Reading harold_maude's journal

These days it feels like getting through the day is alot like going up a really steep rocky hill.

I made it through another wensday. The last few days have been very strange. They almost feel like I've been asleep and am dreaming again.
I wonder how many other people in the world feel this way at least some of the time.

I'm not talking about getting loaded and then beginning the day, I'm talking about waking up and not being absoulty sure if you really are awake or still asleep.
I've actually had several of these days over the last year or so.
They are strange to say the least. The ablity to concentrate is difficult at best, and sometimes it feels alot like a running dream where everyone is passing you by at high speed and the more people that pass by the more you feel like your sinking into oblivion.

I was writing in my private journal and all these strange random thoughts kept going through my head.
I wonder if that's part of this experience.
In alot of ways it reminds me of the month I spent a couple of falls ago in a state of hallucination.
I still have trouble trying to discribe what I saw that month.
Some of it I was able to, but other things I still have seen nothing to compare it to.

I've talked to alot of people about that time, hoping I could find someone who experienced something even similar, but no luck yet.
It makes me feel very alone when I think about that time.
I wonder if down the road a peice someone else will write about something like it.
I've had other experiences like that too. Doing something that no one else that I could find was doing and then a few years pass by and someone starts doing it on their own and it becomes a fad of a kind.
Makes me feel that maybe I'm spending most of my life in a somewhere else state, and anyone else here is so far away that I will never meet them.

I had a crazy dream last night by the way. I was in this old house, and there were soilders everywhere rounding people up, the reason everyone was told, was so that a physical censes could be taken with physical I.D.'s.
I met some people I knew, but can't remember who they were, and we were trying to calm each other with happy stories.
Trying to make light of things so that we could hide the fear we all felt, that none of us were comming back.
Funny thing is that I wasn't scared.
I woke up thinking if the future holds something like this I will ask the soilder that I face if he loves his country and his country men? And if he says yes, then I will ask him to shoot me because I have no interest in listening to my fellow countrymen and women screaming in pain.

It's dreams like thoes, I've had three now over the last year,
that make me wonder if I'm dreaming about some future that is part of the waking world only it hasn't materialized just yet.

Sometimes I really envy people who die. With the exception of different people's accounts of what near death experiences are, there isn't alot of physical evidence to tell us much of anything.
Sometimes I envy them because any loss of love they knew in life doesn't touch them I don't think, anymore. Maybe it does.
I don't know.

I know of one man who was "dead" for 30 minuets. He was flat line for 30 minuets. The paramedics who were trying to resessate him were about to pronounce him dead when he sat up and asked where he was.
I asked him about it and all he would do is smile. I talked to his sister about it and she confirmed the story about his being dead for 30 minuets.
I really wish he had told me what he saw instead of just smiling at me with eyes that told me that death is nothing to fear, because there is so much bigger and better on the other side of that door.

There have been many days here lately that I can't tell if I'm still asleep dreaming some kind of lucid dream or if I'm actually awake.
I assume I am because nothing has happened to the contrary to show me that this is all nothing more than many dreams that have no end.

Last night after work I was so wiped out, it had been a busy day and we were short handed. It didn't slow down for almost 2and 1/2 hours. There was so much to do, and then truck came in and I ended up getting out of there an hour and a half later than normal.
I was wiped out. Working around people all day tends to be somewhat draining anyway. I have learned not to listen to most of what hits me when people are there, but it still exausts me.
I think I should have been a hermit after all.

Left to the immagination and personal interpretation of anyone who was curious.

You are the best immatation of you that exists