Reading harold_maude's journal

Can't seem to do anything quite straight or right these days. Everything feels medocre and dull. I'm struggling to find my way through this. Rediscover a passion or something...a spark maybe?
Would be nice.

I started the next job today. The next appointed time of what ever and why ever it is that I'm there. I believe in my bones that every place that I have ever worked at, wether for a massive corporation or a lone business man with a handful of employees, there has been purpose there.

I've yet to see something just open up to me just because I'm what ever...it doesn't work that way, I don't ever just get something, there is purpose in everything.

So, we will see why I am here, and for how long as well.

It's a good thing that I can still remember that. Somedays it slips out of mind and it's then that I feel the most lost.

Somewhere there is an energy source strong enough to re-charge me. I don't know what and I don't know where. But it's out there somewhere.

It's another one of thoes rocky evenings...I need to have a good long cry and just release some of this. I ain't strong enough to hold it up any more by myself.

The last three weeks have been full. I've put in longer hours and on top of that getting not much sleep, I had to put something into motion fast so that I can still keep the roof over my head.
So there I am, filling out app's, trying to get things ready to sell, and trying to catch up on some major house cleaning.

I found out that I got the job yesterday. I wish I had known on friday so that I could have actually relaxed some before
today.
I had planned to just rest for a week and then start looking for work while I tried to sell some of my art.
But I'm not so good at just resting. I rather suck at it to be honest.
Relaxing is difficult for me. I feel the need to create and do all the time. To be busy about something that will produce something wonderful somewhere...

I get impaitent with myself alot anymore.

The first week after I left the last job I spent the better part of that week on my back most of the time because I was too exausted to move. When I could, I did stuff very slow.
I had been looking at jobs for a month already, so when I would look at my email things were already comming in.

But it wasn't until the leave date was set that I could actually give anyone a specific date of availablity.

Trying to make stuff durring the last two weeks has felt numb.
Life less and complete crap.

I have to believe that if this is the place, then the strength I need to be on while I am there, will be there.
I do take stress tabs by the way, just incase someone thought vitamins would help.

There was a time not so long ago, just a couple of years in fact that a passion to help the homeless got stronger than it had ever been.
I wanted to start a recycling center. Focus mostly on clothes.
Pay some homeless people really well to dissasemble the stuff and then use the material to make moblie carpet for tents, wall carpets for tents as well. Things that would help to retain more heat on cold nights.

I wanted to find someone who could help me make this dream come true.

Then that dream grew, and became owning a peice of land where people just like me could come and find a safe place to figure things out. A place to rest and think. I wanted to make a barter deal with the people who would want to stay there for a while, they would have to work on the place to get a safe place to stay and food to eat, shower and laundry facilities.
some kind of written agreement so that people would have less thought of abusing it.

Then that grew into more, having green houses and making them raised bed gardens, and inviting people who could not do so other wise to come and learn and help and at harvest, take home some really good food.

Then that grew into something bigger, A place that made room for people to come and make things they are good at, and have a store near the road that would sell the stuff that the people who lived on the land made.
Maybe some traditional art or craft might not be lost that way.

And finally that grew into this, and this would take a lot of land, on the land building a school dedicated to people teaching other people about things they know, old arts that are all but forgotten, like that lady in France did, several years ago now. She revived the art of making lace and was in the end honored by her country for doing it.

My dreams are big. So big. And I have no way that I know of to make these things happen. They would help so many people...

I want to see thoes things happen, and to be honest, I don't care if someone else does them, I just want to see them happen.
I just know alot of lives would be changed.

Anyway, I'm here...