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I did something this morning that I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
I had talked to my daughter last week asking if the need arose would they let me stay for a couple of days. She was clear that there was to be no smoking even in the yard...why would she think that I would do that?
I respect their wishes when it comes to things like that and then I called a few days later to clarify the question. Her answer to the question was no that even if the need arose I was not welcome to stay there. It was a devistating thing to hear. I want to be closer to my grand children but if I go and can't find work I'm homeless.
I've had some days to think about all of this. Moving to a new place and trying to find work means that you need an address and a phone number so prospective employers can know that you can be reached.
With out that there is no work to be had. The only option is labor ready and that leaves you few options. A shelter which has a limited amount of days and then your on the streets.
So I made this decision after thinking about the whole thing and sent the new email address and told her I knew how busy their lives were and offering the email might make keeping in contact easier than when I call because it always seems like I'm intruding in on their lives which I don't want to. And I haven't heard from her.
I know she got the message.
I will leave it with her. After being told no that I wasn't welcome it made me feel that she wanted me to stay here or the very nearest she suggested was this trailer park near the freeway in the same town.
It made me feel like I was being completely rejected by her. Like she didn't want me close, that I would some how infect her children...
I understand wanting to protect your children. But from your mother? I know I was a horrible mother. I got ultra religious and after realizing that they didn't want me to stay, I left.
Now there is a strong need to be near my children after 13 years.
It's clear they don't want the same thing.
I'm looking at some alternative choices. I need something that feels like a welcoming family. I wish it was my children. But it's not. It breaks my heart. But it's how things read out. I made a decision. Not maybe the best decision, but a decision non the less. Time will tell if it was bad or not. It will show itself to be what it is.