Reading harold_maude's journal

This happens with regularity now. The waves of a ceritan emotion will come, settle for a while and then disapate.

It changes with regularity as well, so it isn't something constant. Tonight a great sense of hopelessness has come.
I'm not sure why they come like they do, or what they mean.
I've had to learn how to tell what's mine and what isn't.

This falls into the second catagory. When it's mine there are
events that happen that touch me on some deep level and there the emotions come.
When this happens, there is nothing preceeding it. Just like someone turns on a light switch.

I've become somewhat acustom to this occuring.
It has been happening more and more lately.
When it's connected to someone I know, it will settle in a part of my body, like an arm, or one ear, or one foot and so on.
I know it's connected because when I go through the mental lists of people I know, the right person will make the feeling grow stronger.

When it's no one that I know, it just settles in around me.
There is no personal reason for me to feel this way tonight, but I have learned that it's a good idea to take as many observable notes as possible. I have found that to be a good way to get a better idea of what is going on.

There are immages that form sometimes to go with the things I feel. And all I can see with this feeling is children. Thousands of faces of children. Their eyes show so much pain.
I can feel that too.

It's times like these that I wish I knew how to follow through on this kind of thing so that it wouldn't feel so half done, as it were.

As I was thinking about this place today, this journal that I started a few years ago now, I wondered about the people that were so active when I was writing here alot.
Did their lives go according to plan, or are they still struggling with the same things they were some two years ago.
I will spend time reading to find out about these people.
It will be alot like picking up a book that got started and forgotten somewhere.

Comming back here and writing again made me think about the time after I no longer had net access, and then having it again.
The time when the world got too close to the door.
For thoes who have never lived in the country and have only
known city life, it's a strange shift.
I am very sure that it would be the same if a city person suddenly found themselves out in the middle of nature.

Very odd, and very scary. It was hard to sleep all night for the first 6 months.
Inspit of many nights at the farm there was some movie blasting away just a few feet above, when we got here, everything outside the door made me jump.

I finally learned to not listen so much and learn how to sleep through noises associated with city life.
I still have trouble with noises outside the door.
Animals come to the door in the country and make noise outside,
but they arn't like people.
People are unpredicitble when you don't know them and they don't know you.
So that's still a struggle.

I would love to go back to the country someday. Have a place where the city can't be heard or felt all the time.

I like people. I do. I just have trouble with much of the things they do, to themselves and to other people is all.
I enjoy babies, and small people too.
The kind who are so enthalled with everything. They are filled with wonder at everything.
Too bad that most all of them will loose that sense of wonder.
What it will be replaced with will depend on the amount of immitation life they are drown in.

Peer pressure too, will shape what they want to see and be surrounded with.
The establishment of pecking order. That's what happens when a child enters into school.
It's suppose to be about learning and growing mentally, and physically as well.
But I'm not so sure it's about anything more than learning that society likes carbon coppies of people that are suppose to be guides, that's what a teacher is by the way, a guide to higher learning.

Getting to know more than you did when you got up this morning, that's all higher learning in elementry and high school should be. Simple. The broading of the mind with new information.
And help remembering what you learned the day and days before this one.
But what I see is more about fashion.
More about things that children shouldn't have to be dealing with.
I have a few ideas of what happened along the way.

So, I like the little people. I just wish the adults they were with didn't love their cell phones so much.
Give a kid the idea that there really isn't anyone there, just someone they learn to call mommy and daddy.

I've seen the other kind of adult as well, the kind that is facinated with this short perfect copy of the big size person.
And that's beautiful to see.
A mom talking to her baby. A dad making a monkey of himself just to see his baby laugh.
Baby laughter is highly contagious.
It's infectious, and awesome.

I love it when I see families enjoying who their with.

I've seen frustrated children trying to become adults and the adults don't want them to grow up.
They just say they do. But what "Grow up" really means when thoes kinds of adults say it is "Do your life my way and then I will be proud of you. Anything else is not ok."

I've seen domineering mothers who refuse to let their thrity something child alone to figure out their own code of life.
They are constantly telling this adult how it should be done if it's going to be done right.
I've seen vacant fathers having nothing to say, when they should be talking about life to the person they helped bring into the world.

I've seen the over protective as well. Well meaning and terrified to let go.

That's the people. Human just like me.
I wasn't so great a parent growing up along side my kids who are now doing better at living life than I did when I made it as far down they road in age as they have.
Maybe it all came down to looking at how screwed up I was and making the decision that I wasn't where they wanted to go.
What ever the reason I'm happy they are both ok.
Both have lives they enjoy.

My daughter got married last summer to someone who is her balance and best friend.
Good for her. I'm happy that she knows herself well enough to understand what she was looking for.
And I'm happy that it didn't take her years to find that person.
It took him longer to find her though.

All that matters is that they found each other in a sea of so many.
I have no doubt that they will have many happy years of leaning about each other.
I'm not sure they will have kids or not.
I hope they do.
I think they'll both make good parents and good guides for their children.

My son is still looking. I hope he finds someone as well.
Time will tell.

I guess maybe I spend more time than I should thinking...can't seem to help it.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just seems to be the way things is, at least so far.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Well, look who's back! And it looks like you've had two rather eventful years. And still you remember this place and come back. :-)

As for my humble self, since you left I've been married and divorced, moved thrice and am currently quite content with life (though busy).

I haven't heard of rosyxxx for close to four months now. Last thing I know is that she's still living in St.L, she used to send a postcard every other month but I'm not even sure if she's got my new address.

Consider yourself hugged.

Hey there :)

It's good to hear from you..funny thing about that, the thought went through my head, "your going to hear from null this morning", and low and behold..there you are.

I'm sorry to hear that you got divoriced, but I know that sometimes what a person plans on in the for the rest of my life catagory isn't always for life.
Sometimes it's just for a while.
Divorce is hard, and it's sad. But life keeps going. I hope that it was a peaceful parting at least. That makes things easier.

Wow, that's a lot of moving, that one can be exausting.
I'm glad your happy with how life is going for you.
That's a good thing. And good things in life are like really good chocolate, you savor them and have no problem remembering them.

I own this place and since no one can say no I'm turning this place into one large peice of art. The walls make a great canvas to work on.

I've got art up there from a few friends. One peice in particular is awesome. It's a huge dragon looking dog.
My friend who just passed away did it a few months after we moved in here.
I'm glad he did.

This is one of the first places I went looking for after we got the net here.
This place still reminds me of a fine and private place that is out in plain sight.

I still have to go to rosyxxx's journal and start reading.
I have alot of catch up reading to do.
Good reading I have no doubt all the way around. :)

It's so good to hear from you. And thanks for the welcome back.:)

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.