Reading Orchid's journal

Hmm... Tomorrow it's a week after one of my biggest failing. I know that sounds pathetic but that moment my world collapsed a little bit. I can't remember failing any test in life before. I graduated, I finished journalist school with a very good mark and I even managed the driver's licence the first time I took it! If you'd ask null he'd say he can't believe that or he'd say something he usually says about black number plates ;) Anyway, in sports it looked way different. I am something like out of form nobody would believe. In Yoga, even 80 years old grannies are more flexible than me. Hell, I am so not made for sports. Nevertheless I started Karate 10 years ago (when I was fitter and thinner) and made it till 3rd kyu (there are 10 kyu, from 10 to 1 and then several dan from 1 till 9 or so). I already failed one test, the one for 4th kyu. And last thursday, after exercising a whole lot (for me) for over half a year, I wanted to achieve the brown belt finally. I don't know what went wrong, maybe everything from condition till technique, but I failed. And it's still hard from me to write it down, even on a platform of so many people. The ones who know how rudimentary my self-conciousness is, maybe slightly understand when I felt standing there as the only one who failed the test. After months of abandonment (because a 100 percent job and 3-4 times of training per week didn't leave me much free-time) I could nothing but break out in tears. I was so depressed, angry and willing to never come back to the dojo. And I asked myself if I made myself too nervous before. This was so important for me that I was a wreck days before. Anyway, it's over and people did a lot of set up-work for me. That I shouldn't give up now that I had the form (which form??), that life goes on, that they love my despite of this and that they's still love me if I go on and exercise another half year. Yesterday we had a little Advent celebration with the club and I didn't feel very good about joining it but went there together with another girl from the club. Then the others cared so much I was really overwhelmed. They gave me a feeling of family and I learned stories from other breakdowns, failing, obstacles and almost-forsakens I had no idea of. I felt much better yesterday and don't think I am a total loser in every point of life just because of this one sad failing anymore. Well the magical word that's saying it now is ganbatte! It's another hard and stoney way and I am still as anxious as can be but I'll give it another try.

"Sie wollen nichts anderes. Sie wollen kämpfen! Sie sind Soldaten! Fucking Wahnsinnige!" - Noel G.

I felt much better yesterday and don't think I am a total loser in every point of life just because of this one sad failing anymore.

See, Tamara, that's the right approach. You shouldn't let this loss discourage you at all. I mean, it is all a matter of importance and priority. Nobody is perfect, and it is clear that sooner or later we all have to face something like this.

I can understand how you felt. I never failed an oral exam, but surely enough I failed my second year of Germanic philology. I had studied a lot for that crap, I had had Neil make me repeat all those damn verbs, and I knew all of them by heart, paradigm, meaning, derivation... everything. Yet, she decided to fail me, so she started asking me any possible detail about dates, and she even dared to say that it didn't seem to her that I had studied. She didn't actually fail me, but she suggested for me to get back another time after Christmas.

I arrived home, and I broke in tears. Humiliation was such a big issue for me. I started thinking that I couldn't not have stood her face anymore, how could I go there once again after what happened and so forth. But now I am over this, and will go on and keep studying, and pass that exam next chance.

This is the attitude you should have in fact. Your life is full of successes whether you want to see it or not, and you shouldn't be discouraged by this karate thing. I know you're already feeling better about it, but I do suggest for you to look around your house, and think about you see. You will see, aside from all your personal belongings that I am sure you love and so forth... you have a wonderful husband, someone who loves you and cares for you so much. He would do anything for you, to defend you, to support you... really anything. I think this is your biggest success in life. Having such a great person to stand by your side, helping you step by step. And I am not saying this out of envy, because I too have this great luck, and I realize that he's the only thing that is really important in my life. I can succeed or not, but he'll be there giving me his love. This is what makes me think that even if I have an occasional breakdown/accident/moment in which I am out of luck (call it the way you like), I should absolutely not feel bad or sad or angry... he's there, and he's the biggest success I've had. Same thing for you. Karate is important, I realize that, but you'll absolutely make it next time. Just stay positive, and hug Bernie next chance, and I am sure that all the bad things will be pushed away from your mind :)

Un bacio è un'apostrofo rosa scritto tra le parole "ti amo".