Reading Stoic_Slaughter's journal

A lot has happened since I last posted.

I've been raped and physically abused by a real creep of a guy. Considering that it was my only sexual experience (and when I say only, I mean that I wasn't just a virgin; I was a VESTAL virgin), I'm pretty traumatized. Every time I think about sex now, I want to puke. My parents have divorced, my mother is re-married, both of my parents are moving out of the state, and I haven't lived with either for almost two years. I nearly offed myself and ended up in a mental hospital last November.

I love my father and he loves me, but he is so ill that I can't be around him for more than two days without losing my mind over how sad it is that such a wonderful man has to be so sick.

I want very desperately to love my mother, but whenever I try, she seems to take advantage of it and use me for slave labor. She's a vile woman.

I pushed the love of my life away a million times and said pretty rotten things about him and to him...

but...

somehow he knew better, and we're together now and doing better than we ever have.

I'm in consistent therapy with a licensed psychologist. I had been seeing a "counselor" who I thought was a psychologist... but he turned out to be a touchy-feely, "bring in revealing photographs" creep.

I've learned a lot in the past few years.

More than anything, I've learned not to take anyone else's crap, not to tell lies, not to be gullible, and that my true self is worth love.

What other people think of me does not necessarily reflect who I am, and it certainly doesn't dictate it.

I'm a brave person, and I am driven away by cowardice. I am creative, empathic, intelligent, beautiful, and rather hopefully in love.

And I'm okay.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

You have been through alot in the last couple of years.
My thoughts are with you, simply because there are somethings that happen that can't be undone.

Hopefully the creep who hurt you will suffer far worse and will end up knowing how bad he hurt you.
I can hope for that for you, and I do.

I hope, hope that the people who come into your life now will bring life with them. And your right, you deserve to be loved not used, and you deserve to be respected.
You have mine.

This process of healing is alot like the story of the Pheniox bird, I think I spelled that right. The bird dies and then rises completely changed out of the ashes.
All of us who have gone through terrible things that have the possiblity to distroy us and we rise up, stronger than before, are like that.

I am happy that your with someone one who loves you.
:)