Reading Ettena's journal

how to feel not empty.
You're filled with so many details impressions expressions thoughts ideas news and stuff and you feel empty after a day like this. Where have all those things gone to? Aren't they somewhere inside you?
Of 10 trillion impulses that pour into us in one second we can only percieve 10 to 100.
What about the other 999,999,999,990 to 999,999,999,900 impulses? They must be gone to some unconscious place inside your brain. Science says there's only enough memory cell for 20 trillion impulses in our brain. Shortly, we can only save 2 seconds of our lifetime impulses. Great. I must say that I'm far older than 2 seconds. So what has happened to all my impulses? Where did they go?
I must have lost them. I've lost my life! That must be the cause I feel empty.

how not to feel empty.

I actually don't believe what i've just written. I just don't know what to believe!
life's so complex. so many things I crave for doing but don't get them started. listening to music. my music. makes me feel i can do whatever i want. music stops and i feel crap. i want to change everything in my life. same time and i don't want to change one thing. what to change it for anyway. i meet an impressive person: suddenly want to live like her: but - that's not me. don't know who i am. will i ever know? will i ever..?
eversearching for my aim.. is there any? memories. memories do count a lot. You live in the present and in your memories. Nothing else. could my aim be to gather as many nice memories as possible? to live intensely? what else? feelings? emotions? what would i miss if i died right now? would it matter? to single persons maybe, not to the world.
The world doesn't need me. Still, would it be selfish to die now? Cannot get rid of these thoughts. again and again.. this creates emptyness I guess. I must get out of it.

Tschüss, alder Babbsack! Hier parkste richtig.

Professor RCD replies:
I think everyone of us tries to live more in the past, then in the present. The good old memories of one's past can not bring anything except for sadness. Sometimes when the present is going tough, the past brings back even more memories of the past.

An analogy:- if you try to pick up some sand when at a beach, and if you try to squeeze your hand to keep the sand close to you, the moment you tighten your hand, the sand will flow away from your hand and will fall on the ground. Sand is like your life. Past is best forgotten. The moment you try to hold it forever, your present will slip away.

The emptiness you are feeling is probably due to the fact that you are holding a lot of good things in your heart, and don't want to let go. The emptiness is because you are reminded of the past, and want the good old times to return back to you. Well, try to live in the present and create even more good memories which are even better then the ones from the past, and I am sure you won't feel empty anymore.

Professor RCD goes back to his sulk mode after giving words of inspiration...remember I am still hibernating and rethinking on my life...

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Ettena….I know very well what you talk about. In fact, I’m probably having thoughts like I never did before. My very existence..why? What do I crave for? What am I longing for? Where do I belong? Do I belong anywhere at all? Whom do I care for? Who matter in my life? I can’t have what I most seem to want right now…freedom and love. And why? Cause I don’t know how to break the numerous walls that I have built around myself, even though I know I’m getting suffocated. Why do I feel I’ve let myself down? In so many ways?

When would I say that I have lived a life? Do I want to live at all? Do I want to be “impressive”? Does that matter, at all? Would that bring meaning to life?

What else do I want in life? To be able to make a difference? Does that matter? Does anything matter? There is pain. There is war. There is hunger. There is death. Yes. Do I want to change this? Can I change this? May be, a beginning can be made. Okay, so do I live for making a beginning? But then, if this world were an “ideal” world with only peace and prosperity…would people be happy? Can humans ever be happy? I find the animals and birds more peaceful and at rest with themselves. Is this what evolution is all about?

Then suddenly this emptiness…of being so detached from everything. Suddenly losing all emotions. Suddenly life and death don’t matter at all. <as if they really ever did> Am I a computer that can be “switched on” and “switched off”? Who created me? Why could I not remain “uncreated”? Would the universe miss me if I were not there? Would the sun be any less brilliant? The moon, any less bright? The stars…any less in number?

Zillions of questions….no answers.

Give me a fistful of sky and an ounce of ether... and take eternity in return.

I often feel the same.
Like yesterday. It's because I always compare myself to others.
I am a student and I don't see that there are people who don't have the possibility to study. I just see: Ah, so much students that are much more intelligent, have more power to learn, will succeed in all exams and so on.
Then I look at me and don't like what I see or what I feel. Don't like what I do but can't do different. No power. No motivation.
I think: I am really a little good-for-nothing. But it's not true. People tell me and I can see: Ye-hes, there have often been people who praised me for being a nice person, a good worker, that some thing of me was really good. I just tend to think it doesn't count. Why? Dunno... E.g. at NAO: With every bad rating or no rating at all and no rank in the top 5 I think I am totally worthless, useless and I should better freeze my account because nobody needs or even reads my posts because their niveau is not good enough.
All these comparisons with better people leads me to one opinion: I won't make it. I won't make anything, I will never make it. Most of the time I can ignore this "fact" but it comes to my mind fast and easily when I am confronted with work (mountains of learning material for the university) or am depressed anyway. I am asking myself: "How did I make it to the university anyway? One more term and two failed exams and I am out... I managed a lousy year here (not seeing that others failed, failed through every exam while I passed 4 of 5)"
Then I am so afraid. I will disappoint my parents, friends, everyone. I will never earn enough money to lead a fine life though I am dreaming so often of a more glorious life with all the things I don't have, e.g. lots of friends etc. I will become a welfare case oh my God no! Of course I don't think so, there's always a job to do, maybe no good one but, yeah... But I don't want to work as a cleaner or something after my parents spent so much money for my education, they will hate me. But all those glamourous, interesting, luxury jobs, I don't think I will ever get one of them.
Maybe I just demand too much...

"Sie wollen nichts anderes. Sie wollen kämpfen! Sie sind Soldaten! Fucking Wahnsinnige!" - Noel G.

Orchid! Life is really no better at the top! I have been there numerous times. I was always the nerdy type, always attending my classes, making notes, studying, and never think about anything apart from studies! Naturally, I had no friends. I was brought up that way. To succeed in life! Whenever I used to come second or third in my class, my parents used to be very disappointed in me. The kind of expectations that one has when you are always succeeding keeps on increasing day by day. And, everytime the bar is raised, you got to perform even better. The kind of pressure that builds up around you is immense, and you are so engrossed in your little world that you do not care about anything else in life.

When I was growing up, I never got the chance to stop and smell the roses, if you know what I mean. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! Well, this is so true. I always passed in flying colors, always coming number 1 in any comptetion, but never succeeding in real life! I was so much alienated from the real world that I could not do anything practically! I was afraid to have real conversations with anyone. I think, part of this is still true. I can still write my opinions pretty well on a forum like this, but when it comes to chatting with someone on a pager, or conversing with someone in real life, I do hesitate a lot.

Well, so what if you do not succeed in real life? So what, if you are not amongst top 5 or top 10? That does not mean that you are not needed. Believe me, people who don't care about any such things are more happy! I have lost a lot of friends because I never got to spend time with them. I have lost friends because I considered myself "above" them in something. This false egoistic feeling only brings a lot of "emptiness" and sadness in the end. This kind of feeling does not lead anyone anywhere!

So, lean back, relax, and imagine how can you bring a difference to yours and others lives today and tomorrow. Just smile at anyone you meet while walking on the road or in a bus, and see how much joy you can spread! What finally matters is how you live the present, and how you bring a difference in people's lives who are around you. Nothing else matters. Failures in life are just a stepping stone towards a different kind of success. Free your mind, and drop all expectations that you have from yourself, and see the difference!

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Orchid…RCD is right. May be I could tell you a little of my experience, too. As a school student, I was always above average, mostly figuring in the top three places. My grades only got better as I got to higher classes. I was the one with an "overwhelming sense of duty"…it was not because my parents put any pressure on me for studies; it was just that my only aim was, I guess, to become the "ideal daughter". I thought I owed that to my parents. To make them as proud as I possibly could. And that I did. I put all my energies into academics. More than hard work and time, I started deriving my sense of self-esteem form my grades. It made me feel worth it. Everything else seemed to take the back seat. Nothing pushed me to excel in any other field. It all seemed to get compensated by a first rank! I killed my creativity, or atleast, suppressed it by refusing to see it. I had a few very good friends by me always, but I was never in the "happening" crowd. And I know craved for greater acceptance. Anyway, the story got really bad from here on, as time went by...but I would be digressing if I got into that here. But then, I learnt some very very valuable lessons in life.

What I'm trying to say is…most of the times, we humans tend to run after "symbols" of happiness, and not happiness itself. "If I have a Mercedes, I'll be happy" "oh, how I long for that job…if only!" … "sigh! What a beauty of a house!…why can't I have something like that?" .. "hey…I want to move in that crowd too!"…and the moment we have it, there is something else we find that we want badly…back to square one. I've tasted being a school topper…even a region topper. Yes, it feels great, for the moment <I'm not saying all that was worthless, it sure was important. But that's not the end of life> You soon find that there are still more people else where, who've performed better. The race is never ending. Even if you get the job you most desire, soon, maybe the competition to reach the top will set in. It surely is *not* the passport to happiness and peace.

Does the oak tree envy the bamboo for being so light and wishes that it had a hollow trunk? Does the bamboo feel inferior to the oak cause the latter is more "valuable"? Does one star compare its brightness with another? Then why do we humans derive our self-worth by comparing ourselves with each other? Why do we feel "important" only when we outdo another in something? I have learnt this lesson the hard way. The way to judge oneself is not by comparing with anyone else, but by looking into yourself to see if you are fulfilling your potential. Whether you are being honest to yourself. Only to yourself. Everything else is just a charade. It will fade away. Are you doing what makes you happy…in the present moment?

Besides, academic success DOES NOT guarantee a fruitful career. And material success and well being, DOES NOT guarantee happiness and satisfaction. Although, there may be some correlation. Orchid, I also feel one must not judge a job by the size of the pay cheque it fetches you. I guess the question to ask is…does it correspond to my personality? Would it make me more of what I am? Would I do it, even if I didn't have to earn money at all? Do I want to make a living out of it, or do I want to make it my way of life? And trust me, you'll always do well in whatever you choose! :-) Whenever I see the look on my Mum's face when we really like the food, or when we are just together as a family, I can just tell, that no matter what, this gives her all the happiness on earth…to know that she *has* succeeded in giving us a loving home! And there's no shame in doing any sort of work…no shame in being true to oneself.

It DOES NOT matter what anyone thinks of you. The only thing that matters is how YOU think of yourself!

And never underestimate yourself. That's the biggest blunder one can make. If you can dream it, you can achieve it. You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. :-)

Trust yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it. Everyone does. :-)

<end of sermon>

Give me a fistful of sky and an ounce of ether... and take eternity in return.

It DOES NOT matter what anyone thinks of you. The only thing that matters is how YOU think of yourself!

Did you listen to yourself, dear? And why is this always so hard to understand? I think about EVERYBODY sometimes told these words to a friend in misery, but why dont we listen to it ourselves during those moments? Why do we fall ourselves to the same trap just days or even hours later? There are only few people, I guess, who REALLY understood these words to its full potential, and, funny enough, those guys are then called arrogant or - even worse - nuts, just because they wont let themselves get pressed into categories and rules.

Then again, can anybody call himself free of listening to the wishes and demands others have? There are always people in each ones life that are of so great importance for the particular person that it seems and in deed IS worth listening to them. I need that! As kind of correction of my own ways. Sometimes I feel like bouncing aimlessly around, left, right, up, down and I NEED the limits set by others to not lose the important direction, forward! How many of the really important decisions/changes in ones life are truely made on your own? Or are we not rather happy about any help we can get, a friend, who shares his most precious experiences with us, that make us feel we have learned something just by listening. Is it wrong to follow such an example, just because it was told to us? Do I have to say "no" just because someone told me to say "yes". Permanent opposition can be as straining as having no opinion at all and just follow anyone that takes you by the hand.

After decades of construction my website is finally up an running: www.kkds.de

1) Refer to my first post in the same thread.

2) I didn’t mean it in that sense. What I meant was the people in general. I was talking of wanting to get approval from the society only to feel “wanted”. I was not talking of the special people in one’s life, but rather the need to have mass social acceptance. If I want to be an artist, or a peace activist, and not an execitive in a company, even if people (the society, NOT the ones I love) would think of the latter as more “respectable”…so be it! Should I be scared of making a choice only cause it doesn’t seem appropriate in the society that I live? And you know too well what my answer would be to that. Infact, you know my answer to all those questions you asked. I was neither talking of permamnent opposition nor of permanently following anybody. I only was talking about doing what truly *makes* one happy…even if that means permanently listening to the very important people in one’s life. I have lived to make others happy for a long time…and I’m still not sure if I regret that. The lesson I learnt was that to make others (the very special people) happy, you DON’T have to be dishonest with yourself. For if they really are special, these people would love and adore you anyway...they’ll only be happier if you were you happy.

Give me a fistful of sky and an ounce of ether... and take eternity in return.