Reading harold_maude's journal

It's friday night, and for a few brief hours I am floating here in this space.

I turned off all the noise as much as possible because I was thinking again about some really peculuar things about my life today.
Everything that works happens backwards. I learn best that way too, after all is said and done, then the learning why it happened always unfolds so easily, clearly and it makes sense.
For the last few years every time something wonderful happens, on the heals of it comes something hard and fast to try to knock me to the ground....I think there is a journal post somewhere about that thing.
It happened again this week. I got this really great care package for mother's day from my daughter and when I got home, there was this guy waiting to hand me a somons for something that happened about 7 years ago, somthing that was done and over with.
But apparently not.

For several years now I've tried to help different people and they end up screwing me over.
It's all backwards.
It's crazy to screw someone over who helps you when you need it right? Or is that how the world really works?

Is it normal to get a gift and then get clobbered in the same day? Is that how the world works?
As far as I know everyone who has ever been kind to me in anyway I do the same back. When someone gives me a container of food, I return the container with food I've made.
I've given things away with out expectation, I've listened and cared for so many people along the road, doing it because it was a good and right thing to do, no expectations of some reward somewhere for being honorable.

So my question is this, did I fuck up by even being born?
I don't know why this keeps happening to me, getting slammed, knocked around by life, and generally used by people.

I've gotten to the place where I want to just go off somewhere and vanish for a while. But there are too many things that require my presence to do that, so I just end up wishing I could.

I was thinking about all of this again today and still am so puzzled as to why things in my world exist as they do.
It's not in my nature to take revenge against someone who has hurt me. The thought of getting nailed while seeing some kind of responsiblity on their part, nailed by karma keeps me from doing anything.

I really need some insite here. So this weekend I am going to do some deep meditation and look for answers. I just simply want to understand it.
That's all. Understanding it might not stop it from happening, but at least the frustration from it happening without knowing why would be eased.

I plan on painting this weekend as well. It's been a while since I painted. And I think that would be a good thing to do, something healthy and restful.

I'm hoping by the end of the weekend I'll have at least some insite as to what all of this is about. I can hope for that anyway, but as with all of life, there are no gaurentees.