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Reading Love and Lifesense

Xpeeps blog
dreck from the mind of Zen
4 June 07
 
Part One: Chicks
 
I have had a hard time meeting people throughout most of my life. I‘m tend to be shy, painfully so. Generally prone to depression, I have had to medicate to become functional in social settings; but then by ...well, I’m not very social, or upright.
If you met me, you might never know that. I can hide it, at least well enough to do my job. I work in retail.
 
 
My friend Jade and I were talking. She asked me why I’ve never had a relationship with a girl, growing up. After all I’m not gay, I’m bi. I considered myself straight growing-up.
I realized my true orientation in high School, after listening to Dr. Ruth Westheimer talk about the Kinsey Scale. I figured myself at a 5 on that scale. Things suddenly made sense. At that time I time I thought I was directly in the middle. So why not be normal, and let nature take its course.
I told her that I don’t think there were many girls interested in me, mostly due to my stupid clothes, hand-me-downs. For those, or all the other reasons, I never fit in. At some point I became terrified of people getting to know me, cause inside I was a real mess. I thought I was contagious. I thought what I had was going to infect the people around me.
It was not, contrary to the song of the time, so easy to fall in love. I was horney, frustrated, and different.
I wasn’t allowed to date, when in school. My mom, single parent, was a very strict Christian. Mom, a Leo, with an Aries moon, didn’t allow dating, because of course that leads to sin. Dances also meant sin. So of course this leaves a very disturbed sense of sexuality.
Church in general leaves peoples’ heads warped and fucked. I guess it can help people to have hope and belief when logic is telling you otherwise, but short of that…
I meant, when you call the very act of creation of another life, what is supposed to be the greatest gift, or whatever, when that act is called “Original Sin”, then something is wrong. Yeah, we’re born into sin….give me a fuckin break. That’s God’s expression of Its Body, Its Spirit, Its Mind. That is the method God chose for us to express Its Self and Ego. So how is this sin? God created this method, so God is creating sin??? How does that work, you idiot???
 
 
On Her behalf, I will say she suffered from depression. Life with her was tough, but she did her best. At the end of her life on Earth, things made sense with her. She was molested by her father. This is the appropriate place to post that, on this site full of all the gamut of sexual gratification. That changes people’s perspective, their life.
My biological father was another prize-winner, back in his day—a true bastard shit.
All her life, she’d been fucked over by guys. Later on in life I became a shit, and a turd. Fucked over by her son. But she never gave hope.
I started dating R~ almost immediately after getting out of prison. I used to work for him. He always cared. Eventually my family accepted him as part of they family. They knew who he was, although noone ever said anything directly. R~ is my first true relationship. Mom never gave up hope I’d find a female. She prayed for him, me so we wouldn’t go to hell.
R~ is my original sin.
 
 
I had a catharsis talking to Jade. The tears would not stop as I talked about all the stupid shit I went through, and all the hurt and pain, and frustration I felt……………
It all came back.
But this time, talking to her, letting her absorb all that pent-up sexual frustration, it was different. I wasn’t left with shame, or bruised patches, or crud; she made me feel good about telling her.
I thought that those are the “gift of tears” the bound, tied submissive give to his Mistress. I felt like she gave me a gift. I felt more whole, more betterer. Better is better.
How could someone not treasure, and appreciate someone like that?
 
 
“I sit here cold, and wondering what is real; knowing that I still could be smiling if I told her how I feel.”
A friend of mine said that.
I can see now what he’s talking about. Minutes slip from our grasp; precious opportunities melt in little time once exposed to the bright light of our busy lives.
It’s very easy to forget, and lose people. It’s been my constant struggle to maintain contact with all those wonderful people I’ve met in my life, who’ve helped forged who I am. Here is one such person.
 
 
But I’m confused. I’m bi, but I’m prone to like guys. In high school I gave up hope, or energy in finding a hetro relationship. I wonder if I’m any better suited now.
Sometimes I feel like such a phoney.
I see girls that I like, who obviously like me, and I don’t act on the advances. Convince myself I’m mistaken, and let the moment slip, wither.
I should have asked Brittany, my co-worker, for her number, to call her so we can party after work. But I didn’t, even though I might have. I didn’t even though she would have.
She’s wild, and I’d love to party with her. We both love the drink. But, well, she’s straight. I don’t feel like being honest with her, telling her my truth.

Some part of me, I think, still is that 13 yr old boy, still terrified of being know by the girls, sigh, and the guys too.
Precisely for the reason she likes gay, and bi guys with other guys, is why I dig her so much.
I like her. The hetro part of me thinks I could have a nice, lovely, comfortable relationship with her. I think that if there’s any one that I’d want to marry, it would be her.
But I’m not looking to marry, especially not hetro. The whole concept of “tieing the knot” I find archaic, slightly barbaric. The concept behind the “giving away” the bride, is the vestal remains of the dowry. Representing the monetary value of a female, it was used by the family to “sell” the daughter into a better family. Like so much chattle and property, the woman is endowed to the receiving family. Hopefully the man treats her well.
I might go to a wedding of a friend, or relative, but only out of respect for them.
For myself, I’m not particularly favored toward a wedding of my own—save for the ceremony that everyone would have to be naked at. That would be the only marriage I think I could take.

So here I am thinking of an awesome woman, perhaps impatient, fiery, quick-tempered, but absolutely absorbing, loyal, protective, a true scorpio.
But she’s predominently hetro. Funny thing is that in light of her last bf, shes considering changing teams. Good for her…she may have better luck.
But here I bump into myself before I ever could talk to her seriously.
I get in my own way. Realize I still don’t know how to talk to people.
And she moves in to the twilight once again.
I sit cold and lonely, wondering what’s real, knowing that I still could be smiling if I told her how I feel.
But she’s not picking up the line.

The alarm wakes.
I’m late again, the bus will be gone by now.
Mom’s gonna have to take me to school again.
I’m gonna have to figure this out some day.
For now I’m 13, and clueless,
Cold and lonely,
Wondering what’s real.

The Cranesbill--a surprising pick by Emmet.