Reading harold_maude's journal

Sometimes when we sit with something for a long, long time, when it comes time to deal with it, trying to do so is not so easy.

I realized tonight that I have been at war with anger for a very long time.
Anger at not being heard. Anger at being judged. Anger at giving in. Anger at not being heard...I already said that, I know, but it's at the top of my list.

My anger goes deep. And like any deep well I'm not sure where the bottom is.
I have used this well of anger to get the adreniline in my system up high enough to get through the day, especially when going to work is the last thing I want to do.

That happens sometimes. I go anyway because I know if I don't
I don't get to eat, food from a store at least. I would end up going out into the wild and figure it out from there.
I'm not sure I want to do that just at this moment.

I wouldn't have enough money to cover the lot rent here and I would end up loosing this place.
It would end up with me ass to eye balls deep in debt until I could get my head clear enough to figure a way out.

In liu of that I keep going to work.
Simple economics. Right?

I just want to let the anger go, but have no idea how to.
The anger I feel now is based on events that ended up hurting me deeply.
People that I have let close have turned on me and I end up
getting the short end of things.
And the bill for what ever economic mess that comes with it ends
up on my shoulders.
What hurts the deepest about all of thoes events is not that things happened. They do. That's life. But thoes things came about from people who I thought and believed cared as much about me as I did about them.
That's what makes me the angeriest about all of this, is that the people I let close enough to find a place in my life and in my heart, didn't really give a shit at all.

If I let my anger have justice as it wants to, I'm very sure that I would end up going to jail for something or other.
And that's not where I want to be. So I don't give my anger
free reign to wreak havoc back at thoes people.

So tonight I war once again with a dark place. Hopefully I will win the war. Hopefully.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.