Reading Magnifico's journal

So I don't really much care for the idea of seeking out help in these matters, I've always considered it a private affair, the solutions of which one should seek out alone or with those involved. I just don't know what to do. I'm abroad (Graz, Austria), my closest friends are almost entirely on a different continent.

So I've been dating this girl for a year and a half, and she's really something else. She's incredibly sweet, she has the biggest heart of anybody I know, she's beautiful, she has a great sense of humor, and we just sort of fit (not just emotionally but physically). About seven months ago, she told me that she had cheated on me twice some time prior. She had a good friend who I knew was really in to her, and there had been an on-again/off-again relationship between the two. When I asked her if it was him, she said that it wasn't. She told me that it was purely a physical thing, and that she still loved me. We broke up a little while back, because we were coming to the same university here in Graz (we had both intended to before we began dating), and we thought it would be better for our social circumstances to not be together here, for fear of using each other as crutches and not meeting folks. However, it didn't take long for us both to realize that we have very strong feelings for each other and got back together.

In the time when we weren't dating, she spent a lot of time with her friend from before, and she has explicitly told me that they were together over the summer. I think it's safe to say that she loves him in some way, and that she loves me too. And as safely as I can say such a thing, being only twenty, I feel that I love her a great deal as well. But she's been more distant since we got back together, and I know she's thinking about him alot. I feel like I have been very understanding and very patient, but last night she told me that it was the same guy she cheated on me with. He's in the States and I'm here, and I'm afraid that she's with me more because of geographical circumstances than emotional ones, and it's been bugging me a lot that she might love him too. I always told myself I would be as reasonable as possible in these situations, to keep a level head, but I really care about her and it hurts me to know that on at least some level she misses being with him. It seems silly to say, but we used to have sex with quite some frequency (the best I've ever had, in fact) and now it's like she doesn't really care, and the paranoid, spiteful side of my mind keeps telling me it's because she loves him more.

I don't know what to do, I really don't know how to feel. She tells me she's in love with me, and I believe her. I love her incredibly, but how can I know she'll be faithful to me when she just told me she's only had one boyfriend she hasn't cheated on? I love to be around her, but now I don't know; it's like whenever I'm with her, I keep thinking about Ben and I wonder if she's thinking about him, missing him. I didn't want to post this in the Love section because I recall all the times that I just breezed through those posts begging for guidance thinking "better you than me," or just brushed them off as people seeking help in the wrong place. Maybe I'm hoping that nobody really notices this, I don't know. I don't really want to leave her, but I'm worried about thay being the only reason why I'll stay - fear of being alone. I don't want to become some whipping boy who takes everything she'll do, but I don't necessarily think that's what will happen (that is, I don't think she's quite the type to go on leading me around).

I'll believe in anything if you'll just believe in anything

I'm abroad (Graz, Austria)

Dude, why didn't you tell that before? We gotta have a 'shroom/bong meeting and talk about the good old times or something!

Seriously, it's good to see you here, even though this post isn't quite as light-hearted as usual. And as I can see in your profile you've already been introduced to one of the more important German punk rock bands.

As for your girlfriend, it's of course up to you whether to ask her to settle for one of you guys. In any case I'm keeping my imaginary fingers crossed for you.

Consider yourself hugged.

A meet-up would be, I believe, spectacular. Dunno about mushrooms (having trouble with tripping right now, after a really lame experience with a research chemical called DOB a few months ago) but considering how Catholic this country is and how hard it is to stumble upon good green, perhaps a somewhat simpler bongfest could be in order. I remember that you live in Switzerland, but I can't recall where. Was it Bern? I heard there was some interesting goings-on there recently with some Fascists. Funny how much they bitch and moan about wanting free speech until they get power, in which case they'll be more than ready to supress it. Immer das Gleich, eh?

As for the girlfriend business, things are going better and I think we're getting closer now. It seems to be that part of her adjusting period, in terms of getting used to Austria, was putting her memories to rights about what she really missed and what she was just sure she wanted only because it's gone right now. It's a weird place to be, for sure. That's just how it goes.

I'll believe in anything if you'll just believe in anything

I heard there was some interesting goings-on there recently with some Fascists.

I think the whole thing started when a group of far-left activists demonstrated against the SVP, a political party that's not fascist but rather on the right, and has launched a controversial initiative concerning the deportation of criminal aliens. The demonstration got a bit out of hand when some leftists started throwing stuff, and that's when the neo-Nazis decided to crash the party...
Once more shows that there are idiots in every country and in every political camp.
And it goes without saying that to most politicians, the concept of free speech is holy and not negotiable... unless you criticise them of course.

Oh, and at present I live in Liechtenstein. Yeah, I'm an alien too. Heh. Deport me. For you Austrians, this is about ten car minutes from Feldkirch (Vorarlberg). There's no bong, but Charlie the water pipe is always excited to get to know somebody new.

Consider yourself hugged.