Reading harold_maude's journal

It's quiet here for a little while. Outside I can hear the neighborhood kids playing at what ever game is on for them right now.

It's cloudy but warm and muggy out there. It should be a day that walks along with a casual attitude for me. It isn't.
A mixture of emotions are swirling around me like some kind of soot filled fog. Getting on everything and getting into everything in life.

I went and did laundry this morning. I have taken well to the adventure at the laundry matt that my saturday morning always promises with an amount of wonder at who will I meet today.
At the laundry matt people tolerate each other with the occasional polite conversation, it helps to pass the time.
Well used magazines stacked loosely on an old news paper rack provides reading about worlds that I normally don't pay any attention to. Drama on a few pages. Enough of thoes drama filled stories and then it's time to fold the clothes and go home.

I have learned to look forward to my visits there. This morning should have been that way. It wasn't. My thoughts have been filled and over taken by so many things. Things I can't do anything about. Thoughts about what kind of job I need to do more than just cover food and rent and gas and electric and the other bits of life that cost money.

Thoughts about wanting to be done with this metamorphisis already. Wanting desperately not to be so foggy headed at the drop of a hat and out of the blue. Thoughts about the people I care about, the people who have burned me, and of all things politicians, wonder how they got to rent space in my head.

Thoughts about wanting to walk off somewhere and just keep walking until I drop. To top it off I got a summons about two weeks ago for a bill that is over 6 years old. It's something that I thought was already taken care of. When I was first in this town, about a month I had to have emergency surgery.
One of the two that I have had to have. With each one I thought seriously about just riding it out until the mercy of death finally showed up, either that or something miraclious happening like all the sudden it's all better.

Pain is a serious motivator. It argues and wins most of the time. So I went to the hospital a month after getting here.
I was depressed when I woke up. The reason I thought about not going was the hospital bill after. How would I pay for something that I need with no job?

I found that through ignorance and a man who lied to me about waiting to file some kind of paper that would force the county to help me, because I was homeless at that point, until the county doctor made some kind of determination as to whether or not I was able to get help from the county.
The paper work said I had 15 days after the surgery to get the paper filed. I should have listened to the paper instead of the caseworker offered by the county.

Help was denied. On all fronts. I didn't qualify for any help and I have no money, nothing but a truck and some clothes and a few other belongings at that point.
I was labled "indegent by design"....which translates as "God made you to be a leach on the system"
In more common terms, your a waste of life and your taking up space, you should have just died because your too expensive.

I kept in contact with the people I owed money to. I looked for work and called them to tell them I was trying to get a job so that I could pay my debts to them.
I got sent paper work. Lots and lots of paper work. I asked all of them if it was possible for me to work off my debts to them, they all got nasty about my request. Which translates this way, we want money. That's all. You working off the debt is not what we want. So screw you.

I got angry and quite calling. About a year later I got served a summons about the entire bill. I had nothing then. It went to court and now I had to deal with collection agencies hounding me. Somewhere along the line they stopped.
Until two weeks ago when I got a summons for the doctor's bill for doing the surgery.
As far I know it was included in the first run through the court system.
Now I have questions about all of this. I looked up the statue of limitaions as to medical debt in the state where I live, and I also started searching out what is going to happen, will I end up loosing the roof such as it is over my head.

So the hours this weekend are dark. Instead of being casual and relaxed, I'm not.

Then I find myself looking at how many things have come all at the same time and is it any wonder that I keep trying to win the lottery?
Here's the list:

This newest addition of a debt that is over 6 years old
The muffler on the truck
the front end of the truck, from the accident almost 3 years ago
6 broken teeth in my head that need to be fixed
A washer and dryer that works
new shoes, mine have holes in them and I keep putting it off until things are a little better
new glasses
a visit to the eye doctor would be nice
new carpet because the stuff that is in here now is old, I don't know how old but there are water stains on it and the cat has hit it a few times, so it really does need to be replaced
A newer frig, this one is great at making ice, and not just in the freezer.

So I'm looking at a few things. Most of the time I don't dwell on everything that is waiting to be taken care of. I think about the things that I do have and try to live in a place of being greatful.

Getting a huge loan isn't what I really want to do because I still have to take care of the normal monthly things, and eat as well. I need to find a job that pays alot more than the one I just left and it needs to be not so phsycially exausting, I need some energy left over to put into taking care of this place.

If I could find a job that will fit the bill then a loan from my bank is a possible choice, but with the first judgement against me, getting a loan with out it carring huge insterest which would make payments higher than I could afford without drowning, is a very iffy thing.

So here I am. It's saturday and the kids are outside in their world, and the sky has still got clouds and it's still muggy out there...and my head is a bit on over load, and even though it's daytime out there it sure feels dark.