Reading harold_maude's journal

Here it is again, thursday night. Feels like a full circle
just got completed again, because the last thrusday I wrote here the laundry was hanging up to drain.

Last Saturday evening I got to hear the sound of a fast moving stream off of shout cast radio.
I listened to something that used to be able to hold me for hours, just like watching the sky used to, or burring my face into the branches of a pine tree, so I could drink the perfume of fresh pine. Yes, I love to smell trees.
Deal with it.

sorry about the deal with it, but I have come to accept that not everything about me makes any sense at all, I don't know how much makes any sense at all, but your not living in my skin, or living my life, or taking care of me, I am, so if I like burring my head in the branches of trees what does that matter to your life anyway?

My hormones are raging tonight.

That's another part of my life I don't talk about because until your there, you can only guess at what it looks like from behind my eyes.

Anyway, I realized as I sat there listening to something that used to make me melt into happy land, couldn't touch me at all.
I felt so removed from such a deep place inside me that I realized that I have spent the last 6 years thinking about survival and thinking about survival, that the things that make me happiest I am completely disconnected from.

I've been soul searching since then. Trying to anyway. I've seen so much failure over the last few days. Failure to be doing more and better by now.
Expectations birthed in this need to show the world how strong I really am.
Promises made in all honest intent and failure to be able to keep them, because the requirements to survive have been so demanding.

I used to be really good at a lot of things. I used to be able to write letters for hours on end.
I used to be able to sit down at a piano and be facinated beyond belief that there were sounds that made music and how beautiful it felt to feel thoes sounds.
Now when I sit down at the piano, all I can hear is crap, and more tired crap.
I can't touch that place right now.

Now when I sit down to write a letter, it's painful. Everything I write sounds and looks like crap.

I've been tired for a long time. So many things have happened in just the last year. And there has been so little time between events that I can barely catch my breath from one before the next thing hits.

I used to meditate alot. That was something I started doing again here about 2 years ago. It helped me by keeping things as balanced as I could in this fragile world I live in.
I don't know where or when but I stopped.
I can't recall the day I stopped, but now when I try all I find is something that resembles high speed traffic.

I know I'm burned out. But have no choice but to keep trying to find what I need so that I can get back to thoes things I really love.

The last few days have shown me where I have been living inside.

As painful as it has been to relive so much stuff, it's helped me see that it's just as important to make time for the things that at one point, were the rich soil of my soul, or maybe they were just water and fertilizer for what soil there already was.

I don't know.

I have felt things over the last few days, going by just as fast and hitting just as hard. All the fear that has been, and more fears connected with the future. And I can't run from any of it, nor do I want to because it has to be faced and delt with.
And there isn't anybody else who can do it for me, and I'm pretty sure that even if someone else could deal with this stuff for me, they really wouldn't want to.
I wouldn't expect that of any one, even if they could.

This is my stuff. The stuff in the closet. There have been times over the last six years that I believed I had at least some parts figured out but I realized that I don't know anything.
I understand how some things might work. But the really important things, I really, do not know.
That's what I am getting hammered into my head.

I don't know if tomorrow morning will come. Or the next 5 minuets. Or if anyone I know and love will be here tomorrow or not.
I don't know.
I have tried to live with that knowledge front and center every day for a long time now.
But that crazy need to survive seems to demand so much practical application to everything that even living there has made holding onto that difficult at best.

I have had so little energy the last couple of months that I have to gear my head into possition just to get through the day.
I want to take naps all the time now!

When I sleep, I either have insane dreams, like several parts of obscure movies pasted together badly and when I wake up,I feel like I've been running laps.
When I don't dream, I wake up exausted and disoriented. Like
I'm not sure where I am. It makes me wonder about thoes nights and what really goes on when I'm sleeping.

All of these things have been going through my mind since I heard the sound of the stream last saturday night.
Now I'm waiting for daylight.
Hope it comes soon.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.