Reading MelMel's journal

I realise everthing I am about to say can be dismissed as teen-angst. If you believe that then i advise you to go elsewhere now.

I am one of those people who are average at everything. I am good at humanities and English but not great. I'm average at maths. I try really hard in music and drama but I'm smart enough to realise that every accomplishment i get is due to my families name.

At my school my brother is music captain and my father runs the sound and microphones for all concerts/performances.

i am average at these but get treated slightly better than i deserve due to my name.

I am absolutly shocking at sport, which brings me to my next point. if I wasn't already depressed by knowing that I deserve worse than the already shabby treatment I get, i sure as hell am now. in my previous journal i discussed how my non-existant social life was and why. You pile those together and you get mighty pissed off MelMel.

Then today i have one of the more crappy days i have experianced in life. I play volleyball as my school has compulsory sport. I have never played except for the past 2 weeks. I get there and try my best, knowing that i suck and that the rest of the team would be so much happier if i wasn't there.

i know that it's not fair to everyone else that they get stick with this crappy, whiny person youner then them. But I still don't think I deserve that.

I have always prided myself on controlling my emotions. it doesn't matter what I have accomplished, I know that nobody cares so therfore I maintain a constant expression of depression. It's really not that hard. my closest friends see through that. and for my other distant friends i show no emotion. Just an incredible sense of wit.

I had no idea how to react today. i had no expression or persona ready in my mind for me to able to press the button and have an automatic reaction.

I was really depressed, but nobody cares because they assmue it's normal, or if they think they know me, all part of the act.

I've dug myself in hole and I can't get out.

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Mel, seriously, don't care about those people who "would be so much happier if i wasn't there." I don't think you noticed, but all those people who give you evil looks when you miss the ball are crap at volleyball anyway. Their serves rarely get in, they miss shots, and they are no better than you. Just watch them next time. Just watch me. I'm doing volleyball cos I suck the least at it. I still completely suck. They and me pretend we can actually do it. We CAN'T.

I have spent years hating every possible form of sport I have ever played because yes, I suck. I know what it's like Mel. People go on about how sport is sOO fantastic because of the whole "working together" crap. But it's always been tortue for me too. You turn up, you stand on the court, and you wait to be humiliated. You know you're going to be humiliated. You know everyone's going to look at you and you know what they're thinking. I know what you're thinking about what the others are thinking, cos I've thought that way too.

After 12 years of compulsory sport I've finally realised those people can get fsked. It's not your fault you're on the team, and it's not your fault you're not brilliant at it. Just forget them OK?

As for the music thing, I reckon you're good. But I don't reckon you should be doing it to compete with your brother. And I reckon you're good at drama. I saw Rat Trap, and I wouldn't describe you as "average" at all.

Also, I didn't even know who your brother was till Mark introduced me.

I guess you wouldn't consider me one of your close friends, cos I can just see that "incredible sense of wit". And I'm sorry if anything I said as only a distant friend made you feel worse.

After reading your post...well I've been where you are. I've been in that hole. I can't say that much to help you. I know I was un-helpable back when I was in my hole, no matter what anyone said. The one possibly helpful thing I have to say is that you won't stay in your hole forever. That's how holes work. You'll get out of it. And talk to me about it...if you want. Up to you. See you tomorrow.

P.S. You're added onto my list of people I admire. Because you're a good person. And cos you put up with stuff other people wouldn't cope with.

Which world is Plato in?

ok, point one: you PAIDmoney to see Rat Trap???

HAVE YOU NO SHAME!!!

point two: i didn't write this to make you feel guilty!!!
it wasn't directed to you at all, im really sorry if it did!

maybe its easy for you to forget them and ignore everything but i've been doing that my whole life (yes all 15 years of it :P)

i'm sick of doing it, i am the most hated girl in my year with the exception of rachel and belinda. Rachel survives because she knows she is smarter than them and less shallow. belinda survives because she still thinks she is popular!!! (AHAHAHAHAH)

for people reading this who have no idea what im talking about, belinda is the person mentioned in my previous journal and rach is my best friend who is incredibly intelligent, smart, funny, and completely tactless..........i love it!!

i'm not smart, i dont want to be. i consider myself lucky to have the few friends i do. yes, i consider myself lucky to have you as a friend too Jeanette.......and you do not walk like a duck :)

i also know everything that is said about in this school. up till this year i have no shame in fighting the point with whoever has said whatever. but now im sick of it.

i dont want to fight and i dont want to be hated. but two weeks into school and ive fought and am hated.

what can you do? lifes a bitch! it doesn't mean i have to like it!

it looks like im gonna have take everything i get this year because i deserve it. i have been an incredible bitch since year seven and now i have to pay the price, that why it's worse, because i deserve it all.

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

I dearly realize I'm posting to the point of babbling but this truly caught me.

The trick to high school and it starts in middle school....all of a sudden....fashion is important.....who you are is important...who you know is important...how smart you are....how cool you are...it just goes on and on. I seriously think it is a true test of fire.....nearly everyone who wasn't a "Star" in that time is apparently scarred for life.

Well.....and I'm sure you've heard this...but no one really gets it....until they get much older and realize.....you are there to get as many skills as you can for dealing with real life. The other truth is......every blessed person you see in those halls and classrooms are feeling just what you are feeling.....even the "Golden" ones....they are on top of the hill and it takes just a slight nudge and they could go sliding down.

The ones who make it, through this mad crazy maze, the best are the ones who grasp that this is a awkward crazy patch you have to get through....but the most important thing is the knowledge and information...communication skills, math, science, history, geography....God, yes....all those boring subjects.....you are gonna use....one way or another...even if you decide to be a housewife. If you don't get them....you basically cripple yourself in many ways.

Sports....are easy for some.....not for others....and some are just helpless in it.....and it depends on the sport......don't you have swimming or golf there?? Just an idea...because they are more individual sports.

But the ones who understand the concept of school versus life...usually start developing their true interests and find their real skills in activities or hobbies outside of school.

Piano or whatever instrument you like, including voice.
Theatre...political campaigning...a veterinary aide on weekends.....something that you are interested in either doing or finding out what it is truly like behind the scenes.
Something that gives you a "life" away from school.

It gives you a perspective....you are not trapped into one "peer" group, who have the same pressures you do...walking around desperate to be perfect at everything or at the very least desperate not to embarrass themselves.

The fact of the matter is every person is born, from the DNA up, a totally unique....one of a kind person....and beyond what you are born with and cannot change....you are in charge of building who you wish to be.

And the truth of the matter is most people don't realize that until they are way down the road of life. So they have regrets for it not dawning on them.

Personally....I think you have the beginnings of an awesome person growing....just from what I've read.

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Thank you. It's good to have another person's words on this. They're pretty helpful.

the "Golden" ones....they are on top of the hill and it takes just a slight nudge and they could go sliding down.

I think everyone knows that the ones on top of the hill aren't really so on top of it inside, but it can still affect you. I mean, when you look at them there is nothing to suggest that they are in any way struggling with anything. Even if you know it, you feel cynical and bitchy when you think it, cos it's the whole "you're just jealous" thing. I guess I've learnt that it's not worth your time thinking about. They'll always look down on you, but you must never look up to them. Look down on them even, for the simple reson that you're honest to yourself about life. That's probably the wisest thing I could say.

Sports....are easy for some.....not for others....and some are just helpless in it.....and it depends on the sport......don't you have swimming or golf there?? Just an idea...because they are more individual sports.

Well, this one makes me laugh. Our school buys their atheletes. There are like 3 people just in my year level who are on scholarships because of their sport. Now that's really out of proportion when you see that there are only 2 on an acadaemic scholarship.

Swimming is like the worst sport to be in. It is in no way an individual sport. You're part a team, and how well you do contributes to how well the team does. After rowing, swimming is the prestige sport. You don't want to go near swimming unless your aiming for the Olympics.

Personally....I think you have the beginnings of an awesome person growing....

I completely agree.

P.S. What's middle school?

Which world is Plato in?

This post was edited by Jeanette on Feb 24, 2003.

Where I'm from we call the grades l through 5...grammar school

Grades 6-8 Middle School or Jr. High

Grades 9-12 High School.

quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

I have just realised the beauty of the "..." Lol

i don't think i've ever seen so many in one post. I'm shocker for them as well.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied to this post. I write more later as i've just spent the past 24 hours in hospital and am doped up to the max! You name the drug ive had it...Will write more soon

love you all
-mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

you PAIDmoney to see Rat Trap???
HAVE YOU NO SHAME!!!

I thought it was quite good actually. Especially when whats-his-name farted backstage. LOL.

Just be yourself. It's a cliche, I know. I personally hate cliches, but if you're yourself- and that's a good person- then if people don't like you that's their problem. Personally, I don't think a person has a right to hate another person if they don't even know them...(hehheh...you'd know that by now.

...and you do not walk like a duck :)

Thanks, that's like the nicest thing anyone's said to me in ages.

Luv ya lots, Nette

Which world is Plato in?

ok, i am feeling relativly sane now, i figure i have ten mintes before the drugs set in and i become really happy or really depressed again.

thank you everyone for all of your advice, thankfully i have missed the past two training sessions and will miss the next few as well...yay!!

my problem is that i care too much when people say stuff. thats why ive always fought back so hard. but now im so tired. i dont mean to brag, but when it comes down to a fight i will win. i'm smarter than most of them and im bigger too if it should come down to a physical fight(hopefully not.the school would expell me for breaking one of the PPP's nails!!PPP stands for pretty perfect populars.those damn ditzy annoyingly "perfect" people!!!!! kill them all i say!!)

im just sick of fighting back. but ive decided i will, i have to coz otherwise ill end up like i was was the day i wrote the journal. too bad to the rest of em, it looks like i'll be a bitch!! let the fun begin!!

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!