Reading harold_maude's journal

Here it is wensday night and life is doing it's thing.
There are alot of things I can't do anything about. Every time I try to figure out a soultion that works, I run into another wall.

The walls are getting to be so many that I'm exausted from trying to figure things out.
I have been struggling not to give in to the massive wall of depression that is trying to smother me.

I'm at a place where I need something really big to show up and help.
I'm a strong person. I've been through alot of personal trials, the last 4 years have had more obsticals that have required me putting my head down as it were and just plowing forward.
What's going on now is no exception.
I am now in need of major dental work, due to what's happening to my bones now that metapause has come to stay for a while. The job I am currantly at doesn't offer any, and to buy for one's self is more than I can afford.
There is a community clinic here, but they arn't accepting new patients unless they are under 18 or are on medicade. I don't qualify for medicade or medicare.
I'm not old enough yet.
What a deal!
So, with my hours dropping by the week and the normal bills that are required so that I can continue to have a roof over my head, and not alot left over for everything else, I really do need a major big thing to show up.

I'm so tired of trying to figure things out. I'm doing my best to keep a good attitude through all of this, but to be honest it's very tempting to just lay down and wait.
I'm really glad that I have private time to just let go and let the tears of frustration fall when there is no one here to see me.
Tears are a good stress reliver, as well as doing the eyes a big favor and washing them.
So I do not appoligize for crying when I need to.

I really do feel like I'm laying under a big pile of rubble and someone just keeps dumping more on top.
It makes going from day to day hard. It makes me want to just do what animals do when they are ready to die.
I can't find a point to trying when all that keeps happening is I keep running into walls.
I can't find a reason anymore as to why things just keep hitting me again and again...
and I'm tired of trying to pick myself up only to get slammed into by something else.

Funny thing is I know things can get worse than they are.
I know they can. I'm hoping for a break or a breather here somewhere.
When I ask for things, they are never over the top, they are just simple things, but it seems that I have to go through so much to get even the simplest things.
...depression birthed out of frustration sucks...