Reading harold_maude's journal

This morning I was planning on taking the bus down town and getting several things done, errands. But it's pretty stormy out there, so after spending the last two hours pouring over want adds, and filling out forms and all that, I came here.
My cave. That's what this place is for me now.
A safe cave where I can put the things I want to put in a safe place.

The raging storm that had been going on for several days inside me has started to subside a bit. I've been thinking that writing some detailed thing about all of what it's like may be a good idea in that maybe it would help someone who is going through it but hasn't done the research and feels like they are loosing their mind.
It can feel that way. I'm greatful that there is now information out there so that when a woman starts going through this and everything just seems to be falling apart inside, the information helps. It really does. It has let me know that it's not me loosing my mind, or becomming a monster of some kind, or anything like that.

I have worked to change how I see all of this. And in that process my understanding of what riding the storm out has taken on a very deep and very solid foundation.
I have faced much from other people. I had to learn not to take their words on or accept them. They arn't standing in my shoes. They are just passing through, and the cruelty of those things are just their limited view of me.
Big deal. Thoes people have had no clue, nor did they want any understanding. If they had, the things that they have said and how they judged who I am would never have happened.
Besides I have no need of being beaten up by people who don't know me so well, so why would I accept their view as the truth anyway?

The storms associated with menapause are about the chemistry of my body. No one else involved here, just me and my body going through. I can't avoid it, side step it, or delay it to some later date.
It's here, now. I know that when this is done, I will be stronger than I have ever been in my life. I'm being shaped by this into something more than I have ever been in my life.
That's what I know inside. In the mean time, this place has been the one safe place to put the overload that this does cause.
And everyone needs a place to put their hard things. And the other reason that I have been putting all of these things here is because for some reason it's helped me from falling into the cracks as it were. It's been a safty valve of sorts.
I've taken to changing who can read it, simply because it does get pretty rough, (you should see it from my end)
and that can be very scary to read.

But this is my cave, and with all caves and sancturaries there are things that get put there that arn't pretty or pleasant or even of a kind nature at times. I am greatful for this place.
It really has helped with the journey I'm on. And who knows maybe somewhere a book is just waiting to be written.
Would that make me a vulture of my own suffering?
I don't know the answer to that one.

The storms this spring have been very violent. Full of thunder, lightening and lots and lots of rain and wind. It's a great visual to all of this. It feels that way inside when the dark of this journey hits me broadside.
But I'm learning to be like a reed and bend so that I truly do not break.
I think that's the real secret to riding things out, whatever they may be. Be like a reed with deep roots and any storm is survivable.
I know that there are worse things that could be happening right now, and so I am greatful that they are not as bad as they could get.
This time will pass. And all the wisdom of this journey will be part of my life experience. I'll be able to comfort those who need comfort.
That's a benefit of going through any difficult passage of life, the ablity to comfort others, help make their way not so scary, not so alone.
And that is a strip of blue on the horizon. I've got my sights fixed on that strip of blue, even when it seemly disapears and gets swallowed up by black storm clouds.