Reading kylebellamy's journal

I sometimes write to myself long letters explaining just how I felt at that moment, how my head hurt or my chest ached, how long the night was, how strong the anxiety when waking.

It's not so much to catalog it but to be able to see the differences between that moment, that strange twist in my head and the place that my mind is currently at when I tear open the letter, be it better or worse. Most times it is better.

Except for lately where I find that the panic or the darkness of depression is still present days or weeks later, still viable and vital in its persistence, varying only in it's intensity, touring the levels of the trough so to speak.

It is a truly strange feeling to realize from afar that you are trapped in a tightening spiral, not having noticed it in the first place which is one of the chief qualifications of it in the first place, I imagine. Supposedly, it's more difficult to identify your own problems because of the problems which I can attest to.

Knowing your depressed is not necessarily recognizing the damage it is doing to you or the rest of your life.

The reason this all came up is that I was reading through some journals of psychology to try and understand where research was and medicine and all that and I came across a reference from a doctor at the Johns Hopkins University where the gentleman in question began to notice a subset of his cases that would be perplexed when he would question them about the highs and lows of the depression and it's episodes.

At first he dismissed it as a communication issue but upon describing to them that depression is cyclical thing, that it comes and goes, even in chronic cases, this subset would tell him that they had no idea that it occurred that way, not because they weren't cognizant of the fact but rather that for them the depression never goes away.

It is a constant thing, a drone that continues on and on everyday, every night never allowing the sufferer to come up for the proverbial air. It has its darker times and it's lighter moments but continuing unabated, it grinds on the mind in sleep and waking.

Disturbingly, there was no information on what this does to the subset sufferer so I have only myself to understand.

It's just too bad that there has been nothing further on this that I can discover since I find it a topic very dear to me. Any light in this tunnel is welcomed with open arms.

I know I'm dead on the surface But I'm screaming underneath