Reading harold_maude's journal

I've been spending the last several months trying to find an open door for a job. Closed doors are everywhere thanks to an economy that resembles a mix of buildings being blown up and other ones in the same area being built.
The frustration has been amazing.

All of the trying and all of the rejection have had the effect of making me wonder if there is anything out there that I am the right fit for. Emotionally and mentally this whole process has been exausting, but since I still need to make a living somehow I really cannot just take a break from any of it.

After finding nothing but closed doors here in the town where I live, I began to search for freelance gigs that I had at least a basic set of skills for. Many of them I've yet to hear back from. While I understand that the competition is intense, and lots of people are fighting for jobs, I finally decited that it was ok to feel what all this has made me feel.
I have value too. The art that I do is not valueless.

I finally sold two handmade purses last week. It felt so good to actually have something I created sell.
At the same time I noticed that I lacked the energy to get overly excited about it. It made me realize that I've been in effect hanging off the edge of a very high cliff for quite sometime. Not a good place to spend life.

I realized I need to find a place that I fit into. I can believe in my value as a human being, but it's really nice to find other people who think so too. It's nice to be able to create art and sell bits here and there, but it's also nice when complete strangers find the work worth something as well.
There is something about all of that and validation that helps much like taking vitamins help the body. People buying your work, says more than compliments that I find I really don't put alot of stock in anymore.
If someone who has money and the ablity to buy art, even a small peice, like a print or a small job that I am more than able to do, just offers me compliments that translates to that the compliments are about their fear of offending my ego.

For a long time I believed people when they would go on and on about how wonderful my art was and then turn around and tell me I should be doing something with my art. All of those people have money to go and buy lots of stuff and don't seem to understand that instead of telling me I should be doing something with my art that buying a pecie of my art, even a print would fit the bill all the way around.
As a result of this kind of thing going on and on, I finally got to the point where I looked at what they said as they weren't being honest, just nice. So I tend not to tust compliments anymore.
I would rather have a person be honest and tell me what they really think than just throw compliments at me. I can understand people looking at a peice of art that has a huge price tag and saying they like it and not buying it simply because of the cost, but generally most artists are opening to doing prints of their work.
I'd love to own an original Van Gogh because I love his work, but it's priced higher than I can afford, but a print or a card with his art on it is certianly with in my budget. I have a book of his work and if he were alive to day buying that book would go to support him as an artist.

When I see art of other artists, if I don't like the work I don't compliment them. If they ask what I think I'm honest. Complimenting artists out of fear of brusing their ego does nothing for the artist except create an illusion that has no truth attached to it.
Because of my own experience I tend to be honest. If I like someone's work I generally wait until I can afford at least a print and then buy a print of the work if the orignal is too expensive to show them that I like their work and at that point let them know that I like their work. That way they know I'm being honest with them instead of just stroking their ego.

This aside I'm still trying to find work of any kind. The doors are still shut and so all I can do is think of each day in the frame work of maybe today will be the day that things will change.