies. I don't like sports, I don't like organized religion, I don't like putting others down, and I don't like excluding people. My point is, nobody likes the nerds. There is also the women issue. I don't know whether its just the girls in the south or girls in general, but I try to be nice to them, I try to hang out with them, but I feel like I am just there and nobody notices me. They see me, they pass me, they ignore me. I don't talk because I am afraid I will say something stupid, mainly because most of the time when I do say something it ends up being stupid. Now this may sound really sappy and I honnestly can't believe i am writting this on a public forum, but what I really want is a relationship. I go around my campus and I see guys and girls holding hands, sometimes kissing and stuff and I just want that. I want to be with someone who really loves me. It just seems that everyone out there has someone, but I am left behind. Its not like I haven't tried. I have tried asking several girls out this week alone, and guess what? all of them ditched me. I was supposed to go to a party with one, she never showed up and never called or asked me why? I was supposed to meet a girl at a bar one time, I walked there and waited for about an hour and she never showed, never called, or anything. When I get in touch with these girls afterwards, they never give a reason for why they couldn't make it. all they say is "sorry". I'm just fucking sick of that. Then there are the girls who try to lead you on. I have met several girls that I easily talk to and wish I could go out with them, but suddenly at the point where I feel hope that my loneliness is ending and I start to ask her out, she suddenly states, "oh I gotta run, I'm meeting my boyfriend in a few minutes", I mean what the fuck is up with that? Then they say we can just be friends. Thats all fine and good, but when thats all you ever hear, it can just make one feel desolate. I know I sound like a sissy right now, but I'm at my breaking point and I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being the friendly guy who finishes up last. I'm sick of opening up to people just to have my heart smashed into a thousand pieces. I don't want a friend, I don't want a confident, all I want is a girl that loves me. Everyone else I know has it, why can't I have it?

Well I'm done now, and basically all I want to conclude from this is I am not happy. In fact I am argueablly probably the most sad person right now. I can't tell the difference between staying in my dorm, or going out. I feel ignored when I'm around people so I might as well just stay by myself. Oh well. I only have about 60 more years or so to live and then I'll be dead and hopefully loneliness won't be a problem anymore.

a very sad and lonely,
k9lionheart

Brother... You are not alone. For whatever its worth out there... I hear you. As a 22 year old guy with a kind of similar situation, I can tell you this:

I am far from average, and I do not fit into most of society's molds of today... At the same time I am far from a loner... I have lots of friends, but most of them are ones that aren't idiots, because they can appreciate the fact that I can think for myself in my own way. I am a very nice guy that has respect for people that give it to me, but at the same time, far from a push over or a 'door mat'. You have a 4 year degree... That is a great accomplishment. There are plenty of people in this world that don't have the opportunity to even go to college because of poverty, or situations, etc... There are plenty of people that do have the opportunities and rich parents, and still blow it and don't finish. The point is... you got that out of the way, and now you can take the next however many years you want to DO WHAT YOU WANT. Don't let ANYONE tell you that you need to make X amount of money, or do a certain job just because you have a degree in it. The bachelor’s degree is good for anything because if the person hiring you isn't retarded, they will recognize the fact that having that degree means that you have a mind that is able to learn. If they don't recognize that, then you don't want to work for anyone with their stupid mentality anyway. College degrees don't make someone good at a job (nor do they get you a job, they just get you an interview most of the time). They just say that a person can, and has learned something in the past, and can probably do it again. One of modern societies saddest misconceptions is that having a degree will automatically make you rich, or at least well off. Well guess what. A snake, or a liar, or someone that knows how to work the system, college degree or not, will always be the best off when it comes to money. But that won’t change the fact that they are a liar, and a POS. And they always will be, up until their dying day when they have to look in the 'real' mirror. A union Janitor makes like 50K a year. Nothing against janitors at all, but their are a lot of jobs you can do that pay well if money is all that you want. I am an IT support analyst, and I make less than 2/3's of that, and my job is stressful. There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with people that never understand the inner workings of anything, and assume that if something doesn't work, than it’s the customer service person's fault. People are stupid. You should be thankful that you are smarter than them to begin with. There is also nothing more stressful than coming from a life where you never see the sunlight because you are always in a life force sucking white collar office. But only for now. Point is, most people aren't happy with their job. Most people that are awake anyway. Some people can fool themselves and pretend to be, and they actually believe themselves, but that’s a whole other issue. I'd rather see the truth than try to live in a smoke screen. I eventually want to be a Pilot. That way I can see the world, and my 'office' will have a better view than anyone’s. Not to mention, being in control of something that can fly is one of the most rewarding things in the world to me. So there is my dream. You need a goal for yourself. Don't just stay satisfied with a 'job' because it is realistic, or what you have a degree in. Have a dream, and go for it. You like history? Than be an archeologist. That is very adventurous and seems like an awesome way to stimulate your passion. And you won't have to deal with people that DON'T want to learn, and are just there because they have to be. You will be around people that are their because they WANT to be, and they will be just like you. Fuck everyone else. If they want to drink their lives away, and be typical drones, then let them! You will win in the end.

As far as girls go:
American girls are stupid. They are wrapped up in red tape; they are easily manipulated, easily taken advantage of, and easily played. They like to hear what they want to hear, and when they hear what they want to hear (not the truth), then they open their legs for the scum bag guy that knows how to tell them what they want to hear. When I say easily manipulated, etc... I mean that only by a liar or a player by nature (or by past experience because a girl screwed them over in the past, so they are now jaded). For an honest person, lying isn't in the nature, so you can't sit there and tell a girl what she 'wants' to hear, therefore she wont open her legs for you... Rather she will try to use you for moral support, while the scum bag gets all the good stuff (sex, companionship, etc). Do a Google search for 'Nice Guys Finish Last'. There is a very good article out there that describes this concept in much better detail. But hopefully you get the point. You don't want a girl like this anyway. They are as much trash as are the guys that get to screw them. And they always will be. You want a girl that can think for herself, and not wrapped up in red tape (from being screwed 1000 times by 1000 guys that all told them the exact same lie that they keep falling for because they are stupid) Talk about door mat. If a girl says it’s because they don't want a doormat that just means they are one themselves. Keep walking; she doesn't deserve your time. In fact, she should feel obliged that you even acknowledged her existence. Rule of thumb: The average young American girl is a piece of shit until proven otherwise. Most of them are a reflection of pop culture, and only listen to, or do what is 'hip'. Today’s America that means pretending to be ghetto, or listening to ghetto no talent music, and trying to dance like a ghetto person, and living the life of a ghetto person. (Getting knocked up, illegitimate bastard kids, drugs, cheating on people and saying its ok, etc)

My friend you are an amazing person and all you have to do is realize that. The fact that you can post this online tells me that you have the ability to stand up and not give a shit what people will say or think. You just have to apply it to your every day life. Most people that will judge it (or try to make fun of you for being a 'loser) are retarded drones of society anyway. They are the losers. Not you. You are smarter than them, and going out and drinking and getting fucked up and sleeping with anyone isn't your style. It's theirs. Don't make your priority trying to find some girl. She will come when the time is right. She will come when you do what you love regardless. You will learn to not be lonely even if you are alone. A girl that doesn't give you the time doesn't deserve you. She'd rather get cheated on, and beat up by a scum bag. Do what you love, and don't dwell on what other people have. Look at what you have. You are smart, your life is just beginning, and you finished college. Congratulations. Be confident and next time that girl talks to you. Look right thru her, and if you see hollow, smile and ignore her. Because you know how her 'type' operates. And you aren't interested in that anyway.

Good luck man. Stand up and take this world a small step at a time.

FUCK AVERAGE SOCIETY

This post was edited by Da007 on Oct 03, 2006.

Thanks a lot man. I'm just going through sorta rough time at the moment, and I appreciate the support. I'm into history but I have a strong urge to go into law. I haven't yet graduate from college yet. I still have two more years to go, but sometimes you just think of these things. I feel very strongly toward civil law, and one day I would like to become a lawyer with that speciality. I'm pretty sure I will be doing something I love. While Idealy I would be making a lot of money being a lawyer, my goal is to set up my own practice and make good attorneys available to those who have limited income. I honnestly don't see equal justice when certain people can get away with certain things, just because they can afford a good attorney, and others can't even get a lighter sentence. Its a long ways away until I reach that dream but I am setting it as a goal for myself and one day I hope to accomplish it.

As for the women problems. I can't agree with you more. In the past 3 weeks I have asked 7 girls to go out (just to do something fun as friends for the most part) and every one of them either said no, said maybe, backed out at the last minute, or just plain didn't show up when I told them I would meet them somewhere. I am from America but unlike most Americans that you have described so well, I am not one to follow the pop culture. I appreciate and enjoy my independence and freedom to think outside the cultural, social, and policital norms of my society, and I honnestly think its sad that a lot of Americans still have to depend on a certain groups way of thinking and can't just think for themselves. I will readily admit your right about the girls around here. Its just frustrating when you feel that you are surrounded by these types of girls and that there just insn't anyone different that you can see. I will try to take your advice and not focus on that issue too much.

Thanks again for responding to my journel. I appreciate the support.

Well, a tip on the girls...

They love confidence. That's what they want to see. A girl wants a guy which feels sure of himself. In my opinion, the source is always that of evolution. The girl wants a father figure who knows what to do in times of danger and can juggle around a couple kids. Of course, her mind does not allow herself to think that this is what she wants, but these are the traits which women want in a mate.

You've just got to put on a show for them. Next time you see a girl you like, put on a smile and act very happy to see her. Seem interested in what she's up to lately, and don't talk to much about yourself if she asks you what you're up to (especially if you think she's in a hurry). Be flirtatious with her and compliment her about something in a way that implies that you think she's pretty (for example, "Did you do something special with your hair? I don't know why, but you're quite stunning with your hair like that.").

Keep this up for a few weeks, and ask her to the movies some time like it were no big thing and she'll say yes (but don't seem uninterested at the same time) if she's not dating anyone. If she's dating someone, what have you lost? You've only gained a friend, and odds are she's got girl friends of her own. Just come across as a collect confident guy, and you won't have any trouble with the ladies.

If the world should blow itself up,the last audible voice would be an expert saying it can't be done